Relationship New Relationship -ptsd

[KnottSure]

I have just started dating someone with PTSD. He has told me quite a bit about the experiences that he had while serving in the Army. I cannot imagine going through those things. I have tried to find books, articles and this forum to read and try to understand what is going on.
My question is: he will go without contacting me for a day or two. Is this normal? Do I try to keep in touch with him or let him be? I would appreciate any help I could get. Thank you!

 

[AlbusLupa]

Hi Heidi,

It seems to be perfectly normal for a sufferer to go without contact for a few days, even a week, or at times longer. As to keeping in touch, that's something I'd recommend discussing with him. My girlfriend often says she needs time and space, but has said she appreciates it when I message her to see how she's doing, because it shows that I care about her and I'm thinking about her - often I just send her a message when I get up and when I go to sleep, just to let her know I'm there. However, I suspect that there are others who would trigger their partner for constantly messaging them. It seems to be a very individual thing.

 

[KnottSure]

Hi Heidi,

It seems to be perfectly normal for a sufferer to go without contact for a few days, even...

Thank you so much! I appreciate any words I can get. This is new and foreign and I'm trying to be patient in this new world that I've found myself in.

 

[grimalkin]

Start researching. The more you know, the better prepared you are. One book I found helpful (for me at least, though I wish I'd had it from the beginning) is The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy, by Diane England. Keep researching.

Isolation is a very normal behavior, and as @AlbusLupa mentioned, the desire for contact depends on the sufferer. Communicating everyone's boundaries is essential, so when he's NOT in a triggered/isolating state, be sure to find out what he prefers when he's isolating.

Good luck. This is a great community, and I've learned a lot from everyone here. :)

 

[BlueOrange]

One of the things my wife was really good at, was giving me a chance to miss her. I was accustomed to pushing women away as they kept on contacting me. When three weeks had gone by and I hadn't heard from her, I started wanting to be the one to break the silence. A week after that, I actually was the one to break the silence. Once I started to feel OK about being the one to contact her after a pause in the relationship, I felt more in control, and safer. She says she was completely confident that I would come to my senses, and history has shown that she was right.

 

[Newtoptsd]

@Heidi Knott

Hey there :)

Like everyone above has said, it is common for sufferers of PTSD to isolate. If your sufferer is only isolating for a few days at a time then that is a good sign, takes a bit of patience but once you have understanding and knowledge it's a lot easier on both sides of the spectrum. My sufferer has isolated a few times, sometimes for a few days and then sometimes 5 days or so. In these periods I choose not to contact him as I know he won't respond, I haven't had confirmation from him whether he likes it when I message or not but I don't for my own sanity. I wouldn't like to contact him and him read and not respond regardless of whether I know it's isolation or not. But that's me personally and he's never said he doesn't like it, he just reaches back out to me when he's ready and say's sorry (even though he doesn't need to).

As mentioned, do as much research as you can. I've only known my SO for just over 6 months and I have read a few books 'loving someone with post traumatic stress disorder' and 'the post traumatic stress disorder relationship' ... also a combat specific one is 'once a warrior always a warrior' it's mainly aimed at combat vets who have PTSD but I think it's good to read it as a supporter as well as it gives you a better perspective on their feelings.

I take things quite far and I'm actually reading a lot of non-fiction books around the war in Afghanistan and Iraq, weirdly enjoying them. They have definitely given me the best insight into why he feels the way he does and how his experiences have affected him, these books have made me laugh, cry, feel sick etc.

This site is an absolute God send as well, I am so thankful for it! Keep researching and more importantly keep your chin up :):hug:

 

[KnottSure]

Start researching. The more you know, the better prepared you are. One book I found helpful (for me a...

Thank you! I will definitely be getting that book!

 

[KnottSure]

@Heidi Knott

Hey there :)

Like everyone above has said, it is common for suffer...

Thank you! I appreciate all of the support already!

 

[KnottSure]

One of the things my wife was really good at, was giving me a chance to miss her. I was accustomed t...

:) Thank you! Everyone's advice has been spot on so far! Thankful for all of you!

 

[Buttercup]

One of the things my wife was really good at, was giving me a chance to miss her. I was accustomed t...

@BlueOrange what would you do to push her away? Would you disappear and not contact her at all? Would you tell her you needed space? I'm very curious! :)

 

[BlueOrange]

@BlueOrange what would you do to push her away? Would you disappear and not contact her...

I retreated and disappeared more than pushing her away. I never needed to push her away.

She was sitting next to me as I started to write this, and I took some notes about how she handles me. (We've been living together for years, so she's not confident that this advice is 100% relevant early on.)

One thing that she was keen to point out is that there's an upside to a PTSD partner - when they are able to be there for you, they'll be there. (As opposed to others who will be able to be there, and choose not to.)

After 8 years living together, there are still times when I don't reply to messages. This is how she handles it:

There are two possible reasons why I haven't replied: The message hasn't arrived, or I am unable to reply. (The possibility that I don't want to is excluded because we have a track record of talking through our problems.)

Sending more messages doesn't help either way. So the first thing she does is work out "The Here and Now of Me". Where am I? What else needs doing? How long until we meet anyway? Is either of us in danger?

If there are other things that need doing (perhaps she's at work), then she does those things.

If nobody's in danger, then ignoring the lack of reply is an option. (If I don't answer when she asks what I want to eat, then either I take what I'm given, or cope with the fact that I'll have to get something for myself. After getting no food at all a few times, I'm forgetting my phone less often.)

If the message is important and urgent, then she knows that I find emails with subject lines easier, and that I treat phone calls as more urgent than text messages, so she'll try an alternative method.

If I might be in physical danger and she won't be seeing me soon enough, then friends get called, followed by appropriate authorities.

And if she needs me, and I can't be reached? (Or if I can be reached, but I don't have the capacity to provide the support or help that she needs?) Then she calls someone else.

"With PTSD, you have to have a plan B. And C. D and E is probably a good idea too."

At the end of the day, your sufferer is unreliable. They won't always be there. But it's just a more obvious version of what happens with everybody else: Sometimes, shit happens.

(This message reviewed and approved by Blue's wife.)

 

[Buttercup]

I retreated and disappeared more than pushing her away. I never needed to push her away.

She was si...

It's very nice to have both of you here and together. :)