Fight With My Therapist

[whiteraven]

I've written a little here about some tensions between my therapist and me over the last several months. Well, actually, I'm not sure he has had any sense of how tense - or depressed or upset - I've been at all - at least not until today.

My depression has been intense the past few days, and when I went to my session today I was feeling disconnected and unable to communicate. He asked questions, which I answered as well as I could (mostly with one and two words or a nod of my head). About mid-session he asked something about trust and, specifically trust in him, which I guess hit a very deep nerve, and I started to cry. He pushed a little, and I got very angry/annoyed, and we talked/argued some about each of our perceptions' regarding how things have been going over the last few months.

So first of all, he kept referring to our relationship as an "artificial relationship." You either have a relationship with another person or you don't. Even a kidnapper has a relationship with the person he kidnaps. It doesn't have to be positive. I don't understand that. Then, he accused me of "holding on to" the anger and upset about his insistence that I "find my own way to happiness" (paraphrased), which he said to me in a number of different ways several times. I not only did not hold on to my anger, I emailed him about it several times and we discussed it in detail. That's been my primary beef with him these past 6 months - that I have been trying for a long time to find ways to help myself, but I really needed him to *help* me figure out how to navigate the obstacles I encounter.

Then...he commented at the very end of our session that he thought we needed to work on repairing our relationship before we could move forward. Ok. I was fine with that. Actually, glad he finally noticed there was an issue. I asked how he thought we could do that. He said he thought we had already begun - me, by being more "real," and talking with him in the latter portion of the session.

That pissed me off. It felt like a negation of how I was feeling when I got there. Like somehow, I wasn't being "real" or honest in how I was feeling. And in fact, my anger was really only an extension of the deep depression I have been feeling.

So frustrated. And in some respects, I really just want to stop therapy. Even though he said he was taking responsibility for his part - for missed cues and for feeling stuck in the treatment, etc... - I came away today feeling frustration from him and feeling blamed.

This is just so hard.

 

[Beaglefan61]

Pretty darn bad session it sounds like. Find your own way to happiness? Sounds all very nice and pithy, but pithy is not always accurate. Healing takes sharing and care from others. Anger is there until we get through it, especially if there is pain underlying that anger. I've seen problems with people doing that false forgiveness thing where they 'decide' they aren't angry anymore, yet they end up blasting away innocent people all along the way after that. Denial can happen from 'choosing' to not be angry anymore. If you have been working on your anger, it will be there until it isn't. He says he assumed his responsibility for his part, yet as you talk it sounds like you think he was more blaming you for the problems than it being a shared thing. The biggest thing any therapist can take into the session is their own humanity, even to the extent that means saying 'oops my mess up'. From what you are saying it sounds like you are feeling it was pretty much dumped into your lap as 'your fault'. Hearing artificial relationship could hurt. If he thought you were not going as deeply with feelings as was needed, he could say that instead, if that is even actually the case more than just his perceptions. It kind of depends on why he thought it artificial. If you had emailed him about anger then i am unclear of how he would have such perception. That you say your anger is an extension of the deep depression you are feeling, that seems insightful. Amazing how being held while we cry our hearts out with the pain under it all helps anger. Am unclear of what he means by 'more real'. If he is talking about you being with your feelings while talking could he have said simply that instead? If something else, did he define what he meant? It sounds like from how he put things it just had things get worse, which he somehow took as constructive all while you are feeling more hurt. I am not sure about your quitting therapy or just this therapist and what it ultimately best. It sounds like you are in pain from how it went in this session. I hope you get the support you need for that.

 

[whiteraven]

Thanks so much, @Beaglefan61 for your thoughtful reply and support. It was a bad session, but now that I've had some distance from it and have exchanged an email with him this afternoon about his misperceptions and my anger, I am feeling a little better. I think this therapist really cares about me - he has demonstrated that in many ways over the time I have been seeing him - but I have been suffering with a complex number of issues and I think he truly is not sure how to proceed, but he is trying to find new ways to help.

It definitely felt like he was blaming me today, and that's not ok with me. I'm going to address that with him next week. That, along with both of our expectations with regard to what kind of help I get.

 

[Rumors]

Sorry but if you are spending time repairing a relationship with your therapist, perhaps it may be time to change therapists? The point of therapy is to work on you..not the both of you... He is supposed to be an advocate for your healing in a way that doesnt cause chaos in his relationship with you. In other words, the focus shouldn't be on repairing a professional relationship.

