I Think I May Be About To Be Fired By Therapist. Not Sure What To Do.

[barefoot]

Sorry....this is going to be very long but I would really appreciate being heard and receiving some input.

I have written about my therapy/therapist plenty of times here before.

Often, in my responses to other people's threads, to show that there are good therapists out there who care and hold good boundaries and who put client's interests first and who will sometimes go above and beyond to be in service to their clients.

Sometimes I've posted in a state of anxiety because of minor miscommunications/her occasionally dropping the ball eg her saying she'd call and then she didn't call.

More recently I posted about how I felt very insecure in therapy because there was uncertainty about our future work together because of fees. The last few months have been stressful therapy-wise because of that insecurity/uncertainty. However, we got things sorted, agreed fees and the last two or three sessions I had with her were great. We felt in a good place together. We felt back on track. She was a big help (she was helping me prep for a surgery). And it felt like we made good progress with the work - as though a couple of things had shifted for me that we could then pick up and build on when I returned to therapy after my surgery.

My last session with her was 1 March. I am currently on a break because of recouperating from the surgery. I told her the break would be a month or so - she said hips can take a while and doctors are often overly-optimistic, so she wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be more like 6-8 weeks, so I should take what time I needed, rest up and give myself the best chance to heal and recover. We didn't put our next session date in the diary because I wasn't exactly sure when I'd be able to get myself there. So, we left it that I would get back in touch to book in a session when I was back on my feet.

I've seen her pretty much weekly for almost three years I had planned to finish the session on 1 March by touching on the fact that I was about to enter into the longest therapy break I've had in all that time and that that felt weird. I wasn't massively worried about it. I just thought it felt odd to not "speak to that" and get some kind of mini closure before the break. As it turned out, towards the end of the session she asked if I wanted a session the following week because she was supposed to be away that week but now it looked like she wouldn't be. So, I said yes to a session the following week and she asked me to email her to let her know the times I could do. So then I didn't bring up about the break because I thought I'd roll that over until the next week. That evening, I emailed her with times for the following week. A few days later, she emailed to say she couldn't do the following week after all, so let's touch base before my surgery (which was about a week later). I wasn't exactly sure what she meant by "touching base" but thought I would take a punt and ask for what I felt would be useful. So, I replied saying if we could have a quick call the day before my op, that would be really helpful. We have had the odd 15 min call between sessions before, so I thought it was worth asking. No reply. The day before the surgery I texted to ask if she had any time that day for a quick call. She replied that she was fully tied up with work until 9pm but that she could call me at 10pm. I felt bad asking her to call me so late so I said that to her and said not to worry about it.

Next day, I had my surgery. Got an email from her in the afternoon asking how I was and how it had gone. And she said her working day had run later than anticipated the day before so she hadn't been able to call me at 10pm after all. She said she hoped it had gone well and that I was having a successful start to my recovery.

The surgery went well but, despite all my good intentions and planning, I got massively triggered when I was with the anaesthetist just before I went into theatre. It was a horrible experience. I felt terrified and humiliated. On reflection since, I think the feelings were related to past stuff, which have formed a key context of my work with my therapist. I think it was the first time I had tapped into that and actually felt it. So, even though it felt horrendous, on reflection, I think it may be progress. And I didn't dissociate - again, I think that's progress. And I really want to talk it through with my therapist a) because it was horrible and traumatic and I just want to clear that out a bit and b) because I think there are signs in it (e.g. actually feeling those feelings and staying present) that things may be shifting for me and this could be an "in" to trying to engage with this aspect of our work again (dissociation has always got in the way of me really being able to go there and do that work)

So, a couple of days after surgery, when things had settled a bit and I felt less woozy, I emailed my therapist back and told her that I think the op had been been successful but that this other thing had happened and I'd lost my shit a bit - I told her some details including some specific links to things with a doctor when I was a kid that we had talked about before - and that I was having a hard time emotionally.

