Expressing My Needs - Why Bother?!

[barefoot]

I often have difficulty 1) knowing what I need and 2) expressing my needs to others. I know that plenty of people here share those challenges. It's something I've been working on with my therapist. I thought that I've been making some progress with it.

At the moment though I find myself thinking, why bother?

Oftentimes, my "needs" are just nice to haves. They are not fundamental, crucial, must haves or the world will end.
Example 1 - I would have liked to have had a quick phone call with my therapist last week to touch base before heading into a potentially long therapy break due to a surgery.
Example 2 - I would have liked to have had some kind of pre-med/sedative when I got to the hospital to help me manage my anxiety.
Example 3 - I would have liked the medical staff to be mindful of my anxiety and try to do things to help me reduce it so, for instance, letting me know what they're going to do and where they're going to touch me before they do it.

I asked for all these things - and it was difficult to ask because I felt silly and needy and embarrassed. But I asked. And asking felt like some kind of achievement.

But then, having asked, I didn't get.

And I guess I'm thinking - I'm being encouraged to ask for what I need but what I need doesn't take priority over someone else's needs/boundaries/life. So, I can ask my therapist for a call and she has every right to say she can't. So, by asking, I am always therefore potentially setting myself up for disappointment. And maybe learning to be able to deal with the disappointment of not having needs met is as important to the work as expressing the needs?

More importantly, the stuff to do with the doctors/hospital...that kind of expressing needs and setting boundaries was supposed to make for a positive, empowered, healing experience. And it wasn't. Instead, it took me straight back to the kind of situation I wanted to avoid ever happening again - where I felt helpless, disempowered, humiliated and frightened. It seems there is no value in asking for what you need/setting boundaries if they are going to be wilfully ignored, dismissed, trampled on, forgotten about. I would have been better off saying nothing - asking for nothing - than expressing those things and having someone act with such disregard.

If my needs don't matter to other people, what is supposed to be so empowering about me expressing them and asking?

 

[Ronin]

Oftentimes, my "needs" are just nice to haves.

I'm at the point of learning to cherish preferences and 'nice's', & use them AS needs.

Because needs, needs I learned to ignore & sideline to the point of self destruction.
Small shinies that make me ridiculously glad to be alive & around? No, we're not sidelining that.

They're the little rays of sun in an incredibly cloudy weather.

So, don't dismiss them, either way. They can have their use, in the absence of dealing with 'basics'.

 

[Sideways]

Like most things, I'm not sure that needs vs wants is that black and white - seems like more of a continuum situation where most things are somewhere in between. My needs might also change a little when I start trying to accommodate my needs against what the people around me need. It's not usually a situation of "feed me water right now or I keel over". Maybe I need water, but maybe it can wait till the lovely nurse brings me a jug, or takes my pulse first, or sees to another emergency, or...

Like, not wanting to be touched by medical staff without being given the heads up first. Don't need that to stay alive in any literal sense. But maybe we kind of do need that to keep ourselves in a reasonable headspace. How much do I need that reasonable headspace? I actually don't need to be in a happy state of nirvana 100% of the time, but if I'm compromising that, I may need to make some changes to my situation and how I'm coping, and the complete opposite of happy-headspace isn't okay all the time either. Complicated.

So then we start practicing, like you have, letting others know "This is what I need - I need you to give me the heads up if you're about to touch me." And you're right - we can't control their response.

But a couple of perks come out of the fact that you asked. In a lot of situations (unfortunately not this one), even if a person can't meet your need/want/other they might be able to offer a compromise, or at leasf give you the heads up "Nope, sorry, not gonna do that". That's communication - that's how situations get improved for both parties. With zero communication at all? Life stays shite.

The other thing that practicing this stuff does, is it helps make it matter. To me . To you. To people who are used to their needs being ignored or abused. To people who have been taught through trauma that their needs don't count for zip. Every time we say, "This is what I want...This is what I need...", we are retraining our brain that actually, I do matter, and looking out for me is not only okay, but sometimes makes my life better.

That second one, for me at least, is far more important to my recovery than the first one.

 

[barefoot]

Agree @Ronin that nice to haves can still be important.

But if other people ignore them anyway? What's the point? What's the point in me saying them? It feels worse to ask and then have it ignored/dismissed/discounted than to have not expressed it at all.

It just feels more shameful to have asked. Like, I shouldn't have asked because it doesn't really matter.

The world didn't end because I didn't have a call with my therapist - I just felt disappointed. The world didn't end because I didn't have a pre-med - I just felt anxious. The world didn't end because the doctor didn't handle things sensitively and didn't explain what was happening - I just felt scared and humiliated.

And if the world didn't end, it was manageable. So I can't have needed it that much anyway. So it can't have been very important. So I shouldn't have asked for it in the first place.

 

[barefoot]

Every time we say, "This is what I want...This is what I need...", we are retraining our brain that actually, I do matter,

For this to work, doesn't it have to be that I somehow get what I need/want? Or at least a compromised version of it? Otherwise people ignoring /dismissing just reinforces that what I want doesn't matter? Because I don't matter?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Your needs and wants may not matter to other people, but they are YOUR needs and YOUR wants, so they are important for/to you. Don't stop asking for what you need and want! Sometimes banging on that door is what's needed for someone to finally answer it!!!!

