Trial Coming Up In 3 Weeks, I Am Scared

[Nyssa]

Years ago, I have pressed charges against my brother and father for their sexual abuse. The inquiry process was unbelievably long. Somewhere along the way, they found out my brother had assaulted numerous children while he was under investigation. So now, 9 years after I first talked to the police, we are going to trial. It is going to be one big trial, with my father, my brother, me and the 15 other victims of my brother. It is planned to take one and a half week.

My mother is on the rapists side, calling me a lier and/or a victim of false memory syndrome -- she can't seem to choose between the two. Most of my extended family took my father's side, which makes me a crazy person to them.

My brother was also a victim of our father, but he won't say it. Even now he has confessed some of his crimes , he still insists that we were both raised in a perfectly healthy and loving family. It surprised me at first, but now I get it. He is in jail and will probably stay there for a few years. He might get a slightly reduced sentence if he explains what he went through as a child, but he will then loose his parents support, which is probably the only support he has left.

I don't know any of my brothers' other victims. They are still kids or young teenagers, and they will be with their mothers (there are no father in the picture, as my brother targeted single mother families).

I have a few "witnesses" (no one witnessed anything, but they witnessed me being a wreck). Friends from the time I pressed charges, friends and co-workers -- who are also friends -- from now.

I will have to testify. I will have to say as much as I can about the abuse, then answer the judges and jurer questions, and then face the defense lawyers attacks.

The trial will take place in my hometown, a few hundred miles away from where I live now. A few friends have offered to come and support me. They will not be in the audience for the trial, but they will be there with me in the evenings.

Those are the facts. What I feel about them is... a mess. I am afraid no one will be able to read this post if I try and go into it. This is kind of dumb, because it was the idea when I started writing this post. I guess I hide behind the detailed factual report of the context.

 

[Nyssa]

Ok feelings now. Sorry this rambling double post is so long.

Mostly I am scared, and ashamed in anticipation. I'm scared of the amount of pain and stress I will have to withstand.

It will hurt to listen to all the testimonies of disbelief.

It will be horribly difficult to describe my father's rape in front of him. My defense against this horror is to pretend it didn't not really happen.

I am still ashamed of my brother abuse. Part of me still thinks it was nothing, and another part of me thinks I am at fault for letting him do it.

I can't help but to feel ashamed of what my brother did to all these children. How are they going to view me? And about the mothers? Are they going to be mad at me for not pressing charges earlier?

I still feel sorry for the kid my brother was. At the time, we were allies against our father. And he is the only person who tried to protect me from him. He failed, and this is so sad. I hold my father responsible for what my brother has become. I think he (my brother) should rot in jail to make sure he never hurt another child. But at the same time, part of me sees him primarily as a victim of our father. I need to find a way to handle this ambiguity without ending up defending a child rapist.

I am ashamed when I think of the friends and who will take the stand at the trial. I am grateful and touched they accepted to do so. And it's not like they didn't know before, I had told them. But it will get more real there, and it makes me feel shameful.

I have known for 3 months when the trial will take place. Stress had been going up and down like crazy. Most of the time, I hold it together. And then suddenly, I freak out.

I will be OK, I will be OK, I will be OK. And if I am not, I can always kill myself afterwards. I am almost certain I won't, but sometimes, it is the only though that can calm me down.

 

[Kintsugi]

I still feel sorry for the kid my brother was

I understand this so profoundly that I have no words.

Also this

I can't help but to feel ashamed of what my brother did to all these children. How are they going to view me? And about the mothers? Are they going to be mad at me for not pressing charges earlier?

And this

At the time, we were allies

And this

I guess I hide behind the detailed factual report of the context.

And a host of other things.

I think you are so brave. I'm sending you my strength. Keep us updated, please.

 

[Arebas]

This is a tremendously stressful situation. No wonder you're a mess. I'm not sure of what to say other than I think you are very brave and that no one of those other victims will think that you should have done anything sooner. They will probably see your pain and understand it. And you're standing against the same abuse and facing your own family. They've had their moms, you don't. And I can understand your feelings for your brother. What he did is inexcusable but he was a victim too. You can feel sorry for him for that. Doing harm to other kids was his way of dealing with his trauma, you didn't hurt anyone. So you don't have to choose one feeling or the other. Being sorry for what he went through and being grateful for the times he tried to protect you doesn't mean that you support a child rapist. That was on him.

