Childhood Possible Trauma While Baby, Possible/worth Finding Out? Seems It Is Worth It, If It's Possible

[BoP]

Hello,

Could really do with some advice/help please.

The absolute short version: Is it possible to find out if you’ve got PTSD (caused by experience when baby so can’t remember properly/normally)? And given not dwelling on the past is a good idea, is finding that out a good idea? Even though it’s contradictory to not dwelling on the past, it feels like it is a very good idea, as making it conscious, bringing it out into the open, will help do-power it?

I think I may have experienced something when I was a baby but can’t remember properly (probably neglect, plus possibly one instance of violence on mother, possibly psychological negativity/put down, subtle but nonetheless, then, if any of that’s correct, ongoing collusion, manipulation and coverup). And for the last 20 years, I’ve had people, relationship and therefore also work problems, especially living with people, house shares, and now parents. Few problems before that, but my first proper job, about 20 years ago, went really, really badly. Seemed to boil down to my relationship with my female boss (a female in authority over me), plus it was a “creative” job, in reality it wasn’t, it was a production position, but creative is how it was advertised, talked about, and wanted by me. Ever since then, not good. Before then some odd smaller problems. Eg hands shaking a lot during some meals with family… … Anyway, a whole bunch of probs. Now I don’t have a job, no friends, live with my parents. Oh, and zero romantic relationship ever with any female (pretty sure I'm not gay).

I can’t remember if something happened when I was a baby. There’s a good number of pointers towards that, but if so, my mother’s pretty righteously not admitting (covering up) that, not that I’ve asked. It’s like I’ve got some basic, in my body or subconscious, memory.

I constantly feel conned by my mother, and father, but especially mother. She started to regularly lie in small ways about stuff I’ve done and/or sound completely fake/false to me. She’s a serious complier. What I describe as a brownie points kind of person.

I know I used to cry excessively when I was a baby. Much more than most, apparently. My father may have been the trigger of that problem (nasty bad look to me, right at the start maybe). He’s always had a problem with new (eg there’s a pattern of locking up and beating, not excessively, new pet dogs, under the guise of punishment for something but that was BS, it was more something he’s just compelled to do to assert power, and then after that, fine, once power asserted). Anyway, given excessive crying for whatever reason, then neglect is strongly possible. I don’t know where it’s come from but I’ve got the idea of them leaving the radio on in another room. There’s been a few other vague hints that that happened. I’ve also got an ongoing recurring very strong feeling of injustice: namely of being blamed for the very thing *they* caused. Then further to possible neglect, a possible single moment of violence by father, could have been on my mother (most likely) (I have had a weird vague memory of a face with blood on, but it’s so vague it’s ridiculous, it could be something form a horror movie or something), or the violence could have been just smashing stuff up, or on me, but that’s probably very unlikely.


So the main conflict I’m struggling with conceptually right now is: On one hand (having read some Syd Banks’ Three Principles stuff, if you’re not familiar with that I won’t go into it at all but just to say the following which is put across very well in it) I’m really into the idea of not dwelling on the past, realising it’s the past (ie brought to mind by thought) and treating it accordingly, not giving it much weight, something from the past and not who or what you are now. And on the other hand, because I don’t properly remember the trauma, if it even happened, it’s totally subconscious. I’ve got this strong urge to remember, to dig it up, to find out if I am suffering from PTSD or not, to find out if that’s the source of my problems. It’s a like a niggling problem (eg a hard crossword puzzle with a large cash prize). So I’m wondering:

1 is there anyway to find out somehow if you’ve got PTSD from experience from when you were a baby?
2 is it of value to do so? To do so seems contradictory to not dwelling on your past, but, I can’t help feel bring it out, up, de-subconciousnessing it, would help greatly in doing just that. While it remains subconscious does it have more power? It feels that that might be the case?

It seems like a contradiction to dredge up the past, in order to not dwell on it, but that seems actually correct.

I did read a book on how advertising works (in people’s minds). Near the end, to back up the author’s theory, he described two ways to avoid being effected by advertising. 1 avoid it absolutely entirely (eg desert island!), 2 give it your full attention rather than let it wash over you in the background, subconsciously. It was getting into your mind subconsciously was how it gained power, according the author’s theory. It could then bubble up and affect your thought/behaviour later on without you really realising why.

From that, it seems that subconscious things do have more power than conscious. It’s quite a common bit of wisdom isn’t it?: things which are hidden, when brought out into the open, are depowered. I’m thinking of bullies/bullying for example.