 

[Sandstone]

Is there something about accountability and where blame sits? If your needs are not met because you didn't ask, then you are responsible for that. If someone else chooses not to comply with your request, then blame sits with them. That brings us to a big part of the work for many with dodgy childhoods. It feels much easier and more comfortable to take all the responsibility back on ourselves, and make ourselves at fault for asking at all.

 

[Friday]

Love what's been stated so far.

I would add..

1. Yep! Dialoging about wants & coping with the negotiations? Very. Very. Useful. In some cases that dealing with disappointment. In other cases, that's skipping disappointment altogether. In all cases it's learning that none of it (whether you get what you want or not) means that YOU don't matter. If your head is still going > I didn't get what I want > I don't matter? Keep doing it. Keep practicing. Because getting what you want doesn't mean that you matter, and not getting what you want doesn't mean you don't matter. How much you matter has absolutely nothing to do with what you want or get. You might want to talk about that link in therapy. Where it came from, and how to sever it. If it helps? Pick something that seems silly to you and "link" it to mattering. Like, if I'm not an Olympic level athlete I don't matter. Or "If I'm not Japanese I don't matter." See the :bored:? in either of those 2 statements? (Which, by the way, are 2 of my actual links to mattering.) same with getting what you want. It's a link that doesn't belong.

2. I ASK for what I want. Any time I ask for anything? No is always an okay answer. If no isn't okay? Then I'm not asking.

I TELL what I need (and am ready to do battle over it). There is absolutely no question about needs. This is what I need, period. No negotiation. No asking. No being told no. This is happening. Full stop. Someone tries to ignore that? They're going to find out right quick I don't play. I'm doing them a courtesy by telling/warning. That's all. Lead, follow, or get the hell out of my way... Because -again- this is happening.

3. (Adding to the chorus) Having wants? Is f*cking awesome. Learning to be assertive about them, learning to stand up for yourself, learning to present the option to allow others to assist if possible? All really, really good things.

 

[scout86]

I think those are excellent questions.The last time I had to go to the doctor, it was a pretty minor deal, but was handled as you've described. Spent a whole session discussing, "what did I do wrong?/what could I have done better?" He had some ideas, but said he's had similar experiences with the medical profession and doesn't like going to doctor either.

We didn't talk about, "why should I bother expressing needs?". I think the answer might be because, if you never express them, you can be sure they won't be met or acknowledged. If you express them, you at least have a chance. I kind of got hung up on "What am I doing wrong?" (Because, if there's something wrong here, it had to be me, doesn't it?")

I don't have an answer for you, but I think it's a great question.

 

[Ronin]

Otherwise people ignoring /dismissing just reinforces that what I want doesn't matter?

I know of only one way to overcome that one - because otherwise it's going to be dropping you bit by bit until there's nothing to take & beyond.

Get mad. Get mad about every of those bits they treat you that way. Get mad and don't stop being mad.

Anger can be self value & Drive when they're just not there and not doable.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Such great advice. I now find it more bothersome to allow myself to be treated in any way that doesn't healthily nurture me or somehow enrich my life, or at the very least not harm me any further, especially if it's a service I'm paying for and/or is health related. Painful yet incredibly valuable lessons helped me build up my advocacy muscles.

I learned that I absolutely must bother about it if I wish to experience a quality of life where I can more smoothly function. If I don't, there's certainly no one else waiting in the wings to do it for me, that's for sure.

I used to feel guilty/burdened about asking for things to be the way I truly needed them to be, as if I were inconveniencing service providers and loved ones. I was always taught to just sit still, be quiet, and let the nice people do their jobs/help me out/be there for me, etc. and be damn thankful they even have time for me.

And much like you, if they didn't do as I asked, I'd often not bother to bring it back up, thinking wtf is the use in spending more energy where it felt like it obviously didn't make a damn to them. I didn't realize I was steadily teaching them how to treat me.

I would fight like hell for others, both professionally and personally, but when it came to self, I'd often choose the path of least resistance just to get things done and over with already, rarely speaking up for self, as I was too busy exhausting myself helping others.

But something finally snapped into place and it was no longer okay to let myself be treated that way and things shifted. Shift happens. Hang in there and learn to be your own best advocate. It might not feel like it in the moment, but you deserve to have your needs met.

 

[Suzetig]

What others have said, recognising your needs (which for me are non-negotiable - either need is met or I take myself out of the situation) and your wants (which for me is anything that makes life better/more comfortable) is a skill I'm still learning.

For me it's important because I was taught to want and need as little as possible so very basic needs for care went unmet. So as an adult I've struggled to meet my own basic needs for care. Asking others, expressing my needs means I matter to me, and that's what's important. I haven't always mattered to me.

And yes, sometimes I'm disappointed when I don't get what I hope for, sometimes my request has been the wrong thing from the wrong person, sometimes there's been another option I didn't know about and sometimes I get what I've asked for. All are ok outcomes and not dependant on me being worthy and deserving but rely on what can be done at the time by the people I'm asking.

In short, I express my wants and needs to be seen and heard, because I matter. The response is out of my hands.