Yes, for sure. It's called a trauma bond. I think if you are 'good hearted' or empathic in some kind of classic sense those traits can sadly be preyed upon in these cases, and you can form very, very strong trauma bonds. I am a fawn subtype in Pete Walker's, you might relate (though I am also very feisty so I don't 100% relate to it, but what I once saw as compassion and kindness and understanding was actually just a very instinctual protective mechanism kicking in:
"Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others. They act as if they unconsciously believe that the price of admission to any relationship is the forfeiture of all their needs, rights, preferences and boundaries. They often begin life like the precocious children described in Alice Miler's The Drama Of The Gifted Child, who learn that a modicum of safety and attachment can be gained by becoming the helpful and compliant servants of their parents. They are usually the children of at least one narcissistic parent who uses contempt to press them into service, scaring and shaming them out of developing a healthy sense of self: an egoic locus of self-protection, self-care and self-compassion. This dynamic is explored at length in my East Bay Therapist article (Jan/Feb2003): "Codependency, Trauma and The Fawn Response" (see
www.pete-walker.com). TX. Fawn types typically respond well to being psychoeducated in this model. This is especially true when the therapist persists in helping them recognize and renounce the repetition compulsion that draws them to narcissistic types who exploit them. Therapy also naturally helps them to shrink their characteristic listening defense as they are guided to widen and deepen their self-expression. I have seen numerous inveterate codependents finally progress in their assertiveness and boundary-making work, when they finally got that even the thought of expressing a preference or need triggers an emotional flashback of such intensity that they completely dissociate from their knowledge of and ability to express what they want. Role-playing assertiveness in session and attending to the stultifying inner critic processes it triggers helps the codependent build a healthy ego. This is especially true when the therapist interprets, witnesses and validates how the individual as a child was forced to put to death so much of her individual self. Grieving these losses further potentiates the developing ego."
It's not really compassion and kindness to 'let' people get away with things, though i don't think we are blamed for that - it's a natural response mechanism for protecting ourselves, but we have to see it for what it is and disentangle ourselves. Abusers will gobble you up and spit you out unless you put roadblocks in their path and we don't because we are so scared of being consumed, but ironically this is exactly the behaviour that is helping to fuel that consumption. Boundaries are the only thing that will work, diqitenaglig the self from the other; then we can see straight, then we can feel what we should be feeling, and not some malignant, 'fake' emotion. Lack of boundaries comes from fear, not compassion: but what is there to really be afraid of now? We aren't children anymore. We have to stop catering to their suffering and their feelings and their demands because they don't cater to ours.
So what if this is your parent? Look at the harm they have done, when it comes to abuse the normal rules do not apply. Family does not mean family. We have to stop letting them abuse us. Little or not contact is the way to go, they will never understand or fully accept it, but it's the natural repercussions of being an abuser - if you abuse and harm, you will ultimately find yourself cut off from others - that's the fate of all of them and in some way that is justice, because the cruel and selfish end up alone. Not letting people abuse you is compassion for them and you; yes it is difficult to do but it is not as difficult as staying in the situation.
