Relationship Asking For Support From A Sufferer

[ladee]

Very selfish and hurtful behavior can not be explained away or justified by having PTSD.
There is no excuse to not learn self regulation.
So when someone says and does things that are very hurtful..without a word to see if you are ok..shows who they are. Believe her.
There was ten million ways she could have handled that situation..you asked for a hug.
She gets to say and do what impulsive things she does..you are left hanging wondering what the hell just happened and then her hurtful remark about helping a friend.
Everyone starts speculating and trying to reason a way the fact that what she did was selfish and down right cruel.
Hopefully you would not tolerate this abuse from someone who doesn't have PTSD..
We don't get a pass for being hurtful and cruel just because we have PTSD.
If she can't handle being in a relationship..then she shouldn't be in one.
I'm saying.. She showed you how she is if asked for something she can't or wouldn't do. SHE is responsible...not PTSD.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I agree with what others are saying, I am learning very quickly that PTSD is not some excuse or get out of jail free card when she decides to behave poorly or be abusive to me. Obviously you and me have spoken privately in more detail but for the purpose of the thread, my "sufferer" suddenly began listing all the things I was doing "wrong" in the relationship, but offering no recourse to actually solve them, she also began to get quite mean and impatient to the fact that perhaps I was in pain too, then she got in deep to this abusive friendship she has going on and is now extremely defensive of them despite their shitty behaviour (which now extends to stalking my Facebook profile, on top of reading our texts, not letting her talk to me unless he see's it first, sending me texts on her phone etc).

None of this is excusable by her PTSD, nor is her unwillingness to listen to how I have felt. I could appreciate a polite I am having a difficult time right now so wouldn't be any help, but it is often frosty and hostile.

I often find on here that us "supporters" look to find reasons and excuses for some pretty awful behaviour, we try to understand it because it's such a radical shift from the person we knew generally, I know I'd never have gotten into a relationship of any kind with somebody like my sufferer is now, she's selfish, she can be rude, she's delusional to the point of bizarre in terms of loyalty to somebody who treats her like garbage, she isn't very loving or compassionate of my feelings.

Yet the credit she earned over the decade of our varying relationship is why I can look past it because I admit fully I want to believe the "her" I knew is still in there just waiting to get over the crest of this large wave of bad circumstances.

However, I am learning that there really is no excuse or reason, perhaps PTSD can explain some behaviour, but it cannot excuse the fact they don't recognise it and then make an effort to work on it, if they can't leaving really is the only recourse for both of you.

Perhaps it was a fear of intimacy and the weight of it being too much to handle where as her friend is less responsibility, but like so many have said and I think you and me both know deep down, it doesn't excuse the rudeness. A simple I am sorry I can't, it's too much for me to handle rather than kicking you whilst you're already down isn't too much to ask for, sure it'd hurt because you wanted support, but it wouldn't be added hurt with vindictiveness.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I also think what @ladee might be saying (forgive me if I'm putting words in your mouth, ladee), at least, what I would add is, don't keep waiting and hoping for someone to change. If you don't see any indication that she is willing to examine her behavior, apologize, and try to learn better ways to be in a relationship, then you need to consider if you want to stay in a relationship with someone like this. Just my .02 cents, feel free to discard if it doesn't resonate with you.

 

[Stickler]

Yes sure, she would bring up bad events from my past that really hurt me at the time then would twist th...

I could not be emotionally close to such a person, because I could not trust her...but I'm a sufferer.

I think she IS lashing out at you in fear of closeness.
That's why asking for emotional intimacy is precisely what may have been the proximal motivation for her to lash out.

You asked for a hug. She blew up. She went straight from fear to rage to attack?
Does that sound right?

The thing is? If that's true that puts you in a really, REALLY rotten situation, one in which you MIGHT get your needs met, but where you are more likely to get blown up at if you ask for what you need.

That's not a tenable long-term relationship. You can't live like that.

...I have that...push-pull thing going on for people?

I just LOVE people, they terrify the crap out of me!

 

[Stickler]

Just because we're hurting and have PTSD, this gives us no free pass to be jerks.