She didn't reply. I was feeling upset and anxious in the aftermath of the experience and was having lots of intrusive thoughts about old stuff. And I wasn't feeling my best after the surgery/general anaesthetic. And I felt very lost and alone with it. In the past, she has encouraged me to email her stuff as I sometimes get overwhelmed and my voice gets hijacked in sessions, so she sees this as a good channel for me to express myself and considers it valuable for our work. I don't do this very often at all as I don't want to take advantage of this offer and wouldn't dream of just pinging her emails all the time. She has also said before when she was going on holiday for a fortnight that I could drop her an email to say hello, just to keep in touch/stay connected if I was finding the break difficult. I didn't do that - and didn't feel I needed to - but I appreciated the offer. So, a few days after I let her know how the surgery had gone and that I was struggling, I emailed again asking if it was ok if I keep in touch a bit via email during our break so that I could stay connected. I also said I had an appt with my consultant the following week so I'd hopefully have a better idea then about when I could go for a face-to-face session (it takes me roughly two hours on public transport to get there, so I had to be mobile enough to be able to make that journey)

She emailed me back saying me emailing her wasn't a way forward for her and she suggested we have a phone session when I was feeling up to it so that we could work through any issues in a structured, therapeutic way. I was quite surprised as she has said before that she doesn't really like doing phone sessions and when she does do phone sessions she doesn't like to get into too much heavy stuff because she is not physically there with the client. And I felt a bit rejected and confused on the email front but, in the circunstances, I could see how a session would be more beneficial. So, I appreciated her offer and felt that a session - albeit on the phone - would be much more useful than me just firing the odd email her way and not getting any reply (although she has encouraged me to email in the past, she doesn't often email back) I replied that, yes please, I would like a phone session as I was struggling and wanted to talk through the hospital stuff asap.
No reply for a few days.

I then emailed to ask if she had any availability on the following Wednesday as I could maybe go and see her on the same day I was seeing my consultant as they are based near each other and my partner was driving us there. She said she was fully booked all day that day and that, "due to professional commitments" it was taking her time to work out her availability for a phone session. She said to leave it with her and she would get back to me when she had a firm time she could offer me. A week later, there was still no word from her.

I had my appointment with my consultant yesterday and got the green light to come off crutches. Physically, I am feeling good. I emailed my therapist last night, told her I was making good progress and that I was now able to book in for a face-to-face session rather than a phone session, so could she let me know her next available session time so that we can get that booked in asap.

She replied this morning saying that she is fully booked until 8 May and that she imagines there will be some changes along the way and that she will let me know if she has any cancellations before then. She didn't actually offer me a time, so I still don't even have a concrete session booked in the diary.

I don't understand what is going on here. I feel like something's changed but I don't know what/why. I feel like I've done something wrong but don't know what.

I don't understand why she offered a phone session but that didn't actually give it to me. I don't understand why, up until our break, we were booking the next week's session in at the end of each session and now it's that I'm having to wait two months to get time in her diary. I don't understand how I'm going to be able to get in her diary after 8 May for regular sessions if she really is so fully booked, I don't understand why emails have always been ok - and in fact she has encouraged them - and right now they are no go. I don't understand how she has gone above and beyond for me seveal times in the past - texting to check in after difficult sessions, phoning doctors for me ahead of appointments to help lay the ground work for me, once meeting me for a cup of tea and waiting with me before a doctor's appointment - and now, something significant and upsetting has happened around the main childhood trauma we have held as a context to our work all this time and I have told her I am struggling and she is just nowhere, not offering any kind of support or acknowledgment that this has happened and that it is hard. I don't understand how I am reaching out because I need her (and she knows how hard that is for me and I rarely do it) and she is nowhere, offering nothing. I'm not asking her for a favour or for her to give me special treatment or for her to do something above and beyond and I'm not rampaging over any boundaries here. I am just a client, who is having a hard time, who is just trying to book her next session with her long term therapist.

I know that she is incredibly busy. I know that the next few weeks includes Easter, which means that she will lose one of her two weekly private practice days to bank holidays so her availability will be reduced. I know she has sometimes gone on holiday around Easter, so she may also be away at some point over the next few weeks. I know she has a tendency to be inconsistent in some aspects of her reliability - largely because she can be quite forgetful and isn't the most organised person. I know that we were uncertain about how long I would need a break for so, of course, I didn't expect that she would have had me pencilled in at the expense of being available for other clients if I then couldn't make it. I know she doesn't get into stuff on email beyond logistical stuff. I know her email tone is generally oddly abrupt, formal and quite cold even though, in person, she is not, so I am trying not to dwell on the fact that she doesn't sound very caring in these latest emails.

