Being Depressed With Suicidal Thoughts - It's The Only World I've Known

[ms spock]

You feel like you were able to let go of them? What do you use instead?

A whole stack of stuff from what I wrote about above, to rereading David Burns, exercise, exercise with other people, working on social stuff, going to social stuff no matter how crappy I feel, going on and off anti anxiety medication under medical supervision lots and lots of practice, DBT, CBT, Mindfulness, diet changes, managing my disordered thinking, being honest, working on childhood trauma, finding safe social situations to go to like Trivia at the pub, managing my depression by working on the top ten distorted cognitions, disco dancing, other types of exercise, spending time with people who are good for me, reading self help books, reading neuroscience, reading the science behind different healing modalities, SuperBetter, the Frantic World book, going on and off anti depressants under medical supervision, The Mindful Way Through Depression, time with animals, time in nature, time volunteering to make the world a better place, Tai Chi, Chi Gong, Self Compassion, sleep hygiene, I participated in many challenges on this forum, Meditation, hugs, tactile contact with other human beings, working on not dissociating, working on depersonalisation, working on depersonalisation, etc, etc, etc working out basically my own Olympic training schedule - except I am not training to go to a sporting competition, I am training so I can have a life. I was chronically and profoundly depressed as a child due to the situation I lived in. I can really relate to where you are at and what you are feeling. Currently I am learning to knit and crochet as my psychiatrist says doing something like that will help me be aware if I am dissociating or not - that is still hard for me to work out at times.

"to ring?" - are you from Britain?

No I am in Australia.

I do have a therapist, two actually, one I've been working with for a little bit and another that I started EMDR with, but neither of them are really to deal with the depression. One keeps mentioning going on meds, but I've been really reluctant to do so. Beyond monetary concerns, I feel like if that was the only option why bother?

Don't knock medications, if it wasn't for medications I wouldn't be alive today. I could never have really got down to the nitty gritty of recovery and healing if I hadn't had medications. I was so depressed at one point that I could barely sit up.

No, I don't have a current suicide plan,

This is good news.

I think I just needed to know that it was an option and that I was prepared if I took it.

I lived there for a long time - that is a dangerous place to be - but one that comes from severe trauma.

I think my bigger problems are the not having plans and days just getting really bad.

Well that is fantastic insight. So you need a routine and some plans.

Being emotionally dysregulated is really hard going. I find it hard as well.

 

[The Albatross]

To move ahead on PTSD for me personally, the depressive aspect had to be dealt with to be able to get a more balanced perspective on everything else.

 

[erigby]

Wow...thank you all for this thread.
@Briellewannabe you are so not alone.
I struggle with SI as my go to coping mechanism, beginning at a very young age.
I am just now beginning to realize it...and understand it.
It can be so overpowering.
I have had several different plans. I have come very close to executing those plans.
It is excruciating pain you are experiencing.
I am so sorry you are in so much pain.
This forum has helped me. My therapist has saved me on numerous occasions, although to his unknowing.
I would encourage you to consider medication.
I was hesitant at first too...but I wanted to live. The medication I am currently on is helping tremendously but the SI is still there.
What the medication does is give me just enough space to talk myself through all the junk, to remind me to do something else, to come here and try to help others. It just helps clear some of the fog and darkness that come with severe depression.
The medication seems to help me wade through the yuck.
It all still hurts like hell...but it seems I can sit with the pain a little longer.
I wish there was a medication that could take away the SI.
I'm not sure there is. I think SI is a pattern of thought I need to work to change.
With therapy I am hoping this will happen.
I hope this helps.

 

[Briellewannabe]

A whole stack of stuff from what I wrote about above

Wow... that seems like so much work. I can't even comprehend. I really do appreciate you sharing all this, and I'm sorry you've dealt with that you have in your life. That must really suck. I am curious why or how you were able to decide it was worth it to put in that much effort while you were depressed. Like, did life even seem worth it? Did you have someone/something keeping you going? That seems overwhelming to me.

No I am in Australia

Apologies. I noticed the flag right after I posted.

Don't knock medications, if it wasn't for medications I wouldn't be alive today

I'm trying not to "knock" meds... I've looked into seeing a psychiatrist, but there's many problems with my insurance, or lack thereof, so it's not really affordable right now. I did this after I had a super bad flu and I was taking so much drugs and sleeping so much that after that sickness was over I realized I hadn't really thought about my depression, it hadn't affected me that weekend... I decided I should probably look into it, but now I think it's been enough time that I'm pulling away from the idea again. I'm trying to remember my more rational side, but emotions are winning. I'll possibly look into it again.

So you need a routine and some plans

I've kinda avoided routines and plans, because I have this thing where I react really badly if they get messed up. I don't know why. I can be with my boyfriend and we planned on going to dinner, and then someone calls and invites us over, and I like these people, but now the plan of going to a specific restaurant is ruined and we go to a friends place. I start freaking out and crying. It happens all the time and I have little control over my emotions. It doesn't matter how big or small the plans were, I react the same, even with little interference. So I stay away from plans and schedules, in case they don't work, because it makes my day harder when they don't. Maybe I just need to get better at that.

 

[Briellewannabe]

To move ahead on PTSD for me personally, the depressive aspect had to be dealt with to be able to...

Thanks for the share. I'm starting to realize that, but I'm not sure how to take on the depressive aspect at the moment. Is this something you did?

 

[Briellewannabe]

Wow...thank you all for this thread.
@Briellewannabe you are so not alone.
I struggle...

Thank you for your post. I'm glad medication is working for you, and I totally get the SI being part of coping skills and for me decades of thinking patterns. I'm not sure if that'll ever go away from me either. Medication makes sense, but I think for me it'd have there'd have to be a day where I was feeling particularly good or rational in order for me to seek it, because most of the time I don't want things to get better, I just want things to be over.

I appreciate all of your guy's posts, I really do. I know I may sound really negative right now, but I'm trying to be open-minded, and your words and thoughts are things I will continue to think about.

 

[The Albatross]

Yes, it is something that I did... and redo as necessary but the time in a depressed state, depth of it, the distance between episodes just keeps getting better.

 

[ms spock]

My list feeling overwhelming is quite reasonable. I didn't do it all at once. I started with 5 minutes three times per day and built up over time. Some times all I could manage was 1 minute three times per day.