How Do I Deal With This?

[scout86]

Save the email, obviously. But, of course, what he actually said SOUNDS pretty innocuous.

Did he know your home town? Did he know you were going to move in with your grandmother? You'd be surprised what you can find out from searching property records online. With a name and a county, you can find an address. With a LAST name, and a county, you can probably come up with a list you can narrow down. You can search a name and, without paying anything at all, you can get a list of 'known associates'. There's a lot you can do, free, online if you want to spend the time. If you want to pay for it? I'm guessing it's easier.

So, you know he knows where to find you, and he wants you to know. So you also know he's having 'fun' messing with you. But you already knew that's the way he is.

 

[Casey_03]

So you also know he's having 'fun' messing with you.

That's exactly it. I don't think I'm in any immediate danger from his email, but it's creepy the way he's taunting me.

There's no way he could have known my address - all he knew was i was in a certain state. My grandma's name isn't even the same as mine, so even if he had gone searching my family's surname, he wouldn't have found it.

The only thing i can think of - and this is disturbing -- is if he contacted some family members on the other side of the family to ask for the address, maybe posing as someone else. He has their email addresses from when we were together, and he had emailed them when I was pregnant to harass them. But they all know the situation with him, so I don't see how they could be so stupid.

God, it's just flat-out creepy.

 

[ladee]

How do you receive your mail Casey? After this I would get a Po box.
Any credit cards? Could he have gotten touch with your job? Tho I would hope they wouldn't give that info.
Have you gotten a SS card for LM?
There are any number of ways he could have found you.
Did you make a change of address?
That dude is one sick and twited bastard.

 

[Casey_03]

I did get a social security card for LM. I guess that could be it? No credit cards, and he doesn't know where I work. But I guess you guys are right - there are myriad ways he could have found the address. It's scary.

 

[ladee]

Other than changing you name..I don't know if that is public information it not.
Poor LM..
Lets not ever let him know what a sick bastard that man is.
Did you reply to him?
Can you change your email again?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Most email's have a blocked list that you can add his email too, so that he can't contact you. If he has your cell number, then I would look into changing that also. I would stop all contact with him, and wait and see.

You have an ocean separating you, and I would let him do whatever. You can't keep him from his son forever, but you can make it hard for him. He would have to come here, he would have to hire an attorney, and then there is proof of paternity. Unless you say, he is the father, then he would have to pay for a paternity test also.

 

[Rainsong]

I have been in a similar situation. Short version: the father of my son was abusive towards me, I left him a year after our son was born. He wanted visitation and got it the first two months after we split up, but he was also a drug addict and started using a lot, so I denied him visitation when I found out our son wasn't safe with him.

He was contacting me constantly after that, screaming he would get a lawyer, make my life a living hell, get sole custody, and so on. He kept abusing me over the phone, and trying to intimidate me for over a year. I kept telling him he could only get visitation with supervision. At some occasions he did appear for visitation, but always verbally abusive towards me, so I started always having somebody else there with me to stop him doing that. He got even more angry after that, more screaming over the phone.

I finally told him I would not take the screaming anymore, and that he should take me to court so we could settle it. Every time he called with screaming about sole custody and all the other bullshit, I simply told him "contact my lawyer" and hung up.

He gave up trying to control me through abusive behavior, when he got zero emotional response. He never really had any interest in our son, he only wanted to use him to control me.

He never went to court.

Yeah, I forgot, he was always telling me he had this lawyer or that, usually big names, but I only ever got one letter from one lawfirm. After my lawyer responded, trying to set up a meeting, we never heard back.
I think he had at least ten different imaginary lawyers through the years.

My ex also told me he knew what house I lived in, so I was constantly in fear of him showing up at the door, taking my son or hurting me. I know the dread.

The only advice I can give is no contact, or no emotional response if you do have contact. Answer only in a neutral manner, and do not answer personal questions about you. Under no circumstances be alone with him, always have another person there for support, and to avoid him abusing you.

Don't let him control you with fear.

 

[Casey_03]

@ladee I can't really change my email unless I want to send out a mass email to my thousands of work contacts .... which would be kind of embarrassing, really. I've also been applying for jobs with this email, so am reluctant to get rid of it.

@She Cat I had him blocked before but on gmail it doesn't actually block it -- it just sends it to Spam. And I was advised by an attorney to be responsive and at the very least respond to his emails with one word answers, so he can't claim I am blocking him from his son. There is already well documented proof that he is the father and that I know he is the father -- there's no way for me to claim I don't know paternity.

The lawyer basically said that it's a judgment call about whether or not he'd actually seek to prove paternity -- that if I think he actually will, then it's better to have minimal contact to show that i am not blocking him and I did not abduct the child in any way. Because if he's able to argue that in court, it's almost guaranteed that he'd get more visitation and more rights in general.

Since most of the evidence of his abuse would likely not be allowed in court (social media, WhatsApp), I have to operate on the assumption that a court would not consider him abusive and any attempts by me to block him would be seen as unwarranted.

I have been ignoring most of his emails, with the exception of one message asking if the baby was okay, and another saying he wanted to visit.

 

[ladee]

Oh..forgot about work emails.
Have confidence you are doing all the right things as per lawyer suggestions.
We can only hope he just gets bored with it all.
There is no way to not be fearful of his intentions..but always come here for validation and support.
Give LM lots of kisses on his tummy for me. Tell him they are for me.
Lots of love and support.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Casey_03 It may be documented, but didn't you just "remember" the guy that you slept with besides the guy you "thought" might be the father???? Gee, now that poses an issue that paternity will have to be proven now. If it were me in your position, I would have slept with SEVERAL men during that time if he was pushing me. Be smart, be as smart as you need to be to protect yourself and your son.

This is to block unwanted email in gmail.

Block or unblock people's accounts - Accounts Help

 

[scout86]

This might be my own warped way of looking at this. I wouldn't block his emails. I wouldn't respond to them either, but they are 'information' and you can't have too much information. Even if he's totally blowing smoke, even if it's all lies, I'd still, personally, like some kind of window into what a person like that is thinking, if I can get it.

And, the SS people don't know who LM's father is, do they? I don't think they'd routinely give out information like that to anyone. It would probably take something like a court order.

If he's got contact info for some of your relatives and has contacted them in the past, I'd bet that's how he got the info. You might want to give them a heads up not to give ANYONE that information, without checking with you first. And see if anyone did contact them looking for you.

 

[Fadeaway]

You can get someone address from the I.P. address in their e-mails. Do not communicate with him again without a vpn.