But I don't think I am being unreasonable, in the context of our relationship and how we have worked together in all this time, that I am now in this position of really needing her support and there is nothing. And seemingly nothing I can do about it. Once again - as with the fee discussion - it feels like the ball is largely in her court. It feels like I have to just wait. Or I have to leave.

I feel frustrated, upset, angry and just so, so worried. Having had a rocky time as we got the whole fee thing sorted and then felt like we were back in a positive place and doing good work, I am now convinced that there is more to this than diary logistics and bank holidays and that she doesn't want to work with me anymore. I'm worried that she is just fobbing me off in the hope that I will just go away. Or that I will get to my appointment on 8 May (assuming I actually manage to get a specific time from her in the diary!) and I will be ready to launch in to the work and everything I've needed to talk about since my surgery and she will hijack the session by telling me at the start that we're done.

I have emailed her back - a very honest/vulnerable but also calm and measured message. I have asked for a specific time on 8 May so that we get something concrete booked the diary in case no cancellations come up before then and I also asked whether we could book a few fortnightly sessions in after that because otherwise I am worried about how she will be able to fit me in with how chocka her diary is. I've also said I didn't expect it to take this long to get back in her diary and that, therefore, I hadn't expected this therapy break to be so long. And I reiterated that a lot has happened and it's been hard and I feel in need of some support. I also said I feel very anxious that perhaps this delay isn't just about diary logistics and I've asked for some reassurance from her on that as that will really help me while I wait for my appointment. I don't expect she will reply with any reassurances. But I wanted to put that out there and express what I feel I need.

Sorry this is such a long ramble. I don't even know what I'm hoping for by posting this...
I'm feeling very fragile. I suspect that most people reading this will tell me to get a new therapist but, to be honest, if you all just pile in telling me to get rid of her, I don't think I will find that helpful. It will just be upsetting for me at the moment. I *know* I could look for a new therapist, I know that is a serious option and it is something I am starting to consider.

I am just so attached to her. And she has been great in so many ways. The last couple of sessions were brilliant and I thought were going to springboard us into the next phase of our work after my surgery. As I mentioned, some things seem to have shifted in the last few weeks, which I really want to go and pick up with her to move forwards with the work. Me feeling those feelings, not dissociating, me being able to start engaging with talking to inner child as prep for the op - these things all feel like examples of major progress just in the last few weeks. I can't bear to think that I'm not now going to get an opportunity to pick this up with her.

If I can get back in there for more sessions (i.e. I get a specific appointment time through, the appointment happens, I don't get fired) I do think I need to address the consistency issues with her. I need to bring up the impact those things have on me. I then need to see whether she is willing/able to do anything to address the, and, if she can't, I need to make a decision about whether I can tolerate it or whether it has become too big an obstacle. I'm just worried that I won't even get that opportunity because she has already decided that she doesn't want to work with me anymore.

I know I am feeling very anxious and upset - about this situation with her and because I don't think I have really calmed right down after my triggering experience at the hospital two weeks ago. I think my stress cup overfloweth! So I know my anxiety is just rocketing off the scale about all sorts of things for no real reason and I'm not sure how good my judgement is with things at the moment. I also know I have a tendency to mind-reading, black and white thinking and catastrophising when I feel in this state. My partner thinks my therapist is handling this badly (and could totally fix this for now by sending one reassuring sentence) and she hates seeing me this upset. But she also thinks this isn't a sign that my therapist is going to fire me.

So maybe that's why I'm posting. Maybe I'm looking to see whether anyone here can give me any reassurance that my therapist might still want to work with me. And I know you can't possibly know that. But if there's anyone who thinks that this isn't necessarily my therapist wanting to stop working with me, that would be good to hear.

And I suppose I'm just looking for some different perspectives on this. Not just what I want to hear ("there thee barefoot, I'm sure she still wants to work with you") and not just "get a new therapist!" But the other stuff in between. What is the stuff in between??

I feel like I'm losing my f*cking mind with this therapy situation today. And I'm realising how I am still being greatly impacted by what was triggered with the anaesthetist two weeks ago. I thought I was over that. I now don't think I am. I don't trust my judgement at the moment. Maybe that's why I'm posting. Because I don't trust my judgement anymore. And that feels quite scary.

Thank you so much for reading if you managed to make it through this whole post!

