How Do I Deal With This?

[Deleted member 541]

I would let him do that then. Call his bluff. He would have to hire a lawyer here in the states, come here, wait for a court hearing, blah blah blah. I think it's more about power than wanting to see his son. He's an asshole that uses fear tactics to hold you in a constant state of fear. That's not someone that's interested in seeing his son or having a healthy relationship with the mother of his child.

Document everything, tell him no and document, document, and be polite, but repeat no as many times as you need too. If he hires an attorney, then you have documentation of what he's like.

 

[Deleted member 541]

He's using YOUR son as a pawn to hold control over you....

 

[Sideways]

He'd also have to go to the expense of finding you and the child...

So far, lots of threats. That's awful to have to live through, but to date, they've had the desired effect, and he hasn't put a lot of actual money into following through with actually being recognised as your son's father.

Stick it out. You can do this, and in the long run, it will be worth it. Giving him a toe in the door at this point, it will make it incredibly difficult for you to distance yourself from him. But as things stand, he's not even in the know of which state (or legal jurisdiction) you'll be in.

 

[Sideways]

If he proved paternity, you'd also be entitled to child support. And that's potentially big money.

Pointing that out for no other reason than it gives you a pretty bit Ace up your sleeve. He starts making threats - threaten back. He wants to see the child? You want to see the child support.

You're a powerful woman Casey. You doubt yourself, but you don't need to. Don't give in to this monster. You've got this.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Possible Brexit move for dual passport or visa rights? Where is the child support? Where was the maternity help? What ever his reason was for not wanting to be a dad until now, question all of that.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Casey_03 I don't think for a moment he would take you to court because he would then be financially obligated to your child. Do you really think that he would risk wage garnishment? Depending on what state you are living in, they go after people for child support quite aggressively. He would owe you back support for the entire first year of your sons life.

I would inform him that if he pursues this, you are going to file to have his wages garnished for child support. Watch him back down right away.

 

[Teamwork]

If for some reason you say yes, let it be all organized by you. Find a women's shelter or other protective care agency that will help with the visit and let be at their building so he doesn't get you alone, doesn't get a physical address for where you live and doesn't get to be abusive undocumented by other people. I'm not in any way suggesting you say yes, but if you find that you do say yes it needs to be yes but. But it will be highly organized and controlled by you and surrounded by support of others in the know. If you don't have that level of support to surround a visit then document that as the reason for the bo, as others are suggesting in building your paper trail.

 

[Friday]

Which, if you can prove that he is abusive then his visitation will be monitored and supervised.

That very much depends on the state. In mine abusive parents still retain full custodial rights. My ex has been found guilty many many many times of abuse, neglect, & assault with intent to kill. But family-first :rolleyes: laws mean that no matter the crime against a biological child, it has to be seen in family court. Which has no power to sentence jail time, and by law, if the parent agrees to counseling, their custody is not interrupted. While supervised custody IS sometimes required, we had too many social workers being murdered by abusive parents, so now the courts prefer to have a friend or family member (of the child abusing f*cktard) "supervise". The check on that? A letter once per anum. Not even a face to face visit. Just a letter. Wheeee.

It's a f*cked up broken system.

NEVER trust in it to protect a child.

@Casey_03 You know my opinion: I made the single biggest mistake of my life getting the courts involved with my ex, instead of just taking my child and running. Now, until he's 18 his dad can abuse him however, whenever, he wants. We're stuck in this state, although all my job offers are out of state, out of country. And I can't even go pick him up in the middle of being raped/beaten without being charged with custodial interferance & kidnapping, and sent to prison, whereupon my ex would have full custody. The majority of abusers don't want shit to do with their kids. Of the ones that do? Who use them to control their exes, or to get their rocks off by a using them? The courts protect the abuser instead of the victim. You have a chance to keep your baby away from an abuser. You have no idea how much I wish I'd taken that chance 5 years ago.

 

[Casey_03]

@Friday Yep, that's basically why I don't want it to go to court, ever. Especially since I really have no way to prove he was emotionally abusive -- if he had been physically abusive it'd be much easier to document. But much of what I have documented may not be considered abusive in a court, or it might simply not be accepted, since a lot of it was done over social media using a fake name.

I'm thinking the best method may be to not say no outright, but to give him reasons why now is not a good time.

His ego has always been his priority, so I'm not really 100% positive that he'd avoid court in order to avoid paying child support. He has plenty of money to pay child support, so he may very well be willing to pay it if only to have his own ego win, and to defeat me in the psychological war he's been waging.

 

[DharmaGirl]

What about not talking to him at all. If he really wants to see your child, let him find you and incur the costs of visitation. I would not respond to his emails, and not answer phone calls, unless there is a reason to do so. If he is abusive to you, it will effect your child.

 

[Casey_03]

@DharmaGirl Not responding to him at all is a surefire way to get him to take it to court, which is the last thing I want.

 

[Friday]

His ego has always been his priority, so I'm not really 100% positive that he'd avoid court in order to avoid paying child support.

Yep. Mine too. He loooooves going to court. Win or lose, he likes the showmanship of it. He's also got serious money, for serious lawyers. What he loves even more, though, is having judgements made against him (he owes me 6 figures at this point) and then not paying. Because then he "gets away" with 2 things, instead of 1. Flaunts his "power" :rolleyes: over both me & the courts. So. Sure, I could take him to court for non-payment. And I'd probably win. And my kid would have the broken bones (or locked in the basement with no heat or food in winter for a week) to show for it. Which wouldn't be worth it even if he did pay. Nope. I'm clearly very jaded about this, though. Family court should be nuked from orbit, IMO. The last refuge of the damned, desperate, destitute, & despairing. I've known firing squads with more warm fuzzies. The local cops are great. The courts are an abomination. Not entirely their fault. The voters & reps PASS these f*cked up laws, with warm cuddly names like "for the children" (to be completely f*cked over) & "family first" (before common sense) & "two parents is best" (even if they beat and rape you, 2 is a magic number!!! Magic! Everything's all better if we use the number 2. Shit.) :banghead:

Again, though, Im jaded. Always check your own local law & practice.