Is This Attachment Disorder Withdrawal?

[Dana1010]

I have this memory loop of this person, which I think is a re-enactment of some kind of parental rejection/attachment disorder thing. It is ridiculously hard to go a whole day (or even an hour) without thinking of it, so I'm pretty sure it's significant.

Anyway, I was doing some aggressive grounding/mindfulness techniques to try to force myself to stop thinking of it. They kind of worked, but now I'm feeling really uncomfortable in my skin. I don't like myself and I feel very hopeless.

What's going on with me? Am I withdrawing from an attachment to my father or to this person or to both? Has anyone with attachment disorder gone through a similar withdrawal period, and do you have advice for getting through it?

Can grounding be too much too soon?

 

[Justmehere]

I have an attachment disorder that I'm working through.

Do you know what your most common attchement style is? Are you preoccupied or avoidant or secure or ambivalent?

If this is a case of your brain getting stuck on and ruminating about the loss/rejection of someone close to you, and that mimics an earlier loss - I'm not sure that's part of an attachment disorder per se. It could be more that this person and the memory of them is stirring up feelings about your father with it, so it feels just as intense.

Grounding/mindfulness will likely make you feel more present, but over time it should decrease the discomfort.

This discomfort you are in is actually a good sign (I want to throw a pillow at my therapist every time she says this to me, so I can understand if it's not comforting to read this.)

The thing is, this memory may be coming up over and over because it may be time to grieve what happened with this person, and your father. You may need to walk through a time of grief and then it will get better. The original attachment wound will heal a bit that way.

Self care and self soothing skills may be more helpful than aggressive grounding/mindfulness. What helps me the most to get through grief and anxiety and the pain of early attachment wounds being stirred up is thinking about what would soothe a hurting child, and doing some of that for myself as an adult. Things like a good book or light hearted movie to distract, a warm blanket, etc. It's not about escaping or pushing away the pain, but comfort through it, and addressing the developmental needs that were never met back then.

Whatever is going on for you, I hope you find some safe relief from the pain. :hug:

 

[Dana1010]

Are you preoccupied or avoidant or secure or ambivalent?

I don't really know. Judging by this case, I might say preoccupied.

'm not sure that's part of an attachment disorder per se. It could be more that this person and the memory of them is stirring up feelings about your father with it, so it feels just as intense.

The reason I think it's attachment is because of the persistence of the loop -- this has been going on for over two years now. And also, these fantasies of redeeming myself to him despite their being zero chance of that in real life. It seems like the rejection itself bound me to him, which would be an attachment disorder, right?

Self care and self soothing skills may be more helpful than aggressive grounding/mindfulness.

This loop is so hard to eradicate, self care doesn't really do anything about it. Only actively calling out and naming the thoughts helps reduce their frequency.

 

[Justmehere]

And also, these fantasies of redeeming myself to him despite their being zero chance of that in real life. It seems like the rejection itself bound me to him, which would be an attachment disorder, right?

Not exactly. I'll try to explain, but I might mangle this, so take it with a lot of salt.

An attachment disorder would show up consistently in current relationships as well. If you find yourself chronically wanting to be close to other people in your life now, across the board, and you want to be much closer than they want to be all the time, and you dive super deep into relationships super fast, and people express being overwhelmed by it, and you are very anxious about abandonment if that consistent closeness isn't there all the time, and this happens in many relationships, then that is suggestive of a preoccupied attachment disorder.

You could very well have an attachment disorder but what you describe here alone doesn't actually point very strongly in the direction of a preoccupied attachment disorder or any other attachment disorder.

It does suggest attachment based wounds that were triggered or stirred upby this rejection, which may have been a trauma reenactment of sorts, and the attachment wounds with your father being stirred up would make this all the more powerful. But it's not suggestive of a preoccupied attachment disorder in and of itself.

I think this does point very strongly to trying to resolve the attachment wounds with your father through a form of a trauma reenactment compulsion. It's really quite common for survivors to have a relationship in adulthood remind them of a childhood wounding, and for them to compulsively get stuck on trying to fix that relationship and to have a very vey hard time letting go and moving on.

One can have any number of attachment styles / disorders or no attachment disorder at all, and get caught in that cycle and it's very very powerful and hard to stop.

I'll give you an example. I had a very checked out mother and it lead to harm in my life as a child when my main caregiver did not protect me and daily abandoned presence with me as a mother and caregiver.

As an adult, I attached, strongly, to a woman who was more present and like a mother figure to me, in a way, but just a slightly healthier mother figure. I have an avoidant/ambivalent attachment style, and I don't attach in a preoccupied fashion and I didn't with her. However, when this relationship ended... I obsessed for a long time about various fantasies about how to solve it and how it could be could have been and I thought about it a lot. It was about attachment - but not preoccupied attachment. It was about trying to actually solve the early wounding of the abandonment and hurt by my mother by getting stuck on this relationship with this other woman even after it ended. It was a trauma reenactment related compulsion. I was trying to solve the original wound through the later relationship with a level of compulsion that would fit as if my life depended on solving the relationship and staying attached to that person.