This will be really hard but you're doing all you can and you're trying to make things right and make them face justice. No one can take that from you. Hard as the trial will be and no matter the outcome, you would have fought for yourself and others and I think your being in the world is a good thing. Makes this place a bit better. I'm sure these friends who are willing to take the stand for you think the same. No need to feel ashamed because they love you and want to help you. You've probably helped them in many ways too so that's why they want to be there. You matter to them so you must have done something good!

I hope everything goes well and on these last few days waiting you find some moments of peace. You deserve it.

 

[Nyssa]

Thank you so much for your support. It really helps.

To a certain extent, fear and shame feel like old buddies I automatically turn to. Because I'm used to them, they feel like home, which gives me a false sense of control and reassurance.

Sometimes, I can choose not to go there and try to hold a different position. Telling myself "Ok, this is hard and yes, it will hurt. Worries and shame are useless. I can not control everything that will happen there. But if I focus on remaining true to myself, I should be ok."

I find a lot of strength and calm in that "staying true to myself" feeling. It is just hard not to forget it exists when I get panicky.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I can understand how scared and confused you probably are, but please know that what you are doing is huge and that you should be so proud of yourself. So many times victims of abuse, either sexual or any other type of abuse never report it.

You speak for so many of us that have never had the chance, or have been to afraid. You are the voice that I wish I had!!! Thank you!!!!

 

[Kintsugi]

You are the voice that I wish I had!!! Thank you!!!!

I want to second this.

 

[hodge]

You are so brave, @Nyssa. I third what @She Cat said.

I know it's going to be really hard and unspeakably painful, but you are doing the right thing. You are doing your part to protect more children and there aren't many things much more heroic than that.

We'll be here for you. I will pray for you. If you tell us when the trial starts, I will keep a candle lit for you. And, yes, just stay true to yourself.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Years ago, I have pressed charges against my brother and father for their sexual abuse. The inquiry proce...

You will need a lot of strength. My dad has denied abuse for over fifty years and would abuse me again if he could. Stalkers continue to assault me and will spread false versions of the criminal acts the next day. People that forced themselves onto me have claimed for over 7 years that the opposite ocurred. All of of my symptoms are denied by the criminals and they attempt to show that it was them who suffered.
The only thing that I do every time is to completely cut out anyone that acts that way, only speak the very minimum, and totally cut abusive family members out of my life. They will repeatedly throw lies in your face and I hate to say it, but when the defense smells blood it will go for the kill.
You have to work very hard from distancing yourself from all that hate because you spoke out against them.
Share it with us what happens, because we as victims will be able to give you strength and help you heal.

 

[Nyssa]

Thank you again. Your comments are heart warming.

@hodge, the trial will start on March the 13th.

@She Cat , @Simply Simon and @hodge ,

When I pressed charges, I chose what hurt less at the time. My brother had made it clear very to me he was an active pedophile. Because of this, it was worse for me to keep silent about him than to report him.

When I think of all the people whose rapes or assaults will never be on trial, I sometimes feel bad that mine are. It is like a mild survivor guilt type of feeling. Why me and not them/you? Courage is just a small part of it, I think. Overall, it is more a matter of circumstances, personal history, trauma history, support system, money, etc.

The possibility to seek justice shouldn't be a matter of luck. And it shouldn't be such an ordeal. That's what's unfair.

In France, an estimated 3% of sexual assaults end up on trial. 90% are never reported, and among the 10% that are, charges are dropped in 70% of the cases. What makes my case a good one? It turns out I am lucky my brother assaulted so many children I didn't know of. How sick is that?

Did I mention these 15 children were assaulted after I had pressed charges? The mothers had no idea my brother was under investigation. That makes me SO mad.

 

[Silent]

My family all turned there back on me. Congratulation on getting this far and helping so many kids. I disowned my family and started a new life.

 

[Nyssa]

Thank you @Silent . Take care.