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anxious attachment w an avoidant attachment partner

hi I am very close to falling asleep but felt like i needed to get this off my chest. sorry if theres been posts like this before, usually i look up to see what people have posted about on here, but I just need to get this off so I can sleep and I don't know where else to put it..

I have been with my partner for eight months. We both have c-ptsd. They aren't very self-aware of their avoidant attachment, it's something my therapist has pointed out to me and I didn't look into it much until tonight but now a lot of things make much more sense. I feel less crazy for feeling so unsettled and like I'm getting mixed signals when they say they aren't withdrawing from me. Things have been good, we've communicated through our issues, and I've been really excited to bring them up to meet two really important family members they haven't met yet this week.

But for the past month they have been really stressed and falling back to what I realize is their avoidant attachment. The first two weeks, I was good with this and took over caretaking more and felt fine because I've been in a really good place recently with the right medication dose. But after two weeks of caretaking more and the withdrawing continuing and it becoming more doubtful of if they'd reciprocate caretaking behaviors again, I started sprialling into my anxious attachment. I've had a big ptsd episode that they kind of helped me through but were also cycling between being there for me and being very distant, sounding monotone and going on their phone when I needed comfort. I have been communicating that they aren't as interested in doing stuff I want to do/I feel like they haven't been excited to see me or intaite dates. They tell me they're sorry and they aren't bored of me but the past two nights they've canceled plans with me to play a video game with a friend.

Normally, I'm fine with chnages in plans, but with the past months of constant missing of bids of affection and the uncertainty brewing in me over their withdrawing behavior, it's really triggering my rejected feelings when they cancel plans suddenly. I definitely realize I am caretaking too much instead of looking after myself. And that I should do research on better ways to communicate with their avoidance in mind, I don't think when I have conversations that I'm using blaming language but maybe I could phrase things better to make sure they don't shut down only hearing that they're not good enough. I don't think they're not good enough. I love them very much and want to be in a longterm relationship with them but I'm also feeling scared and hurt right now. We made plan to play the videogame they are obssessed with right now for escapism and it would have been very comforting after reading all this stuff on attachment styles to have had a nice bonding low stress activity together. I did tell them I was sad to not play but I want them to have a good time.

They said they want to play now so they can focus on being with me and my family this week. Normally, this would reassure me but it feels hard to trust them making promises about being present. My past ex was very abusive and used to stir things up when we'd visit family so I'd be miserable and I feel really anxious about all of this happening before our trip up. Last weekend was my partner's mom's birthday and we spent it with her and her young child and her boyfriend. My partner was distant throughout the day and I took up the place of entertaining their little brother the whole day and it felt a little stressful and lonely. I'm worried they will be the same with my family, that the being distant will continue.

I also feel a little heartbroken. I had such a bad last relationship and I want to feel like equals in that I can trust I will be taken care of too. I don't want to be constantly pursuing. I am working on my anxious attachment. I am worried they won't work on their avoidance. I know I need to commuincate this all to them but it just feels very overwhelming this evening to realize oh me caretaking will not help but in fact enable this unhealthy pattern we've got stuck in and that I can't trust on them to reciprocate if they burrow into their avoidance. We are driving up on Wednesday and I don't know if talkign about this before is a bad idea or if not talking about it will have it simmer in me and the trip will be stressful with everything unsaid. I'm very sad that this trip I was looking so forward to I am now feeling stressed about. It makes me sad they haven't seemed excited about the trip unless I ask them directly. The two weeks of feeling unloved and not safe is getting to me.

idk if anyone will read this but thank you for allowing me the space to write this out, I feel like I can sleep now.
 
hi I am very close to falling asleep but felt like i needed to get this off my chest. sorry if theres been posts like this before, usually i look up to see what people have posted about on here, but I just need to get this off so I can sleep and I don't know where else to put it..

