D
Dexxy
About a few weeks ago I finally came to terms with what's been done to me.
I've been physically, emotionally/pscyhologically abused, and manipulated, but I couldn't bring myself to admit that I've been sexually abused too.
I thought sexual abuse was something really bad that I never experienced because I wasn't deserving of something so bad, if that makes sense?
It took me a very long time to accept I was even being abused and almost for the same reason. I thought it was normal. I also thought that abuse was some big terrible thing, even though I, myself, would be walking with a limp covered in bruises and bloody knuckles and lips. I'd just walk it off thinking, "I was in the wrong. I shouldn't have done that. They're doing it because they love me."
Well about a month ago I remembered more detail of my childhood and I think I've gotten most, if not, all of my memories of the repeated events.
[About to get graphic]
I remember the very first time I was young. Maybe 3rd or 4th grade. My dad walked up behind me while I was bending down to pick up the trash and he simply patted my bum. Then next time he slapped it, not out of anger. I thought nothing of it. He didn't do anything after a while, but then I remember one night while I was taking a shower he unlocked my door to talk to me and took his time to leave. He also would teasingly say, "You don't want your dad to give you a bath anymore?"
I don't know how old I was but I remember when he progressed to stroking me for a few seconds as he'd pass by. Then when I got older he started making comments of my breasts. He'd say they were "filling in nicely."
It wasn't just my dad, my mom was the same way. She'd say it was okay because she was my mother. She was worse, I think. She would threaten me and tell me to strip in front of her so that she can check my body everywhere and make sure I was healthy or something. I remember she did this even when I was in 6th grade and eventually 7th. She would tell me to lie on the bed after I took my clothes off.. at first she would "just check." But then she started giving me a "hands on lesson" about sex-ed. She would say, "You won't learn until it bites you in the butt so I'm showing you now what can happen if you're not careful. I'm doing this because I'm your mother. It's because I love you."
She has long nails that are like.. added on top of her regular nails. The fake extension ones or whatever they're called. I remember the feeling of her nails inside me and I feel so disgusted with myself. About everything. I hate that I let them do that to me. I feel too ashamed to tell anyone about it.
Sometimes she'd have me in the room to do that when she was upset, but most of the time it was meant for "bonding time."
For a while my dad would stay out of it, but he eventually joined in too. They were both very upset with me as I got older and was in 8th grade. Especially freshman and sophomore year of high school.
I knew what they were doing wasn't quite right but I couldn't bring myself to say anything.
Anyways. A sort of similar thing happened in freshman year of high school. A classmate of mine. I remember in one of our classes together she would sit next to me and rest her hand on my upper thigh. I don't remember much about our time together but according to an old classmate of mine, during summer school my classmate would touch me in ways that hinted toward sexual behaviours and I thought nothing of it.
I remember telling my classmate after class that I didn't like it and that I would tell the teacher, but I wasn't serious about telling the teacher. I was too nervous to tell on her and she knew that. I remember one day she pulled me aside and told me I was a bisexual based off what she noticed about me. After that she started going into detail about her sexual life. I didn't understand a lot of it until later on due to her explaining.
I also remember those days where she and I would play a game where we'd go to the garden and if I was caught by her, she got to poke at me and tease me.. but that escalated quickly. I told her I didn't like it and it made me feel uncomfortable, but she told me that "it was normal." She also would pin me against the locker and throw things at me, but that wasn't as bad, I think.
Finally in sophomore year she found a boyfriend and spent most of her time with him, leaving me alone.
In a way I want to talk to someone about this but I don't know how to start the conversation and/or how to say it. In a way I also want to talk to my close friend about it but I think it would be too much for my friend and maybe even too graphic.. so maybe not. I don't know.. It's not a pleasant thought.
I've been physically, emotionally/pscyhologically abused, and manipulated, but I couldn't bring myself to admit that I've been sexually abused too.
I thought sexual abuse was something really bad that I never experienced because I wasn't deserving of something so bad, if that makes sense?
It took me a very long time to accept I was even being abused and almost for the same reason. I thought it was normal. I also thought that abuse was some big terrible thing, even though I, myself, would be walking with a limp covered in bruises and bloody knuckles and lips. I'd just walk it off thinking, "I was in the wrong. I shouldn't have done that. They're doing it because they love me."
Well about a month ago I remembered more detail of my childhood and I think I've gotten most, if not, all of my memories of the repeated events.
[About to get graphic]
I remember the very first time I was young. Maybe 3rd or 4th grade. My dad walked up behind me while I was bending down to pick up the trash and he simply patted my bum. Then next time he slapped it, not out of anger. I thought nothing of it. He didn't do anything after a while, but then I remember one night while I was taking a shower he unlocked my door to talk to me and took his time to leave. He also would teasingly say, "You don't want your dad to give you a bath anymore?"
I don't know how old I was but I remember when he progressed to stroking me for a few seconds as he'd pass by. Then when I got older he started making comments of my breasts. He'd say they were "filling in nicely."
It wasn't just my dad, my mom was the same way. She'd say it was okay because she was my mother. She was worse, I think. She would threaten me and tell me to strip in front of her so that she can check my body everywhere and make sure I was healthy or something. I remember she did this even when I was in 6th grade and eventually 7th. She would tell me to lie on the bed after I took my clothes off.. at first she would "just check." But then she started giving me a "hands on lesson" about sex-ed. She would say, "You won't learn until it bites you in the butt so I'm showing you now what can happen if you're not careful. I'm doing this because I'm your mother. It's because I love you."
She has long nails that are like.. added on top of her regular nails. The fake extension ones or whatever they're called. I remember the feeling of her nails inside me and I feel so disgusted with myself. About everything. I hate that I let them do that to me. I feel too ashamed to tell anyone about it.
Sometimes she'd have me in the room to do that when she was upset, but most of the time it was meant for "bonding time."
For a while my dad would stay out of it, but he eventually joined in too. They were both very upset with me as I got older and was in 8th grade. Especially freshman and sophomore year of high school.
I knew what they were doing wasn't quite right but I couldn't bring myself to say anything.
Anyways. A sort of similar thing happened in freshman year of high school. A classmate of mine. I remember in one of our classes together she would sit next to me and rest her hand on my upper thigh. I don't remember much about our time together but according to an old classmate of mine, during summer school my classmate would touch me in ways that hinted toward sexual behaviours and I thought nothing of it.
I remember telling my classmate after class that I didn't like it and that I would tell the teacher, but I wasn't serious about telling the teacher. I was too nervous to tell on her and she knew that. I remember one day she pulled me aside and told me I was a bisexual based off what she noticed about me. After that she started going into detail about her sexual life. I didn't understand a lot of it until later on due to her explaining.
I also remember those days where she and I would play a game where we'd go to the garden and if I was caught by her, she got to poke at me and tease me.. but that escalated quickly. I told her I didn't like it and it made me feel uncomfortable, but she told me that "it was normal." She also would pin me against the locker and throw things at me, but that wasn't as bad, I think.
Finally in sophomore year she found a boyfriend and spent most of her time with him, leaving me alone.
In a way I want to talk to someone about this but I don't know how to start the conversation and/or how to say it. In a way I also want to talk to my close friend about it but I think it would be too much for my friend and maybe even too graphic.. so maybe not. I don't know.. It's not a pleasant thought.
