I Want To Be Supportive And I Am Having Trouble.

[NewBeginnings]

I have been married 19 years -that is a lot. Once upon a time I was happy go lucky. Sure I had stress- my husband had stress. There were occasional bumps for for the most part we were always in the same page ... I guess if I were to be completely honest - my DH is difficult to live with and people used to say they didn't know how I could be married to him but that we were good for each other.

Then he had a major health scare - it was really tough -he thought he was dying- truly believed he was to die that night- he didn't want to see our children because he didn't want their last memory of him to be in the hospital. He wanted to signed DNR papers. He was saying goodbye to me. It was a crazy time but he was stabilized with meds and able to go home.

Ok now we are all home and he had time off but my trouble was that I couldn't bounce back . I couldn't sleep I was ready to jump out of my skin. I couldn't take it. I knew I was to die first and he was sick. I was way off. I knew I have to talk to someone before I made irreversible decisions. Luckily I found an excellent counselor whom I have seen weekly for years. And we discovered that this experience stirred up my past traumas that have been completely buried for years. It has been a major overwhelming experience.
I am frustrated with myself and stuck because while I am working hard to address my issues, I have changed. I am not the "good" wife I once was. I now work full time (which I had not done previously) and I just can't keep up. My issues stand in the way of feeling like I can tell my DH what is going on. He has off handed said that I am different and he doesn't know what I want. What I discovered is I never really expressed wants. I am a people pleaser and assumed that role very well. My DH is very demanding and I was fine before but now see that it may be ok to express a need.
I struggle because my DH is right- I have changed and I am different. I don't know where to begin but feel guilty that I don't support him like I used to - making all his meals (very involved home cooked meals). I don't hold him accountable to do things and I have a crazy hard time of asking. I fear he will leave me which my T questions why I think that as she has seen no indication.
Bottom line - I am scared and don't know what will be next but feel like I am not being fair to my husband because I made the changes and now he is feeling the effect.
Sorry for the long text-
I am finally realizing I may actually have some feelings after all- and I don't know how to resolve this.
I feel bad that my husband doesn't get the support he used to from me. I wish I could but understand that he has chosen not to address his issues so it has been really hard for me.
Does anybody know how I can work on me and still accommodate his needs?

 

[Justmehere]

Here's the thing: when you are on an airplane, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help someone else put their own.

Same is true for this type of situation.

Your efforts to try to stuff all your needs and accommodate him to such an extent isn't actually good for him. It's enabling him to act in a way that is unhealthy for relationships and for himself.

You have made changes to take care of you and what you need, and that's good. It is something to celebrate. Keep doing the good work you are doing.

As far as his needs - it's probably time for him to worry about those so much. The only support you mention is making his meals. He is a grown man. You work full time. If he leaves because you stopped being his live in cook, well that's just messed up and it wasn't going to work no matter what you did. If he is in a bad place due to lack of food, well he's a grown man. Maybe it's time for him to cook for you. Holding him accountable to do things is more like what a mother would do than a wife. It might help him begin to face his issues if he starts facing the pain of a lack of your accommodating his needs as much.

 

[NewBeginnings]

I so appreciate your direct and appropriate response. I get frustrated because in the moment, circumstances/situations/thoughts carry so much weight that is becomes overwhelming and hard to see the forest beyond the trees. When I step back, write it out and reach out for help with an objective perspective, it all seems more manageable. And it is validating the situation.
Thank you!

 

[Justmehere]

I find that I get very caught up in the moment and writing it down and getting feedback helps me step back and find some clarity too.

You are in a really tough spot! My heart goes out to you! :hug:

 

[Freedomfighter]

I have been married 19 years -that is a lot. Once upon a time I was happy go lucky. Sure I had...

What is the health situation of your husband? Does he need daily care? Is he mobile? Can he cook, clean, do errands? If there is a handicap due to his past illness then additional help may be needed.

You can not handle all of the stress working and taking care of an ill person, eventually you might burn out and then neither you or him will be healthy.

You have a right to your own life too, it should not just consist of taking care of him, when we raise children we do that.

 

[NewBeginnings]

What is the health situation of your husband? Does he need daily care? Is he mobile? Can he cook...

Excellent Questions! That is part of the craziness. . . I don't even know how to answer because really nothing is wrong other then his heart does not beat normally. My husband who is very health conscious regarding food quality had complicated heart issues which were greatly helped when he took his meds that he has since determined he doesn't like how it makes him feel so he quit them. So no my husband has really no physical limitations and does not need care. He is physically active and has an active job. We have so much to be grateful for.