 

[Teasel]

Well my heart goes out to you it really does. I think in the same situation I would be feeling just as you are now. Very much so.
My first thought is to somehow communcate what you've written here to her, and go from there. :hug:

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for your support @Berlinda

I've emailed her to try to firm up a next session time (in May!) and to express that I'm struggling and could use some support. And I've told her I feel worried and insecure about whether there is more to this than diary logistics. She's just not very communicative on email (and certainly doesn't engage with anxiety on email, which is probably how she will perceive my message, even though I kept it very measure - my partner read it through before I sent it!) So, suspect all she will do is come back to me (or not!) with a firm session time.

I think if I get that session, I will need to bottom line some of the challenges I have outlined above. But I'm very anxious that I won't have the chance. Either because she will keep fobbing me off and I won't get a firm session time. Or that I will and I will feel reassured to have that in the diary....then I will get there and then she will drop me.

I know I'm not helping myself with these thoughts and that I'm just whipping myself into more of a frenzy. I just need some reassurance from her. And I don't think I'm going to get any.

 

[Justmehere]

Only she can say what's going on here, and I know she isn't explaining and that's part of the problem.

But lea look at some other possible interpretations other than she is about to fire you.

The fact that she said up front that hip surgery takes 6-8 weeks to recover - and now basically would be booking you perhaps 8 weeks out shows that perhaps she knew March and April would be very busy for her.

It has taken me about 2 months after my hip surgery before I could do everything I used to do in therapy, so she wasn't entirely out there to suggest that you might need two months off. I am about 8 weeks out and just now getting off crutches - so she may have had clients like me who took much longer to bounce back.

It also seems less like she isn't going to fire you because she's only in her private practice two days a week and two of those days for April will be taken up by holidays for April... which means any scheduling issues would push out appointments even further than someone who is in the office every day without holidays.

It's all quite strange (and bad) the way she is handling this, but I don't read any indications that you are about to be fired.

I can see why you feel so abandoned though. It is a lot of inconsistency and not coming through and getting things scheduled. The way she is acting is consistent with someone who is running consistently short on time and is perhaps overwhelmed with a lot on her plate. Not someone who is a good therapist who is about to fire her client.

That doesn't make it ok the way she is putting you off over and over, but it's a different possible
explaination.

Good therapists usually warn their clients about repeated boundary violations before abruptly firing a client - there are exceptions. She has already shown that she tends to talk an issue through, face to face, like with the finances, before dropping someone.

I'm glad that you communicated how anxious you are and that you need reassurance. I really hope she provides that, even though you don't expect it. I would also hold off on sending more emails other than basic logistics.

I am concerned you don't have therapeutic support for another whole month, but I'm not sure you can do much about her scheduling problems right now. Finding a temporary therapist might be an in-between option. It's not ideal, it's different than a replacement therapist, just a temporary measure so you would have some support until May comes. I have done that before when I was convinced (through my ineffective attempts at mind reading) my own therapist was about to quit. It helped reduce some of my anxiety and some of the sense of panic of feared abandonment. It also helped me navigate things with my therapist better.

 

[Muttly]

I agree with everything justmehere said. I don't really see any indication in what you described that she's going to fire you. I don 't see any indication that she has concerns about your boundaries.

Some of her flakiness reminds me of my current therapist. My therapist has been known to say she will respond to an email and not. Or she will check in and she doesn't. She's forgotten to communicate some schedule things. And it can make me insecure, but as flaky as she is, Having said that, she's been a better communicator about what's going on and her challenges than your therapist has. And she has adapted as these challenges have come up. We've found ways to make her flakiness less, and I accept she's always going to be a bit of a flake. I also had a similar fee problem and she was super direct and comfortable talking about it and it was resolved quickly.

Other parts of what you describe, remind me of my old psych, who did therapy. He started off good but...he just didn't have the availability and ...commitment to do what I needed. And that's not a condemnation of him and me. Where he did fail me, and badly, was in realizing that and owning up to that. And then he got cancer but felt he could keep practicing and things went to hell. Of course, he didn't tell me he had cancer. His availability and consistency, which were already dicey, just fell apart. And he wasn't telling me what was going on or admitting he couldn't be there. And he got defensive about it, when I finally managed to voice that I was really struggling and need to know if he was going to be available and when. He was heading off on a trip, after a leave and he kept promising he'd set something up and I was actively suicidal and I kept asking what that setup would be and if he was out of town what my options would be. He kept promising to let me know and then he just left. Our relationship never recovered from that and I wished I'd had the strenght to move on sooner because at that point he was doing me more harm than good by making promises he couldn't keep.