Things bubbling up and effecting me, without me knowing why, seems to be what I’ve suffered from. I started reading Complex PTSD by Pete Walker and early on that describes emotional flashbacks (that was the first thing that made me think I might be suffering form PTSD). That seems to fit what I’ve experienced, the source of my problems, but I don’t know.

Any thoughts/help, much appreciated. Thanks.

 

[BoP]

One more issue: I'm 90% sure they medicated me surreptitiously a while ago. Pretty sure it was father driven and mother actually wasn't happy about it. So it was brief. That sounds terrible doesn't it? It is, I suppose. I could be wrong though, but I don't think so.

 

[GwenDR]

Only a therapist or psychiatrist can tell you if you have PTSD. Are you able to go to one? Regardless of diagnosis, I think it'd be a very good idea to do so.

As for dwelling vs exploring, the idea of examining your feelings closely, allowing them to happen and do what they need to is an effective strategy for many people. "Not dwelling on it" is like trying not to think of elephants. Looking at it head on and acknowledging it, however, allows it to happen in a controlled manner. So I think you're on to something.

Do you mean they gave you medicine without telling you? Why do you think that happened? And what kind of medication do you mean?

 

[Kintsugi]

You aren't describing any PTSD symptoms, and you are unsure if you have Criterion A trauma, so I think you are unlikely to have PTSD or get that diagnosis.

On the other hand, it sounds like you're genuinely struggling with relationship dynamics that likely originated with your parents. So I encourage you to seek help.

Good luck.

 

[Casey_03]

I think it would be a very bad idea to try to remember something that happened while you were a baby -- especially since you already seem convinced that something did, which means any memories you "recover" are likely to be false.

I'm wondering why you are so set on that time period? And why you think it's specifically PTSD? Neglect by parents can lead to a whole bunch of different mental health issues, and a lot of what you describe can be caused by severe anxiety.

 

[BoP]

Thanks for the replies.

Only a therapist or psychiatrist can tell you if you have PTSD. Are you able to go to one? Regardless of Diagnosis, I think it'd be a very good idea to do so.

I’ve just started, had an an initial assessment last week and I have the follow up one in a couple of weeks time. But PTSD is not at all their thing I was told. This therapy is from the NHS (UK). In the follow up they’re going to tell me what they suggest. I got the impression, because they’re not PTSD geared, they’re going to suggest therapy for relationships. There was also the possibility of them referring me to something/someone else; but I suspect that won’t happen, unless maybe I really push for it. If it is a PTSD thing I have, I’m wondering if relationship therapy is going to be a good idea or not as, if PTSD is going on here, then it’s just treating the symptom without getting at the cause. I don’t know though. Because this PTSD thing makes a lot of sense to me at the moment, really feels like I’m onto something, I’d really like to get to the bottom of it one way or another.

Do you mean they gave you medicine without telling you? Why do you think that happened? And what kind of medication do you mean?

Yes. A bunch of circumstantial stuff which really points to that happening. Kind: don’t know but some sort suppression type stuff I guess. Probably not prescription-required stuff, but possibly. They were seeing a doctor about me. The doctor wouldn’t have prescribed anything, as that’d be illegal, but possibly suggested something. And there was a good few subtle, and actually not so subtle, signs that that they were doing that for a brief period of time. Things said and done by parents, and for a while just after that, I was peeing like an idiot, kept needing to. It really does look like that’s what they were doing, but I’m not sure. As I said, about 90% sure.

You aren't describing any PTSD symptoms, and you are unsure if you have Criterion A trauma, so I think you are unlikely to have PTSD or get that diagnosis

When I started reading the Complex PTSD book and as soon as it started talking about emotional flashbacks, I thought that sounds like what I’ve experienced (especially in the first proper job with female boss which is where things really started to go wrong), although I haven’t read much of that book yet. Also a bunch of things my parents have said/done in the past back up, possibly, the PTSD possibility. I didn’t describe actually what happened in my first job between me and my boss, bit tricky to, but it does seem to fit emotional flashbacks as described. But I’m not sure.

I think it would be a very bad idea to try to remember something that happened while you were a baby -- especially since you already seem convinced that something did, which means any memories you "recover" are likely to be false.

One thing the therapist who I saw just recently said, she felt some memories are in the body. When she said that, I just nodded my head but to be honest at the time I thought it was a bit silly. But actually, it is like that. That’s how this/these memories feel. They’re there, but not at all like a normal memory, deeper more physical. So memories are not at all a black or white thing are they?; they’re not like you either remember or you don’t. Eg I flinch, in quite a deep physical way, at some people. Reject them outright for no apparent reason. Immediately. Like a knee jerk reaction.

