Panicking In Hell

[David Ferdinand]

I'm a male in my 30's. Diagnosed with c-ptsd, severe anxiety and paranoid features, as well as depression. I had a violent alcoholic dad who beat mom regularly in front of me. He had outbursts of rage. I can't remember much from my childhood, only fragments. My therapist says I was sexually abused as well even though I can't remember.

Moved back home 2 years ago because I couldn't handle living on my own. Was with a great woman for years but she left me and after about a year I started having very intense panic attacks and had to move home. I didn't end up in the hospital this time thank God. My brother had to fly out to my apartment and help me pack and move because I couldn't function.

I have close relationship with mother and brother but sometimes i feel that relationship hurts me more than help me in a codependent way. I feel I'm addicted to them. I pull them in and then I push them away, i'm confused about what relationships are.

These last few days I have been having panic attacks again. I don't know what it is but I feel oppressed to the point I can't breath and no one gives hoot so I freak out, I scream, shout, punch walls, hit myself on the head hard, then finally take Klonopin to calm down. I'm stressed out of my mind, and i have a sense of fear that takes over my body. Like something is going to happen, something horrible. Its not a nervousness, it is rampant fear I can feel in my back and neck, something undescribable, like a horror movie inside my head.

I've also been feeling presences around me which sometimes talk to me, they are not hallucinations, but I can feel them. Its like an intuition of their presence, i don't see them, and I don't hear them either. its like an understanding of what these presences are trying to tell me. Some are supportive, some are nasty cruel, some are lovely, some are aloof. Some are aggressive and some are nice. But I feel they are trying to help me, I'm just to stupid or fearful to do something. There is something I'm not doing right, and hence I'm in hell because its my own damn fault and I'm a wuss for not being able to do these things I don't understand in the first place. I feel f-ing crazy.

These last few days I have been having a really hard time doing simple things like taking a shower.
Also having intense nightmares. I feel I'm in hell and the pastor at my church today told me i was in hell, not directly but it felt he was talking to me.

I cant do anything by myself, and what the hell am I gonna do when my parents die. I have a hard time keeping my head straight to read an email, so i've been miserable and unable to focus at work. I'm nervous I'll get fired.
I'm nervous about everything.
I promise to write something more positive in the future.
Thanks for reading.
Love
me

 

[Flip flop]

I'm a male in my 30's. Diagnosed with c-ptsd, severe anxiety and paranoid features, as well as...

When did you last check in with your therapist or psychiatrist? That might be beneficial if it's been a while, esp. based on the things you have written that you are experiencing.

Disclaimer: the above remarks on my part are in no way intended as medical advice.

 

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

Hello,
Please know that you are not alone. PTSD is a very real illness and it manifests itself in terrifying ways. I am a survivor of childhood abuse as well. My panic attacks used to completely disable me too, and I really relate to the impending doom feeling. I used to feel like everyone I cared about and who loved me was going to die. For me, having a really good and trained Cognative Behavioral Therapist therapist as well as a psychiatrist have helped me immeasurably. My therapist taught me how to function, keep a job, pay my bills, and the Lexapro I take daily is a game changer. Now I have the ability to be stable with day to day stuff and since I've been able to make close friends in the last few years I have a support system now that helps me through really tough times. When you have panic attacks regardless of the trigger, know this- your body is releasing huge amounts chemicals that your brain can't handle, thus panic, terror etc.. My current partner has combat related PTSD too and it's tough. He is working with a therapist too so I've had PTSD messing with every aspect of my life. Please try to reach out and find a qualified therapist near you- just google PTSD therapy specialists in your area. Then make the call. And then get yourself there. The rest will follow. I wish you peace and healing. You are not alone.❤

 

[Llith]

That really is a shit day (/days) you have described there.

I agree with @Flip flop and @LoveMyNavyChief! if you haven't see a therapist recently it would most likely be worth it, just knowing that its not all in your head and you can tell someone is a good thing. Other than that are you on any other medication? seeing/hearing things isn't fun and may be a sign you need to visit the doctors. Though have you been having enough sleep? If any? I personally get auditory hallucinations from lack of sleep.

You are not completely insane, sometimes your brain just does funny things to cope with processing trauma. *hugs* though I hope it gets a bit better soon!

 

[David Ferdinand]

Thanks people I have been seeing a therapist for a while, as well as a psychiatrist.
Appreciate the comments

 

[LoveMyNavyChief!]

Stay strong!