I'm not sure any of that helps. I feel for your because it is upsetting and unfair to have the rules keep changing. Just keep in min, it may have nothing to do with you at all. You don't know what's happening in her life.

 

[Suzetig]

The bit in between is all the stuff about scheduling, diary management, communication and consistency. If she only does 2 days private practice she may have very limited availability in her diary. I suspect that she's tried to fit in a short term client to fill your gap and had miscalculated or the work has extended unexpectedly. It's entirely possible that someone working only a couple of days could find it hard to quickly schedule in a client session at short notice or not have space until X date.

I can also see her wanting to pull back on you emailing her if she doesn't really respond to your content. She'll need to read everything you send not least to check for risk, isn't responding therapeutically and all that material is just sitting there - would you both discuss it when you resume working again, when you might be in a different place with it or would you just let it sit without talking about it. If you kept emailing it could mean a lot of accrued material to do "something" with - that kind of process can work well when you meet regularly but can build up if you're on a break.

The level of disorganisation isn't acceptable and she shouldn't have offered you a phone session if she couldn't keep it. She also needed to discuss the break before your surgery openly in terms of how you'd feel and cope and the limits of support she could offer so I do think she's dropped the ball with you.

If she's been good thus far she may just have lost focus somewhere and it may be fixable. I doubt she's trying to drop you because there are more direct what's to do that - though I've been wrong before. Getting her to commit to a session time is a good way forward, maybe write yourself a list of things you need answers to in that first session back and almost write it off from a processing point of view? Instead I'd almost recontract the work - so session time, frequency, fees, boundaries, punctuality etc to help create a safe framework again.

I'm sorry your dealing with this, sometimes the therapeutic professions utterly bewilder me.

 

[barefoot]

But lea look at some other possible interpretations other than she is about to fire you.

Thank you. it has been helpful - and a little calming! - reading the alternative interpretations you have outlined.

I can see why you feel so abandoned though. It is a lot of inconsistency and not coming through and getting things scheduled. The way she is acting is consistent with someone who is running consistently short on time and is perhaps overwhelmed with a lot on her plate.

Yes, I do feel like I've just been left hanging, which I wasn't expecting. And she's said so many times (re the whole previous fee / future uncertainty issue) that she's not the sort of therapist to leave clients hanging and she's not going to abandon me and she hasn't given up on me and that where there's a will there's a way so we will keep working together for as long as I need to. And yet...here we are!

I *do* think she is very busy. She seems to have lots going on - private clients and other regular commitments and other projects - and is, I suspect, overstretched. I do think she has genuine intention when she makes offers. But then she doesn't have the capacity to follow through and deliver on them. I would prefer she didn't offer as I stupidly get my hopes up every time and then, predictably, feel upset and let down every time.

I would also hold off on sending more emails other than basic logistics.

Definitely not sending any more emails - only to firm up logistics for next session. I don't know how long to leave it if she doesn't reply before I email her again re what time I can go on 8 May. I don't want to be annoying and impatient. I just want the bloody thing committed in the diary!

I am concerned you don't have therapeutic support for another whole month,

If I can reach a point of feeling secure about seeing her next session and continuing to see her, I think I will be ok with waiting another few weeks. It is far from ideal as I do really want to talk through the hospital stuff. However, I think I can park it for another few weeks. I have journaled about it so have a written record. The downside to waiting is not that I am in too much of a frenzy and I can't cope with it. It is actually more that, as more time passes, the intensity/urgency will diminish and I will then be in danger of minimising/dismissing the experience. I wanted to strike while the iron was hot, while I could still feel the feelings. I think I am already pushing it down and trying toforce a lid on it to make it go away and be fine.

Finding a temporary therapist might be an in-between option.

I'm curious about this. Do you ask your current therapist to refer you to a temp one? Or do you just find one yourself? And, if the latter, are you upfront about it i.e. do you tell them that you're only wanting to see them as an interim support while your current therapist is unavailable?

Thanks so much for your reply. I hope you are still doing well after your surgery?