Re “especially since you already seem convinced that something did”. I’m not at all convinced of that. I’m convinced I’ve had and have problems, quite a few throughout my life, and when I read about the PTSD thing (I didn’t even know what that was really until just recently), that naturally explains things and linked it all together and made sense. Things slotted together. Plus more recent things line up and fall into place, if PTSD is what I’ve got. From that, I’m not saying something definitely happened when I was a baby, but it darn well makes a lot of sense to me and explains a lot of things. It’s at least a possibility, and from my perspective I’d have to say it’s a strong possibility - that’s my feeling. Confirming or negating that one way or another would be a good thing I reckon.

One thing I’ve been doing more recently is having blackouts (slightly, how I imagine it to be, epilepsy like). Not passing out blackouts but brief periods where presumably I freeze, but from my perspective, I remember nothing. This happened (I’m almost 100% sure, in fact I am absolutely sure really, it’s just that I don’t consciously remember it, but of course by its nature of what I’m describing I wouldn’t) when I went into a class/workshop (business related) thing a few months ago, into a room of new people who had started a little bit early. I think these blackouts last about, maybe, 10 seconds. I can imagine that being a PTSD symptom?

I’m wondering why you are so set on that time period?

Well, because if something did happen, that’s when it happened. If it was later, I’d remember, know. Also, all the things which point to something happen point to that very clearly. If something happened, that’s when it did. So it’s not a question of when, it’s a question of whether. I have a memory of my mother manipulating my memory about what happened at the age of three as we were moving from that house (words along the lines of, you don't remember do you?). Putting together a whole lot of small subtle things, and general observations, and facts, suggests that. For one thing, they way my father is about new things, newness. He’s got a fairly major problem with that I think. Also his control and tempers. The way my mother complies with him. The collusion. The way my mother is constantly over clingy now, over concerned in a controlly way.

And why you think it's specifically PTSD?

When starting to read the Complex PTSD book it seemed to fit. I know very little about PTSD. It’s just that, right now with what little I do know about it, it fits. I’m casting about, have been for quite a while, and this is the best fit so far.

Neglect by parents can lead to a whole bunch of different mental health issues, and a lot of what you describe can be caused by severe Anxiety.

Right, OK. I was surprised to learn that neglect can lead to PTSD (on the face of it, neglect doesn't or didn't seem that bad to me). I do think possibly what I experienced, there was a bit more than just simply neglect.

There’s definitely a collusion thing going on with my parents. I am also aware of a particular nastyness my father has, inwardly (inwardly in terms of family, as opposed to outwardly to other people outside family). A controllyness. And as I mentioned, his problem with new things. Plus my mother’s compliance to him is ridiculous. So neglect plus some psychological nastiness seems quite possible to me.

The whole thing isn’t severe though. It’s all quite subtle. But then if I was neglected for prolonged amounts of time, that’s not so subtle. And the problems I now have aren’t so subtle.

Thanks again for your replies.

 

[BoP]

Just to add to this bit:

"… Plus my mother’s compliance to him is ridiculous. So neglect plus some psychological nastiness seems quite possible to me.

The whole thing isn’t severe though. It’s all quite subtle. …"

I do also have a vague feeling of a possible one off event/explosion of violence, possibly from father to mother.

 

[Fadeaway]

You are clearly struggling emotionally and and seeking answers and explanations.

Respectfully, the passages you have quoted do not relate to your situation as you have described it. The first passage is not referring to a single incident as an infant but a chronic situation during different stages of childhood development.

You might have an attachment disorder or anxiety disorder, there are so many possibilities, none of us really know, but we can safely say that so far you have not mentioned any of the requirements for being diagnosed with PTSD or CPTSD.

My personal non professional opinion, as I am not one, is that you are trying very had to make a diagnosis fit that doesn't. I don't blame you at all, when we are suffering we want answers. Who knows, it might turn out that a professions does decide you have PTSD, but in order to get the proper treatment you need the correct diagnosis.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Please keep an open mind. Try not to diagnose yourself. Not everyone who experiences trauma goes on to have ptsd but everyone with ptsd has experienced trauma. What you're describing doesn't sound like ptsd. Some symptoms can over lap with other disorders. Like dissociative symptoms and borderline personality, or intrusive thoughts and OCD and so on. This is why people are misdiagnosed all the time. It is an art rather than science.

