Relationship Asking For Support From A Sufferer

[boodle]

Hi

A few weeks ago I asked my cptsd partner for a hug when I was feeling down. All I needed at the time was 'Its ok darling, I'm here for you'. Instead she got angry, verbally/emotionally abusive and went into a tirade of bizzare untrue personal attacks. I was so hurt by that. Not only was I subjected to verba abuse, it was at a time when I was feeling particularly vulnerable. I was so shocked I had to distance myself as she crossed a boundary that was set.

We had not been in touch for three weeks. Today I sent an email explaining how I felt when she did that. I received a reply shortly after saying she will reply in time but she was supporting a friend who was going through a difficult time.

Can anyone shed any light on why a sufferer could support a friend but verbally attacks her partner who she said she loved? Any insight would be really helpful.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Hi, Boodle. I can't say I really have any insight into what your partner is doing, but I don't think there is ever call to verbally attack someone, *especially* when they are asking for a hug and some support. You must feel very hurt by your partner's inability to support you while you are going through a difficult time, yet she says that is what she is doing for a friend. I'm sorry you are going through this.

It could be that the intimacy in a relationship is just too much for her. Perhaps supporting a friend feels very different, somehow "safer," to her. Perhaps being asked for a hug triggered her somehow (and if she was sexually abused as a child, as I was, I can see how that can happen.) Nevertheless, understanding that her behavior might have some meaning or purpose for her doesn't make it any less hurtful. Also, if she is being verbally abusive, it doesn't make it any more acceptable as a way to communicate. I would never, ever respond to my wife asking me for a hug that way. If I felt triggered it would be my responsibility -- hard though it may be -- to say, I'm feeling really triggered right now, and I don't want to be touched. Can I support you in some other way?

You have the right to expect support from your partner (isn't that the very reason we form intimate partnerships?), and certainly have the right to not be subjected to verbal abuse. I wish you well in trying to resolve this, or move on, in your relationship.

 

[Mytime]

I wish I had an answer but I don't. If I could I would hug you and tell you, you deserve to be treated better. I know it doesn't take the hurt away but I'm listening. :hug:

 

[illusionist]

Only she will know the reason....speculations will only have you going around in circles, with no real answers....just more questions.

On a positive note, she has replied quickly letting you know that she will reply in time.....hopefully you will find the right answer soon.

 

[Mon15]

@boodle I'm so glad to hear you at least got a positive reply! I'm rooting for you!

I'm coming up on 3 weeks and still nothing, he's the same way, can be there for others just not me this time... I did at least send a message a week ago to tell him that I hoped he's doing ok, gave my surgery date and said I missed and loved him. Of course he didn't respond and I didn't expect him to, but at least I know he read it within a few minutes after sending it.

I know it's hard to tell the mind that it's not us even when we know we didn't really do anything wrong for them to shut us out, but praying for strength and healing for both parties is the best thing we can do! Have faith, hugs!

 

[Justmehere]

Instead she got angry, verbally/emotionally abusive and went into a tirade of bizzare untrue personal attacks

Can you describe this more?

 

[ladee]

What comes to mind is...when people show you who they are..believe them.
I'm sorry you got hurt.

 

[tsukino]

Hi boodle,
I relate to you when you say you needed a hug, and also when you had your wish rejected. This has happened to me many, many times, as, I suppose, kind of compulsive repetition. If you like, you may try to feel more deeply what you felt when she refused to give you a hug, before trying to understand why she did this to you.

It might be said that she replied quickly, wrote that she was going to write in time and even told you that she was helping a friend who was having a difficult time just like you, because of her sense of guilty.

Sending much support.

 

[greenleaf]

Please be careful not to excuse her behavior because of past trauma.

 

[gealach]

A couple of possibilities come to mind:

She may be used to you giving support, rather than asking to receive it.

We sharpen our teeth on those closest to us (it's safe to be an arse to people we already know & are comfortable with).

Either way, being verbally abusive and dropping off the map for 3 weeks is way out of proportion to your request for a hug. Ptsd doesn't excuse that kind of behavior, and that kind of behavior isn't really part of ptsd.

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[boodle]

Wow, what amazing replies from you guys.......

It could be that the intimacy in a relationship is just too much for her

They were my thoughts too, although the abuse as a child wasn't sexual in nature, I do feel she thinks that anyone she is emotionally close to will ultimately hurt her, so she hurts them first. It doesn't help that she will not communicate after such events.
Thank-you so much for your support

I wish I had an answer but I don't. If I could I would hug you and tell you, you deserve to be treated b...

Thankyou @Mytime your hugs and support mean so much

Only she will know the reason....speculations will only have you going around in circles, with no r...

Yes, you're right. I wish I could switch my mind off sometimes. Communication is not her strong point but I hope she can at least be able to talk a little about her feelings. I'm a very patient person!

@boodle I'm so glad to hear you at least got a positive reply! I'm rooting for you!...

Aww @Mon15, I feel for you too sweetie. its so, so hard, hugs from me if you accept. When is your surgery date?

Can you describe this more?

Yes sure, she would bring up bad events from my past that really hurt me at the time then would twist them slightly and send them back 'sharpened' so to speak. She would blame me for them happening. These events I had told her in confidence at the beginning of our relationship when we were opening up to each other.

What comes to mind is...when people show you who they are..believe them.
I'm sorry you got hurt.

I think I understand what you mean...but could you just explain so I'm sure I have understood it? Thank-you

Hi boodle,
I relate to you when you say you needed a hug, and also when you had your wish rejected. Thi...

I'm so sorry you have had to go through this too, many times. You're very correct, thank-you so much for your interesting insight. Big hugs to you

Please be careful not to excuse her behavior because of past trauma.

Yes, a very good point. I often wonder where cptsd stops and bad behaviour starts. Thank-you for your insight.

A couple of possibilities come to mind:

She may be used to you giving support, rather than asking to...

Yes, most definitely. Thank-you for the insight. And yes, as I thought before, when does ptsd end and bad behaviour begin? Hugs to you