 

[James McGregor]

I've written a little here about some tensions between my therapist and me over the last several mon...

i know what you mean, ive had therapists like that. in a sense - he is right, a relationship is just a set of rules we each create to deal with another person - we may not even know we are doing it. so in a way, a relationship can be good or bad depending on the rules we may have set in place subconsciously. Ive had therapists too say the "your holding on to whatever" or "only you can do this" etc - which is true, but like you - i needed help to do it. What i always say is, well if i knew HOW to do these things, then i wouldnt be here with you would i? I dont understand why they adopt this attitude sometimes, but its happened enough over the years that i think it is part of their plan - maybe to push to see how we push back. The last time a therapist of mine done it however, i got angry and told her to never say anything like that to me again as it only showed how inept she was and said nothing about me. I finished with her shortly after and vowed to never have anything to do with her ever again. Sometimes its just s sign that that person has no place in our life anymore and time to find someone else with a bit more understanding. I would be sure to tell them that your very dissapointed in them, and that you as a client have to right to get help - thats why they are there, if they feel they cant or dont want to help - thats fine but they shouldnt try to passive aggressively pass that failing on to you

 

[watundah]

You had me at"artificial relationship". WTF?
I would be all over that! Is he saying that for his sake or yours?

One thing I have learned over the last few years is that Ts are far from perfect and eventually will think they understand us, be wrong, then say something stupid. I think it would be so difficult to be held to that standard of getting it right all of the time, yet that's what we often resort to, seeing them as the all-knowing and hanging on their words. But, nope, they screw up.

What infuriates me, however, is when they won't own up to it and it seems automatic and convenient to blame everything on the one with the disorder or your past or whatever. I have had more than one blow out with my T where she conveniently put it all on me, and I pushed back haaaard to make her see her part in our ruptures. It isn't easy but eventually she will admit she could have handled something better and things actually do get better between us afterwards. It feels good to know she cares but not so good that sometimes it takes a lot for her to agree. It's probably the same tenacity that makes her an excellent therapist for me who never gives up.

Anyway, it's great that you are able to email, process your feelings and work things out. He needs to show up to and make it real. If you see progress and trust him, I wouldn't rush to say get rid of him, but I may push harder to get him to take ownership for half of what happens in there. It is working out this sort of problem in the "test lab" of their office that helps us deal with conflict in real life.

 

[mrsmegan]

Sorry but if you are spending time repairing a relationship with your therapist, perhaps it may be time to change therapists? The point of therapy is to work on you..not the both of you... He is supposed to be an advocate for your healing in a way that doesnt cause chaos in his relationship with you. In other words, the focus shouldn't be on repairing a professional relationship.

I actually disagree with you. Therapists are people too and they make mistakes. I'm not saying that they should get away with anything, but they will at times say the wrong thing or trigger us. I think repairing the relationship with a therapist can model what a relationship should be - being able to make mistakes, forgiveness, emotions, etc.

Just my thoughts.

 

[whiteraven]

I actually disagree with you. Therapists are people too and they make mistakes. I'm not saying that th...

Thank you for this. My knee jerk reaction a few weeks ago was to drop therapy completely. But after our shouting match (well, I was actually the only one shouting), I really felt like I wanted to stick with it and try to fix this. Like maybe if he and I could work this out, could go through the motions of figuring it out and fixing it, then maybe it would be easier for me to do that with somebody else in the future. And maybe I can learn to trust others if I can learn to trust him.

 

[whiteraven]

Sorry but if you are spending time repairing a relationship with your therapist, perhaps it may be time...

I used to think this, but not so much anymore. He is a human being just like I am, and we are working on my issues together to find solutions to make life easier to navigate for me. In any relationship there is bound to be conflict, and if I can work through that conflict with him in a safe environment without fear of any sort of reprisal, then wouldn't that be a good opportunity to practice doing that?

 

[whiteraven]

You had me at"artificial relationship". WTF?
I would be all over that! Is he saying that for his sake or yours?

Yeah, I actually think there might be something deeper going on there with that. When I feel comfortable enough, I'm going to ask him about it. Very annoying.

 

[Rumors]

I used to think this, but not so much anymore. He is a human being just like I am, and we are workin...

I don't disagre. However, when your relationship issues with him overshadow and take over the main storyline in therapy, perhaps he isn't a good fit. You are spending a lot of money to be there...use your time well.

 

[Deleted member 541]

My take on this is a bit different. I think when he said, "artificial relationship" he may have been trying to keep a professional distance between the two of you. I think hepis choice of words could have been better though.

I will also say, through my own experience...... Anger kind of drowns out other emotions, and gets in the way of being objective. It's hard to see things clearly, it's hard to discuss things, it's hard to let other people "in" when anger is present, as it's basically used to keep people "out".