I Feel Like I'm Stuck In The Corner Of The Room And There's No Escape

[Oje]

To put this bluntly, I feel suicidal. I want to disappear. I want everything to stop, but at the same time I really want to live. I want to live for someone because I want to see them be happy and enjoying life. I feel so stuck and I don't know what to do. I can't just leave them, but it feels so unbearable to stay. I know the "right thing to say" is that I should just keep myself alive. But this feels like hell. I don't want to be here but I can't just leave..

 

[Deri]

Hey.
I'm really sorry you're going through this, and in so much pain right now. I've been there, too. Do you want to talk about how your feeling? I'm here, listening.

 

[Oje]

Hey.
I'm really sorry you're going through this, and in so much pain right now. I've been there, too. Do you want t...

I've been depressed and suicidal for some time now. Last month I wrote a note to this person, but I snapped out of this when I saw my friend feeling sad and getting stressed. Now I'm back to it. I realize how badly my disappearance would affect her. I feel so split. I'd do anything to make her happy even if it meant I live through eternal hell and suffering of any kind. I know my disappearance will ruin her and make her unable to function, but at the same time I know she has a good support system. I'm just waiting until I'm 200% sure there is someone she knows that loves her as much as I do and will be just as dedicated to her as I. Once she meets someone like that, someone able to care for her once I leave, then I will.

But right now I just feel stuck because I know I can't just leave her like this. I'm in so much pain and I feel so alone. I feel selfish for feeling like this and I wish I could help my friend. There's so much going on that it feels like it's overflowing and I'm barely grabbing on to whatever scraps are here just to stay for my friend. I feel so drained and I know maybe stepping back to care for myself may be good but I can't leave my friend either. I'm so conflicted and my thoughts are not organized.

 

[Acefon]

Stepping back and caring for yourself is not selfish at all, and I think it is a good idea. What kind of self care are you thinking of?
Your friend sounds wonderful, and I"m glad you have such a good friend. But I think she needs you to help yourself right now. Thank you for speaking up about this, it's good to talk about it.