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Muttly
I can certainly identify with your descriptions of your therapist (in terms of flakiness) and your psych (iterms of availability/commitment)

It is in some way reassuring to know that others have had these kinds of struggles too. In your case, you have managed to work around and move forwards with your therapist's flakiness but couldn't make it work with your psych's lack of availability/commitment. I seem to have both issues within my therapist at the moment. I'm not sure which way this will go...I'm not sure what (if anything) is fixable, what (if anything) I can continue to tolerate/get over, what (if anything) totally crosses the line in terms of how I can continue.

Thanks for sharing and for your support.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @Suzetig - I always very much appreciate your input.

Yes, she is busy and only does private practice two days per week. We have been scheduling in week by week so far this year and there hasn't been a problem with me getting an appointment for the following week. But I suppose you could be right - she may have either taken on new clients or taken on someone short term to fill my space and now I am ready to go back before she has room for me. If something like that is the case, I just wish she'd say so and then I'd know where I stand and, although it wouldn't be ideal because I would still have to wait a few weeks, I wouldn't be worrying about it.

I agree with you about the emails. Although I was initially taken aback by her saying not to email when she has always encouraged it, I do understand why she pushed back on that and I do think talking things through in a session together is more beneficial than me just firing emails into the ether for a few weeks. Unfortunately, I now have no way of reaching out to her - I can't email her and I don't have a session.

The level of disorganisation isn't acceptable and she shouldn't have offered you a phone session if she couldn't keep it. She also needed to discuss the break before your surgery openly in terms of how you'd feel and cope and the limits of support she could offer so I do think she's dropped the ball with you.

Yes, I feel that she dropped the ball with these things too. At the risk of sounding like an eight year old, I don't think those things have been fair and I find it difficult to see how she thinks thosethings are ok. Maybe she doesn't think they're ok but just chooses not to mention them or do anything about them!

I suppose we finished the last session in the same place - both thinking we were going to see each other the following week. But seeing as she then said that wasn't possible so let's touch base before the surgery, I feel quite hurt and disappointed that no contact then took place.

I also feel upset because she used to text to check in the next day after a particularly hard session or give me a quick call before or after a tricky medical appointment etc to see how I was doing. She didn't do it loads because it didn't come up that often. And whenever she's done it I've always said how kind it was of her and that I appreciate it and I feel bad that she's spent extra time on me but thank you. This time, she had said I could have a session, then not been able to give me one. She then said we'll touch base before the surgery, then didn't. I then told her (in reply to an email she sent me asking how it went/how I am) that I had a bad experience, got badly triggered and am really upset and struggling. And there's been nothing. Even if she hasn't texted or called, I feel hurt that she hasn't even acknowledged in any of the emails that I'm having a hard time, if she just said something like "I'm sorry that happened and hope you're doing ok. Let's talk it through as soon as we are able to meet" it would make such a difference to me.

I feel like she has spent all this time being ultra-relational, pushing for trust, relationship, connection etc, telling me how important the therapeutic relationship is and that it is good that we are close. I don't mean she's been poor with boundaries - I don't think she has. I think she has reached out and done all that stuff to help us build our alliance and to encourage me to feel safe with her and trust her. And it worked. I managed to do that. And now, this has happened and it's something she knows is highly charged and linked to trauma for me. And I've done what I so rarely do and explicitly reached out to her to say I'm struggling and to ask her for some support and she's just nowhere. Whatever her situation or intention, it feels so punitive. It feels like I've done something wrong and that she is punishing me.

Sorry...a long whine that went off-point!

If she's been good thus far she may just have lost focus somewhere and it may be fixable.

I suppose she has always been a bit of a flake. But I am too! So, I think I found that live-with-able. I think maybe trust is still dented from the rupture around fees/future. And, slightly before that, we had a rocky few sessions when she suggested we couldn't do the deeper trauma work any more at this point because my dissociation was too bad and it wasn't in service to me. We ended up in a strong place after fee-gate and I felt like we were back on track but we have only had two or three sessions since that was resolved before I left for my surgery break. Perhaps, because the uncertainty around fees/future working together rumbled on for a few months before we sorted it, perhaps things are still incredibly fragile and I am going to be more sensitive to these kinds of things because the alliance feels too...precarious...at this point?

write yourself a list of things you need answers to in that first session back and almost write it off from a processing point of view? Instead I'd almost recontract the work - so session time, frequency, fees, boundaries, punctuality etc to help create a safe framework again.