 

[ladee]

@boodle, I commend you for having patience. But all of us with PTSD that are replying to you...are in recovery. Not flying blind and taking out the people we love and care about. I am really hoping you are hearing us...that PTSD is not an excuse..ever.
And @Lola Nocheprieta was right. You haven't said how long y'all have been together..but if you are waiting on change..it may never happen.
Patience is good..but I do hope that you are questioning why you keep allowing abuse. Because that is what this is.
Sending you that hug you didn't get...And prayers for your safety.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Hugs from me, too, for the one you didn't get! (Love that, ladee!)

 

[Justmehere]

Yes sure, she would bring up bad events from my past that really hurt me at the time then would twist them slightly and send them back 'sharpened' so to speak. She would blame me for them happening. These events I had told her in confidence at the beginning of our relationship when we were opening up to each other.

Oh ouch. I'm so sorry she did that, and in a moment of brave vulnerability. I commend you for your courage to ask for a hug and for your wisdom to take space and set a boundary in a healthy way (not painfully lashing out like she did to push someone away) after this happened. :hug:

 

[boodle]

Very selfish and hurtful behavior can not be explained away or justified by having PTSD.
There is no excu...

Thank you so much @ladee for explaining that. It is another jolt into reality for me. Its pretty clear she should not be in a relationship. I do sometimes wonder that she was originally in it for just fun, but was unprepared when she actually started to have feelings she related to people that hurt her in the past.

Thank-you for that hug I didn't get, it is much appreciated :hug:

and is now extremely defensive of them despite their shitty behaviour

Very wise and insightful words @TheMinsterman
I think we are guilty of this too. I have noticed a shift recently from defending her behaviour, to more of a frustration with her behaviour. I feel that shift occurring in me too.

I also think what @ladee might be saying (forgive me if I'm putting words i...

Spot on @Lola Nocheprieta, She does not seem willing or able to examine her behaviour at present. Its a massive red flag.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Very wise and insightful words @TheMinsterman
I think we are guilty of this too. I ha...

Absolutely, I gave her some wiggle room, at first, but now? It's coming up to three months of this now, still with no real discussion of our issues, what happened, how I am feeling etc.

It's got to a point where I won't defend it now, I've been exceptionally patient and understanding, the odd blip doesn't erase that. She shouldn't keep avoiding it, not when she still pulls me back in. If she legitimately just never wants to I'd accept it now and move on.

 

[boodle]

I could not be emotionally close to such a person, because I could not trust her...but I'm a sufferer....

Thank-you @Stickler for your point of view as a sufferer. And also confirming you believe it is because of her fear of closeness. It kind of helps in that it is not me doing anything majorly wrong so to speak. Although I have analysed it over and over 'with what if's' and 'could I have done that differently?'
I appreciate your honesty, it is just what I needed to hear. Thank-you.

Just because we're hurting and have PTSD, this gives us no free pass to be jerks.

I wish I could press 'like' 10 times on this post

@boodle, I commend you for having patience. But all of us with PTSD that are replying...

Sorry, just to clarify, when I said I was a patient person I meant as a listener. Meaning she could talk to me and I wouldn't get angry or judge her. In fact I would have been proud of her if she'd have talked more. I was proud of her when she spoke briefly about things.
In fairness though, I suppose I have been patient too in taking emotonal hits. Lots of supporters seem to do that. As @TheMinsterman quite rightly says it is excused as it is such a radical shift from the person we knew generally.
Thank-you for your hug, it is gratefully received :hug: and returned by default!

Hugs from me, too, for the one you didn't get! (Love that, ladee!)

Thank-you so much @Lola Nocheprieta, again so gratefully received and returned :hug::tup:

 

[boodle]

Oh ouch. I'm so sorry she did that, and in a moment of brave vulnerability. I commend you for your c...

Thank-you for your kind and supportive words @Justmehere I read recently that the only way a sufferer that lashes out can feel completely safe, is if their partner is 'perfect'. Of course that's not possible (although I like to think I come pretty close, ha ha ;)) and therefore they lash out at flaws when they realise their partner is not perfect. Its an interesting thought. :hug:

Absolutely, I gave her some wiggle room, at first, but now? It's coming up to three months of thi...

Yes, it would be good to see some committment to the process from her too.

 

[FireSign8]

My best guess.....she is currently emotionally unavailable. I think you came to the right place because most of us are here for you!:playful: