Therapist Is A Deaf Mute

[SophiaWisdom]

There are a bunch of different schools and modalities of T.

Your T is coming accross as very Freudian/analytic. In that school, if you say nothing, you can sit in the room for the whole hour, in silence.

My thoughts exactly. I was going to ask if you were with a psychodynamic or analytic T. I'm in EMDR with a humanist who is also a wounded healer archetype (like me - I went to grad school for MFT in a transpersonal psych program and also studied the somatic/expressive arts so I'm all about woo woo and even touch). My T has confessed that he is a big talker and sometimes I wish he would share wayyyyy less about his life lol. (Some believe he has counter T to my T lol - don't worry I know it's totally bad so I wouldn't go there.)

Anyway, we're both super talkers and I'm a big extrovert, so I do actually wish I had someone who was a teensy bit more silent, but my T is so empathic and present that during my slightly regressive cries he sits forward with reddening eyes and makes warm noises and comments so I feel very held and contained and even reparented. Does this sound good to you? If so, find a trauma specialist with that warm, effusive personality. For me, mine is TOO warm (he tried to hug me when we met but I'm not having that) but I would rather someone totally pour love onto me than be distant - it's my own training and my own needs as a wounded inner child.

Because he's a guy and I'm a girl and my therapist is 10 years older than me and I'm a natural submissive to older guys that I respect and/or am attracted to, I do let him interject a lot and tell us we have to move things along. He did that in the beginning more, but he relaxed back lately, but he's trying to move us along again. I like a firm hand in my personal AND therapeutic life, but I know that about myself.

We ended up spending the rest of the time left discussing what new carreer path he should take..
Thank goodness I was having a good day!

OMG!!! I'm laughing too but only because you are so awesome. I'm not surprised given all the great replies I've seen you give on this forum and I'm really impressed by you.

 

[Dana1010]

I would suggest that perhaps you look at the website Psychologytoday and click on their "find a therapist" option.

I have extremely limited insurance right now. I've practically exhausted all the other options it offers. But thank you for this reply anyway. What your therapist is doing sounds like a very good approach to me.

Your therapist isn't "right" if what she is doing isn't right for you. We are all different and respond in different ways.

I guess what I meant there is, what does the research say? How did these two professionals in the same field arrive at opposite conclusions? Where are they getting their information from?

There are a bunch of different schools and modalities of T.

Your T is coming accross as very Freudian/analytic. In that school, if you say nothing, you can sit in the room for the whole hour, in silence.

I already brought up some Freudian concepts to her -- she knows nothing about them. Or if she does, she did a good job of hiding it.

Both of these therapists were doing the same psychodynamic talk therapy as far as I can tell. I will say that the first one (the one who wouldn't let me drive) seemed more educated.

I had to laugh to myself when this latest therapist said, "I think silence is valuable." Haha, yeah, you ain't kidding. Zero work, and you still get paid. Cha-ching.

It's hard not to consider that maybe both of these therapists just took opposite approaches to the same goal -- the goal of not hearing about things they don't want to hear about. One shut you up by saying, "you can't drive your own therapy" and proceeded to waste the session on small talk; and this one shuts you up by sitting there in silence as she knows damn well it's too hard for you to bring it up yourself.

 

[Deleted member 39333]

I understand insurance problems. I don't have any at all. One of the useful things about the PsychologyToday site is it gives the cost, what insurances the therapist accepts, and whether or not he or she has a sliding scale. Most of them do.

I meant to say that I don't have any insurance at all; not that I don't have any insurance problems!

 

[Dana1010]

I meant to say that I don't have any insurance at all; not that I don't have any insurance problems!

I got you. I've been to that site many times. Those rates are not in my budget at this point.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

I guess what I meant there is, what does the research say? How did these two professionals in the same field arrive at opposite conclusions? Where are they getting their information from?

I know, the variance among Ts are so wide! This is definitely a matter of what school of thought they come from and what slant they take. We even learned quite different approaches, modalities and underlying theories in just my single program and we got a choice of what kind of center we wanted to intern in depending on what we liked. The fact that your T didn't know anything about Freud is a little strange, since it's such an underpinning of modern western psychology.

 

[Dana1010]

The fact that your T didn't know anything about Freud is a little strange, since it's such an underpinning of modern western psychology.

She knew the name. But when I mentioned things like the Oedipal situation, libido, id and ego, she didn't have anything to contribute except a blank stare.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

She knew the name. But when I mentioned things like the Oedipal situation, libido, id and ego, she did...

yeah definitely sounds like not the match you're looking for - my first post response though I quoted Anarchy was to you as well; hopefully you'll find someone who has a better fit with your needs!

 

[erigby]

I laughed When I read your title. Not laughing at your situation.
If she isn't helping you please find s...

I love that you shared this.
Early in my time with my current T he was being incredibly fidgety one session. My immediate thought was that I was making him uncomfortable. He wouldn't stop moving around and I'm trying to tell him...you know... stuff.
So I stopped and looked at him and said..."will you please quit moving around?"
"I don't know if its heartburn or an aching back but all that wiggling your doing in your chair is distracting and making me uncomfortable."
He said sorry and stopped.
It was a good moment. Definitely moved our relationship building to another level.

 

[erigby]

I mentioned to the therapist I see that she rarely asks questions or gives prompts to get me talking a...

I am sorry you are struggling with your therapist and finding a good match for your needs.
How long have you been with your current therapist?

 

[Dana1010]

How long have you been with your current therapist?

Maybe two months.

 

[erigby]

Maybe two months.

It took me almost 4 months to even get to the point where I understood (even remotely) what the hell we were doing in my therapy sessions.
I share this with you for two reasons 1. I went back and forth the entire time with hating him and thinking he sucked and being frustrated and hating myself because "I sucked at therapy." 2. I didn't, at the time, realize that building the 'therapeutic alliance' was a key step in moving toward the next phase of therapy.

None of this is written, there is no script for it, every person is unique and will respond differently.

It was really just the last two sessions with my therapist (4 months into it now) that I had a break through in understanding what we (he) was trying to accomplish.
I felt I needed pushing.
He never pushed.
I would often sit in silence.
He rarely broke the silence.
I thought every week about finding someone else.
He said it was up to me but that he was in it for the "long haul."
I needed him to ask me questions.
He rarely, if ever, did.
For some reason...I chose to stick it out. I am glad I did.
My most recent session probably moved me forward more than anything else...ever.
As there are for all of us here...there are deep wounds from past experiences.
For me most of them have revolved around trust and betrayal on varying levels.
When I had finally recognized in myself that there is one particular thing that seems to be at the forefront, I decided I was going to bring it up with my T.
I couldn't do it.
I told him I couldn't but needed to.
I had a physical response to the thought of telling him.
I began to shut down.
I danced around it.
He waited.
We sat quietly.
I told him I know I need to talk about it...but it makes me sick to think about telling you.
His reply..."I don't want you to tell me now. I say this because I am trying to care for you. If you tell me now, we do not have enough time to work through it before we have to go. I am telling you this because I am trying to care for you."
It was a very healing moment for me.

All that to say...I think this therapy thing is all about timing. In the end...you and your body decide the timing.
A good therapist will know this.
If you haven't disclosed any of the really gnarly awful crap to her yet...she has no idea what is lying underneath.
If she is concerned for your well being...she doesn't want to risk opening up something and then sending you away only to agonize over it for another week (or two or a month).
If part of your struggle is having had an overbearing demanding and pushy parent(s), she doesn't know how pushing you might impact you in a negative way.
She is trying to learn who you are just as you are trying to figure out what the hell she is doing and if she knows a damn thing at all.
If you are open to it...try disclosing something to her that you know is somewhat difficult but that won't freak you out for days if you don't get good closure on it during your session.
Give her a test run with something significant, that you want to work through and that you think may help you to move forward.
A lot of words with little advice but as someone who is very new to this whole thing...I believe therapy can have tremendous potential for some serious healing.
Of course it has to be the right person...I get that.
From your posts you sound like a very articulate and thoughtful person.
I bet your therapist thinks so too.

 

[Dana1010]

None of this is written

Volumes have been written on psychological counseling and therapy. Maybe not all of the methods are right for every patient. I wish my therapist would at least start with a template instead of sitting there shooting the breeze without any plan or direction.

My most recent session probably moved me forward more than anything else...ever.

Can you tell us what happened and what he said/did without revealing more than you care to?

If you haven't disclosed any of the really gnarly awful crap to her yet...she has no idea what is lying underneath.

Oh, I have. One of the most frustrating things about her is she doesn't seem to register how really awful is was for me. I feel like she just can't go there. Maybe she lacks experience of the dark side, so it doesn't resonate. Or maybe she won't go there because she doesn't really want to hear it.