How Would You React To This? Suicide Prevention Related

[Beemo3780]

A bit of backstory - one of my daughter's friends at school committed suicide in October. Since then, the school has been what I would consider over-vigilant about suicide prevention. That's all we hear about now. They send home mailers almost once a month, they have had at least 3 class assemblies dealing with the subject, and the kids know there are psychiatrists on staff. I get it, they want to cover their butts, but this is overkill.

My mother committed suicide when I was in my 20s, I witnessed it, I was diagnosed with PTSD about a year later. I don't deal with the topic very well. Also, March is the month that happened. A series of events happened that month following my birthday at the beginning of March, and today is very close to the anniversary it happened. My daughter knows but not the details, and wouldn't even know at all but her biological father told her in an effort to make me look bad.

Well, long story short, anytime anything happens with my daughter at school because of her friend, I get a call from them talking about suicide prevention. We've had to go to the school and meet with counselors, and all sorts of people. My daughter was having trouble with a boy that was harassing her, the school called me about suicide. Her grades were slipping a little after her friend died, and I mean she went from As to a couple C's and mostly B's, I understood too, and they called me about suicide. We are dealing with the friend as a family, my daughter is in therapy, went to grief counseling, and she's pretty much fine now.

Today they called me because my daughter didn't want to watch a suicide related video they were showing and asked to be excused. The first thing the counselor tells me is that my daughter does not have suicidal thoughts, but she was concerned that she didn't want to watch the video. They were blowing it so out of proportion. I was so angry, I told them that I was completely fine with her not wanting to watch a suicide video. Her friend died, it probably stirred up sad emotions. What did they expect? I also don't really like having it brought up all the time for my own mental health reasons.

My husband wants to file a complaint. I'm not sure how I want to react. Am I thinking about this rationally?

 

[joeylittle]

I think, ultimately, I'd rather see everyone get to the same point you are at (highly aware, educated, kids get consistent reinforcement that the topic is not taboo) - and be able to say, "ok, we get it, you can stop reminding us so frequently....than have anyone slip through the cracks of not really hearing the message.

In other words: is it becoming annoying? Absolutely. And, does it need to stop immediately? No.

I think you do have an opportunity to dialogue with the school, if you'd like. Asking what their timeline is to transition out of educating about warning signs and vigilance (because it's becoming slightly hyper-vigilant). The next step should be educating about the slow transition involved in grief and healthy avoidance, to normalcy and selective avoidance. Because at this point, the students are likely in two columns - those who are still grieving because they knew the girl who died, and those who are doing OK at this point because it's 3-4 months on, the shock is wearing off, and they weren't as directly, personally affected - either by having their own depression flare, or just because they didn't know the girl well.

The teachers are certainly not sure when warnings stop and new messaging begins. That counselor who called you did their job - they were letting you know about a thing that happened at school; they don't know, and aren't supposed to know, how things are going with your daughter in therapy, whether this is an indication of needing help or not. So, they told you, and you told them - no, it's OK, I support her choice. That's all fine.

I wouldn't lodge a complaint. I think they are doing well. But I would ask how they are thinking about moving onto grief education, and talking about how one can still get healthy again without feeling guilty for forgetting.

Four months since the incident, is not a long time at all.

 

[Beemo3780]

I probably should have mentioned that we've already had several discussions with the counselors and the principal that they needed to stop pushing my daughter with the suicide stuff. They've already added this to her record, which we were angry about. And when the boy was harassing her, they kept telling us that she was having issues with the suicide of her friend - it had nothing to do with that, she and the boy had dated, and he was being verbally abusive towards her so we had to involve the parents. They are calling us about everything and linking it to the suicide. They also know the family history, and I've told them suicide is not something we take lightly in our home.

We had a meeting with the principal and the counselor about 2 months ago about an incident that happened with the boy posting things on Instagram about my daughter, and the principal and counselor both kept bringing up the suicide.

Sure, it's great that they are doing this for the other students as a whole, but they have taken it too far with my daughter. I'm sure they aren't doing this with the other students.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm sure they aren't doing this with the other students.

How do you know?

 

[Fadeaway]

This has to be very difficult for you. My story is very similar to your regarding having a mother that committed suicide. I don't know how I would handle it if I had to deal with the school situation. I am pretty sure it would really have me upset though. The school is probably more worried about P.R. issues and being sued if a 2nd suicide occurs rather than the feelings of a students parents. On the off chance something does occur they want to be able to show they multiple prevention steps.

Suicide risk does climb after a suicide. Suicide in the family increases suicide risk. They are looking at statistics and not the individuate situation. @joeylittle is absolutely right about addressing the subject of grief. I think educating about about grief is going to do more for suicide prevention than what they are currently doing.

 

[Beemo3780]

We had my daughter's friends over yesterday, and they were all talking about the situation. The school counselors were apparently angry with my daughter for wanting to be excused from seeing the video. They told her, and only her, that she would be having a call made home to me.

Also, her guidance counselor said they were going to be marking suicidal thoughts into her permanent record, even though my daughter said she has never had any. Her friend died. This is going to be looked at by colleges when she applies now. This guidance counselor had an Associate's Degree from a community college hanging on his wall, where my husband has a PhD in Law and a Bachelor's in psychiatry and I have a Bachelor's in Science, and the guy was arguing with us over what he thought would help my daughter. This was after we complained about the boy harassing my daughter, which the school will not address and have turned it into a thing about suicide.

We're drafting a letter this weekend to the superintendent.

 

[Freedomfighter]

A bit of backstory - one of my daughter's friends at school committed suicide in October. Since then...

I don't think you are over reacting there, makes complete sense. The child really did loose a friend to suicide, now that school wants your poor child to watch a movie about suicide?

Why don't they start to suggest to make the holocaust survivors watch movies about death camps in World War 2? Whatever school officials are doing there just does not make sense to me.

 

[Beemo3780]

It's been overload. The thing is she sees a therapist, and most days she just wants to move forward and not think about it all the time. The school has not given her the option to opt out of all the assemblies, and they are just covering their butts. They've already had another girl commit suicide in the past month that my daughter did not know. Teens like drama, and I can only imagine that the way they are going about this is probably not doing anyone any favors.

We have had to go to 3 different meetings with the principal and the counselors about suicide, which by the last one my daughter had started crying and they told us she could not return class for the day. My husband was livid when they were going to mark suicide on her record. Her friends even thought the school was being ridiculous. It seems like they are pushing her right now, and that's not ok. She's my daughter, and they don't get to have a say in her treatment plan with her therapist.

We sent off the letter this morning. If I get one more phone call concerning my daughter and the suicide of her friend, we've already decided to take additional steps.

 

[chade66]

Sounds like you have decided on a course of action. I can only say that I'm very sorry this is happening to your family, but kudos to your daughter for knowing that she needed to take care of herself by not watching that video. Hang in there. High school does not last forever, it just feels like it does.