I have been with my partner for eight months. We both have c-ptsd. They aren't very self-aware of their avoidant attachment, it's something my therapist has pointed out to me and I didn't look into it much until tonight but now a lot of things make much more sense. I feel less crazy for feeling so unsettled and like I'm getting mixed signals when they say they aren't withdrawing from me. Things have been good, we've communicated through our issues, and I've been really excited to bring them up to meet two really important family members they haven't met yet this week.

But for the past month they have been really stressed and falling back to what I realize is their avoidant attachment. The first two weeks, I was good with this and took over caretaking more and felt fine because I've been in a really good place recently with the right medication dose. But after two weeks of caretaking more and the withdrawing continuing and it becoming more doubtful of if they'd reciprocate caretaking behaviors again, I started sprialling into my anxious attachment. I've had a big ptsd episode that they kind of helped me through but were also cycling between being there for me and being very distant, sounding monotone and going on their phone when I needed comfort. I have been communicating that they aren't as interested in doing stuff I want to do/I feel like they haven't been excited to see me or intaite dates. They tell me they're sorry and they aren't bored of me but the past two nights they've canceled plans with me to play a video game with a friend.

Normally, I'm fine with chnages in plans, but with the past months of constant missing of bids of affection and the uncertainty brewing in me over their withdrawing behavior, it's really triggering my rejected feelings when they cancel plans suddenly. I definitely realize I am caretaking too much instead of looking after myself. And that I should do research on better ways to communicate with their avoidance in mind, I don't think when I have conversations that I'm using blaming language but maybe I could phrase things better to make sure they don't shut down only hearing that they're not good enough. I don't think they're not good enough. I love them very much and want to be in a longterm relationship with them but I'm also feeling scared and hurt right now. We made plan to play the videogame they are obssessed with right now for escapism and it would have been very comforting after reading all this stuff on attachment styles to have had a nice bonding low stress activity together. I did tell them I was sad to not play but I want them to have a good time.

They said they want to play now so they can focus on being with me and my family this week. Normally, this would reassure me but it feels hard to trust them making promises about being present. My past ex was very abusive and used to stir things up when we'd visit family so I'd be miserable and I feel really anxious about all of this happening before our trip up. Last weekend was my partner's mom's birthday and we spent it with her and her young child and her boyfriend. My partner was distant throughout the day and I took up the place of entertaining their little brother the whole day and it felt a little stressful and lonely. I'm worried they will be the same with my family, that the being distant will continue.

I also feel a little heartbroken. I had such a bad last relationship and I want to feel like equals in that I can trust I will be taken care of too. I don't want to be constantly pursuing. I am working on my anxious attachment. I am worried they won't work on their avoidance. I know I need to commuincate this all to them but it just feels very overwhelming this evening to realize oh me caretaking will not help but in fact enable this unhealthy pattern we've got stuck in and that I can't trust on them to reciprocate if they burrow into their avoidance. We are driving up on Wednesday and I don't know if talkign about this before is a bad idea or if not talking about it will have it simmer in me and the trip will be stressful with everything unsaid. I'm very sad that this trip I was looking so forward to I am now feeling stressed about. It makes me sad they haven't seemed excited about the trip unless I ask them directly. The two weeks of feeling unloved and not safe is getting to me.

idk if anyone will read this but thank you for allowing me the space to write this out, I feel like I can sleep now.
OK, so my issues are abit similar . I have CPTSD and anxious attachment. I need to know I'm loved and valued and safe emotionally in my relationships. My bf is an avoidance attachment person. This triggers me enormously. I have to second guess how he feels about me / things. I can ask at a push but I feel he should be able to tell me. it looks like he cares but... A few times he ended it if he thought I was getting to close. So that massively destabilised me as it came out the blue. He's cycled through love bombing ,apathy then discard and back again 4 times in a year. I have made the excuse for him as he does have PTSD but I see now that unfortunately he just happens to be a covert narcassist with PTSD. This behaviour has set me back terribly as I have become trauma bonded with him. Don't make my mistake if this sound familiar yo anyone.
 
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