If you go in for a psychiatric evaluation and are sure you have something you may mistakenly neglect to mention some other symptoms because you don't think they are relevant. Everything is relevant. I think it's best to stop with the research on what diagnoses it is and start with coping skills/tools research.

An NHS CBT course is a really great place to start ptsd or no. I'd put down surviving to thriving and pick up "feeling good new mood journal"- david burns. Coping skills this is the foundation of everything mental health issue related in my honest opinion. Check out self care, grounding and maybe even mindfulness.

Just opinions I'm not a professional.

 

[joeylittle]

I’m convinced I’ve had and have problems, quite a few throughout my life, and when I read about the PTSD thing (I didn’t even know what that was really until just recently), that naturally explains things and linked it all together and made sense. Things slotted together.

I can understand how this would be your perspective. The challenge is - PTSD carries a broad range of potential symptom sets. In other words, a few different diagnoses can look like PTSD, without being PTSD. It's why the presence of Criterion A (the trauma) is one of the essential aspects to a diagnosis. LIke this, for example:

I think these blackouts last about, maybe, 10 seconds. I can imagine that being a PTSD symptom?

They can be. You also are describing absence seizures, which are not a symptom of PTSD. In other words, you need to get that evaluated medically and not simply assume it's dissociation because you are looking through the lens of a PTSD diagnosis. The difference is pretty simple; seizures are caused by electrical activity in the brain, and dissociative episodes are not. This can be tested - and should be, because something else that's true about PTSD is that the symptoms must not be explained by another cause.

You clearly have a lot of mistrust, bordering on paranoia, around your parents. Paranoia doesn't mean that something didn't happen - but you are really scrutinizing early memories in a way that could turn obsessive. This may be indicative of an unremembered trauma that is somewhere in there; it may also be indicative of an attachment disorder. Or something else.

If it is a PTSD thing I have, I’m wondering if relationship therapy is going to be a good idea or not as, if PTSD is going on here, then it’s just treating the symptom without getting at the cause. I don’t know though. Because this PTSD thing makes a lot of sense to me at the moment, really feels like I’m onto something, I’d really like to get to the bottom of it one way or another.

I don't think it will do you any damage to have your first foray into therapy be fundamentally oriented towards talking about your upbringing, your feelings about your parents, how those may influence your current relationships, etc. Trauma therapy can't be gone into until a person has stabilized, anyway; and there are many basic mental health principles that will be helpful to you long-term regardless of what your diagnosis settles as. In other words, it's not going to be a waste of time, and will allow events to unfold in a more organic way.

 

[GwenDR]

I understand the how it can "feel right." PTSD "feels right" for my situation, too. Thing is that feeling right isn't anywhere on the list of diagnostic criterion, nor should it be. I can point to specific trauma at 4, draw a link between it an a lot of problems throughout my life. I've had an absolutely horrific experience while in the Navy. The navy period, however, does not meet criterion A no matter how much it impacted me. I have major anxiety and panic, and almost certainly have some kind of anxiety or stress disorder. But the funny thing about anxiety is that it makes you anxious, you worry. And I worry about my diagnosis, it makes me keep thinking, over and over, what have I got? My feeling that I probably have PTSD is probably itself a symptom of anxiety.

If I were you, I'd give the therapy some time. See where it goes, and what, if anything, is resolved. I'd give the relationship therapy a chance: don't assume it won't work. Let your doctors do their jobs instead of assuming they can't, because they don't specialize in the one thing you're sure it is. If it reaches a point where you clearly need to be referred to whatever specialize, I'm sure you will be.

Therapy and healing take a long time. You're not going to get answers your first session. Let it take its course.

 

[BoP]

OK, thanks.

OK, I don’t really know what PTSD is. I don’t care about it actually. Forget it. What I do care about is (a) numerous unexplained badness occurring in me at a much deeper than normal thought level, which is unlikely to have occurred and occur for no reason which has continued to effect my life on an ongoing basis since, then fairly recently (b) a strong gut feeling developing/welling up over getting on for a year, based on a bunch of things coming together including recent and long past experiences of behaviour of parents, of something (maybe not that serious an event at all, but with parents' cover up and collusion, that makes it much worse) happened in first years. I’m not in the habit of coming up with such thoughts. It’s not something I’ve just blurted out after coming up with it yesterday. It is recent-ish, but then it’s also been slowly developing.

Am definitely going to carry on with the therapy for sure, just to see what happens. Can't harm.