purpleswirled
Silver Member
These aren't false memories but something I always remembered. They are odd because neither of them are memories which would seem to most people particularly life scarring but for some reason they keep bothering me (not all th etime but intermittently).
Memory 1/ i say memory, but I admit some of this scenario was filled in by family members- I can remember very little about some aspects of it. I was 5 years old. Apparently according to my parents and a teacher at school I one day blurted out something about my father touching my private parts. I said he had shoved his fingers up me. For the record, my father would never do something like that. His abuse of me never jhas been sexual in any way. Welll, i don't remember telling the teacher but I remeber what happened next. I was taken to this room in a police station and this police doctor took m y underwear down and laid me on a table. I don't remember why I was there. I just remember them putting something up me like a speculum. i didn't know why it was happening but i remmeber being afraid i was going to be scolded because i ahd a problem with soiling my underwear due to constipation and my father often made fun of me and shamed me when it happened. I just remember feeling terrible shame lying there on that table. I remember afterwards my mum scolding me for telling lies. We went home. I remember feeling I never wanted to remember this day again and I had no memory of it until my teens. My sister remembers we had to see a child psychologist at that time ans she said that fater the examiniation i became very clingy, angry, demanding and my shy personality changed into someone very aggressive and acting out. I could never use tampons, have sex or a smear test without my body tensing up. I avoided sex and smears because of the pain. My father often brings up the time when I accused him of raping me. i find it hard to believe I would claim such a thing had happened as i was a timid child and nervous of the schoolteacher who was a shouty, scary woman. But i accept that my father is angry and hurt- he has a right to be. he had always been invalifdating and abusive but after this he refused to believe anything i said and constantly told me to shut up if i tried to speak.
2/ Age 10, I was being bullied again at school quite badly. One day after school my mum was late picking me up, and I went back into the classroom as I had forgotten my homework. So i went in and there were 2 boys and a girl in my class there. They started asking me to take off my knickers for them. I refused. they said if i didn't they would lock me in the stationary cupboard- they knew i was claustrophobic- so i told them i preferred the cupboard but after a while i panicked and promised to let them take my clothes off. I was thinking i would promise and make a run for it. Then the two lads pushed me tp the floor and pinned me down. the girl, my best friend helped. I remember thinking, why is she helping them if she my friend? I fought back but they got my pants off. Nothing happened they just looked at me nad laughed. I remember the humiliation again and I'm ashamed to say i cried hysterically. Stupidly I went home and told my mum. My clothes were dishevelled and i was bruised between my legs. I made my mum swear never to tell my father or the school.
Next day i find my mother had told the school. The headteacher gave me a lecture on lying and tol dme not to flirt with the boys. Us girls used to have a game where we would lift our skirt sfor tyhe boys for a laugh. I think i cried for about 2 days. My mum had betrayed me and my friend.
My question is, i know neither of these things are sexual abuse or anything close to it but I feel like somehow these things have affected me. I look back at my childhood and see so many signs that would be symptomatic of sexual abuse and still have those effects now- can't trust men, feel dirty, excessive masturbation, fears of medical examinations, sex, childbirth etc. I feel a bit bad comparing my experiences to actual sexual abuse but every now nad then I will read a news story about a child being abused and my reaction sof anger and distress are extreme. I definitely had psychological and verbal abuse from my father and my home was a violent place. So maybe I am using thes eincidences to cover the traum aregarding my father?
Memory 1/ i say memory, but I admit some of this scenario was filled in by family members- I can remember very little about some aspects of it. I was 5 years old. Apparently according to my parents and a teacher at school I one day blurted out something about my father touching my private parts. I said he had shoved his fingers up me. For the record, my father would never do something like that. His abuse of me never jhas been sexual in any way. Welll, i don't remember telling the teacher but I remeber what happened next. I was taken to this room in a police station and this police doctor took m y underwear down and laid me on a table. I don't remember why I was there. I just remember them putting something up me like a speculum. i didn't know why it was happening but i remmeber being afraid i was going to be scolded because i ahd a problem with soiling my underwear due to constipation and my father often made fun of me and shamed me when it happened. I just remember feeling terrible shame lying there on that table. I remember afterwards my mum scolding me for telling lies. We went home. I remember feeling I never wanted to remember this day again and I had no memory of it until my teens. My sister remembers we had to see a child psychologist at that time ans she said that fater the examiniation i became very clingy, angry, demanding and my shy personality changed into someone very aggressive and acting out. I could never use tampons, have sex or a smear test without my body tensing up. I avoided sex and smears because of the pain. My father often brings up the time when I accused him of raping me. i find it hard to believe I would claim such a thing had happened as i was a timid child and nervous of the schoolteacher who was a shouty, scary woman. But i accept that my father is angry and hurt- he has a right to be. he had always been invalifdating and abusive but after this he refused to believe anything i said and constantly told me to shut up if i tried to speak.
2/ Age 10, I was being bullied again at school quite badly. One day after school my mum was late picking me up, and I went back into the classroom as I had forgotten my homework. So i went in and there were 2 boys and a girl in my class there. They started asking me to take off my knickers for them. I refused. they said if i didn't they would lock me in the stationary cupboard- they knew i was claustrophobic- so i told them i preferred the cupboard but after a while i panicked and promised to let them take my clothes off. I was thinking i would promise and make a run for it. Then the two lads pushed me tp the floor and pinned me down. the girl, my best friend helped. I remember thinking, why is she helping them if she my friend? I fought back but they got my pants off. Nothing happened they just looked at me nad laughed. I remember the humiliation again and I'm ashamed to say i cried hysterically. Stupidly I went home and told my mum. My clothes were dishevelled and i was bruised between my legs. I made my mum swear never to tell my father or the school.
Next day i find my mother had told the school. The headteacher gave me a lecture on lying and tol dme not to flirt with the boys. Us girls used to have a game where we would lift our skirt sfor tyhe boys for a laugh. I think i cried for about 2 days. My mum had betrayed me and my friend.
My question is, i know neither of these things are sexual abuse or anything close to it but I feel like somehow these things have affected me. I look back at my childhood and see so many signs that would be symptomatic of sexual abuse and still have those effects now- can't trust men, feel dirty, excessive masturbation, fears of medical examinations, sex, childbirth etc. I feel a bit bad comparing my experiences to actual sexual abuse but every now nad then I will read a news story about a child being abused and my reaction sof anger and distress are extreme. I definitely had psychological and verbal abuse from my father and my home was a violent place. So maybe I am using thes eincidences to cover the traum aregarding my father?