Another example: I have a friend who grew up with a drunk abusive father. As an adult, she had a very aambivalnet attachment style. She was constantly panicky they were abandoning her but held people at a distance. With work, she was able to develop what's called an earned secure attachment style. It's the next best thing to a secure attachment style. She started dating again and she dated a guy and maintained a healthy secure attachment pattern with him and others. Then after a car accident, he suddenly started doing things that reminded her of her father that were unhealthy. He started to drink to excess. This triggered, stirred up, the unresolved issues with her father, and she began to obess over making things work with him. Her attachment style didn't change, but she still compulsively spent lots of time trying to think of ways to make it work.

As a kid, holding on to a relationship with a primary caregiver - internalizing it even through fantasy - helps kids mentally develop. It's what kids are supposed to do. It gets screwed up when the caregiver is horrible abusive and/or abandoning. It isn't completed - and I think you are stuck on this relationship because that original wounding was never resolved. You are possibly trying to subconciously solve it now, and it's compulsive because it's a developmental stage that the brain has to solve to move on.

If it was an attachment disorder issue alone, it wouldn't (typically) be so "stuck" as a cognitive compulsive loop with just one person after a rejection.

This loop is so hard to eradicate, self care doesn't really do anything about it. Only actively calling out and naming the thoughts helps reduce their frequency.

That's good! It's a sign that using CBT stopping techniques that help compulsive thoughts in general might also help relieve some of this.

 

[Dana1010]

I was trying to solve the original wound through the later relationship with a level of compulsion that would fit as if my life depended on solving the relationship and staying attached to that person.

It is this feeling that my life depends on it that's really disturbing. I feel genuinely terrified of this person.

It isn't completed - and I think you are stuck on this relationship because that original wounding was never resolved. You are possibly trying to subconciously solve it now, and it's compulsive because it's a developmental stage that the brain has to solve to move on.

So how do I complete it? How do I move on? Should I start thinking/talking (in therapy) about my dad more? Or do I continue trying to resolve it with the person from adult life? How do I resolve it?

The funny thing is I don't really feel much when I think of my father. I basically shrug my shoulders and say, "Eh, I didn't have a father."

 

[Justmehere]

It is this feeling that my life depends on it that's really disturbing. I feel genuinely terrified of this person.

Yeah, I have felt something smillar and it's very confusing because I have felt the compulsion with people I was terrified of as well.

So how do I complete it? How do I move on? Should I start thinking/talking (in therapy) about my dad more? Or do I continue trying to resolve it with the person from adult life? How do I resolve it?

I would not suggest trying to resolve it with the person in your adult life unless they are a very safe partner who is very self aware and stable or an actual therapist. It almost never works outside of that to resolve it with new people.

Recognizing what is happening is the first step. One way to address it is to work on the original source of it, in and outside of therapy, both grieving what was lost and finding new ways to get the needs met that are safe. Some of this could include inner child work or family systems work.

There are a handful of other theories and approaches for solve trauma repetition compulsions, but I'm not sure I could explain them well enough. They all take time. They all include work on what happened with original person and how that's stored in the body and brain.

In the meantime, using all the kinds of things you have been doing to endure it will help reduce it as well. In general, most compulsions reduce their intensity the more they are felt, but not acted upon. Even this kind of trauma repetition compulsion. It's hard to break free of it, but it's so worth it.

The funny thing is I don't really feel much when I think of my father. I basically shrug my shoulders and say, "Eh, I didn't have a father."

I was the exact same way about my father and my mother (both hurt me as a kid in different ways). I was fairly nonchalant about it. Not so much anymore. Now I have a lot of feelings about it... but it's getting better.

 

[Dana1010]

I would not suggest trying to resolve it with the person in your adult life unless they are a very safe partner who is very self aware and stable or an actual therapist.

The person from my adult life is long out of the picture. I really did not even know him, if you can believe that. But I am still obsessed with him and with the rejection.

Also, what you you mean by "trauma religion compulsions?"

 

[Justmehere]

Oh darn, that was a typo - now corrected. So sorry about that. I meant trauma repetition compulsion. :)

 

[Dana1010]

Oh darn, that was a typo - now corrected. So sorry about that. I meant trauma repetition compulsion.

Yeah, we seriously need to get the edit function back (*note to admin).

 

[joeylittle]

we seriously need to get the edit function back (*note to admin).

You can learn more about various upgrades and their features (including editing), here.