Yes....I'd thought I just needed to talk through/clear out the hospital stuff in my first session back to get that done and out. But maybe you're right. Maybe we need to firm up practicalities, boundaries, expectations etc before we do anything else, because if that "container" isn't securely in place, things just feel too uncertain and wobbly and I feel too insecure and spooked to really do any proper work. Hmm...

sometimes the therapeutic professions utterly bewilder me.

I know! To me, this feels like basic stuff. Don't leave clients hanging. Manage your time and workload. Don't offer things you can't follow through on. Be transparent and straightforward and compassionate. Yes, they're human. Yes, mistakes happen. Yes, they drop the ball sometimes. I'm not trying to hold her to perfect standards. But it would help a lot if she could engage with me on this and "speak to"/own some of her stuff in how things are at the moment.

 

[Suzetig]

At the risk of sounding like an eight year old, I don't think those things have been fair

They aren't fair - you're not being chikdish here, actually I think you're being very measured in placing responsibility where it lies while recognising there may not be any malice behind her actions. You've every right to feel whatever you feel with this.

It may be that things were more shakey than you realised after the fee rupture, though some of the things you're unhappy with would always be an issue your feelings might be different and the way you interpret her intention (i.e. She wants to sack me) might have been different if the relationship were steadier. You're also likely to be vulnerable following surgery which will also impact how you experience her - but none of that means you're wrong or your feelings arent real.

I hope you're able to fix a time with her, tbh I'd be inclined to say you'll meet her at x time on the 8th May unless she contacts you with an alternative, set a read notification on your email and let her get on with it. But I can be a bit of a madam :happy:

 

[barefoot]

It may be that things were more shakey than you realised after the fee rupture

Yes...I had been so stressed and insecure about it for a few months and, by the time we sorted it out, I was in a panic about only having a couple of sessions left to prep with her for the surgery. So I think I just parked all the unsettled insecurity and upset - told myself it was sorted and switched my attention to the surgery. And those sessions were really good. And we/the space felt good - back to how it's used to feel. And I was so relieved to be heading into the surgery and the subsequent break knowing that we were ok and I was going to be ok continuing to work with her. And maybe there was still aftermath from the rupture that was hovering under the surface but I bypassed it because I had to put all my focus on surgery and those sessions then went so well, which made me think everything was fab and fully repaired. I guess it does take dedicated time in sessions to actually consciously work on repairing ruptures of that scale. And we didn't do that because the op became the immediate, urgent priority... Hmm...so, again, makes me think you had the right idea earlier about using the first session back to set up the framework instead of launching into triggers and traumas etc. Right now, I can't even imagine sitting there telling her about the hospital stuff and the links to past trauma because all I can think is that she has let me down and doesn't care...so not quite sure how, with those current feelings, I can sit and talk to her about such personal things and how terrified, humiliated and ashamed I felt. How can I tell someone that when I think that we are (perhaps just temporarily) disconnected?

I'd be inclined to say you'll meet her at x time on the 8th May unless she contacts you with an alternative

I don't think I can email her again on it without giving her at least a few days to come back to me. The thing is, her diary is chocka and mine is generally pretty empty at the moment, so it is generally far more practical for me to work around her availability. Perhaps she genuinely thinks we will see each other before 8 May as she's bound to have someone cancel before then. I don't know. Gosh...mind-reading really has become my #1 hobby!

But I can be a bit of a madam :happy:

I don't believe it! ;-)

 

[barefoot]

I'm still losing my mind about this. I'm home alone most of this weekend and my head is just constantly going to how she doesn't want to work with me anymore. Feels like things are just playing on a loop in my head....all building evidence for her saying we're done and me then playing all these future conversations through...what she's going to say when she tells me, what I'm going to say back.

I'm feeling so anxious and so upset. I just can't seem to stop these thoughts even though I know they are not helping.

I still don't have a session in the diary because she hasn't got back to me with a time. I don't know that I'm going to get one. This could just be it.

I have been looking up therapists in my area online trying to do something to see if that will feel more empowering to know that I have choices - that there are other people I can work with. But I'm just finding it overwhelming. Plus, it's keeping my thoughts focused on the fact that my current therapy/therapeutic relationship is so precarious.

I feel so fearful and so desperate to just work this out with her and get back to how things used to be. And I know that level of fear and desperation doesn't sound like it belongs in a healthy therapeutic dynamic. And yet and yet....

My head/anxiety is totally running away with me and she is doing nothing to help that. And I don't know how to help myself through it either.