That said, I had taken responsibility when he was sick. I am a huge people pleaser which I have recently come to see. I used to do so much - care for the family - cook, clean, shop, taxi our children, and major volunteering, and work part time 2 jobs. After this and through help with my T, I streamlined - took a break from volunteering 20-30 hours a week, stopped both PT jobs and now I have a full time very rewarding and very demanding job. I am now more aware of all I did and can't keep up with all around the house - i have my 3 children all help in the house and well my husband does a few things and works FT but wants me home more, I do all the cooking and if I don't he snacks and waits for me to make food for the family. I sound like I am whining and complaining - I have written this post several times and keep deleting because in the whole scheme of things I should have no issue. Through this I struggle with my own issues from repeated traumas and as a result I have nightmares(flashbacks) lots of anxiety, reluctant to admit-depression, and feel brokenness and shame that I don't share (except with my T). Objectively this should not be difficult to "fix" but adding in emotion brings everything to another dimension.
I know I am rambling - I am going to hit post before I delete again...

 

[Justmehere]

You do not sound like you are whining. Not one bit.

You have made some huge changes and that's amazing.

Keep going. You are on a good path.

And I disagree with you that this should be an easy fix. Just about nothing that is worth fixing is easy to fix. Additionally, you spent a lifetime learning to please to survive, and when you were surviving trauma, that was a good skill to have. You survived.

Now you are learning to do relationship in a very different way, and it's quite normal and common for it to be hard and take time.

I hope that maybe in time you could let go of the very harsh self judgement. You deserve support for you. You deserve to not have to please anymore, and for it to feel safe and good to let it go and for him to step up. It's probably don't going to feel or be easy for awhile, but don't give up and try not to be so hard on you. The fact that despite all your good efforts he is still not stepping up has got to be maddening. It would drive me bonkers. Ugh.

The fact that he doesn't even make dinner...

You don't sound ramble at all. Just exhausted, as any working mom with PTSD would be, even without a lazy husband.

 

[NewBeginnings]

You do not sound like you are whining. Not one bit.

You have made some huge changes and that's amaz...

Thank you for your thoughtful reply - you said a lot and I need to let myself take it in.
My T has helped me to see some of this for myself and also been very up front with me. Now seeing your responses and others is an eye opener because i see it is not one perspective. I guess until we reach out everything we experience seems like it is the norm and the way it is suppose to be. Then we reach out and gain awareness.
Really -Thank you

 

[kilted]

If he was so certain he was close to death and now he doesn't take the meds then there's something else going on.

Initial high levels of support are good, but that needs to then be tailored toward recovery, improving the persons ability to look after themselves. The effort exerted in supporting a person needs to be sustainable, and also contain some equivalency to the amount of effort they are making to support themselves. That may be as simple as going to a therapist, taking appropriate exercise, taking meds on time etc......

 

[NewBeginnings]

If he was so certain he was close to death and now he doesn't take the meds then there's something else...

Yes- there is more going on or so I believe. Paying attention to mental health is relatively new for me and I really do not know all the factors but I would say he is very depressed, probably has some OCD tendencies and issues around anger ( not expressed often but when it is I completely shut down) I have probably enabled his behavior for years. This whole experience seems to have unearthed a huge hornets nest. After his incident, he was told that he needed to find out why he wasn't able to maintain healthy habits (really poor sleep habits and over all poor care of himself or him surroundings). I pushed for him to see a T himself which finally he agreed but it wasn't a good match or he just was not able to put in the work. He just stopped showing up. He says it didn't work, he tried that and he will never do that again. He says he doesn't want to live a compromised life which is why he won't take meds ( or follow up on his cardiologist's recommendations - basically they believe he has a particular heart condition that make his in a very high risk category for a heart attack- he should have a heart MRI to confirm but he says if he has it and it is confirmed he has this condition then he won't do the treatment - so what's the point.) I have tried to let him make his own choice - it is hard that I can't control it and I can't keep banging my head against the wall for him to change. He is different outside the home than inside - everyone sees him as a picture of health and very generous and charming- but at home he is needy. Thankfully this is basically anonymous because I have majorly thrown him under the bus. Sorry for the long post. Thanks for listening.

 

[kilted]

If he doesn't want to see a therapist, doesn't want to take meds, doesn't want to alter lifestyle to reduce a possibly large risk of heart attack then you're living with someone who has given up on life and is waiting for death.

However tHere is something interesting with his fear of death.... it may be that his behaviour is an attempt to distance himself from the likelihood of death..... a kind of dissociation/sticking head in sand...... any treatment/action would be a reminder of the possibility of death which is too much to bear..... so he doesn't do these things and tries to carry on as before......

but you are changing....

which leaves him in a dilemma.....!

 

[NewBeginnings]

If he doesn't want to see a therapist, doesn't want to take meds, doesn't want to alter lifestyle to red...

I think the dilemma seems to be mine because he isn't bothered by it. I internalize his behavior (that this is about me- which it is not but somehow I place my value in what others think and go back to wanting to be supportive to help him change and believe he should have enough reasons to want to change and so the vicious cycle continues. At the end of this I think I feel hurt or I get afraid that I will be hurt so I find myself trying to do more until I step back and realize I am more aware of the situation which then is hard too. Am I just delusional?