therapists are human to and suffer stress and emotions like the rest of us, however i feel there needs to be a communication update to ensure you get the very best support. It is often very stressful and difficult dealing with client's as we tend to forget we are not the only one. However you need consistency and support at those times when you are most vulnerable. be honest and share your concerns . When you have a crisis you need response
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I Think I May Be About To Be Fired By Therapist. Not Sure What To Do.
- Post starter barefoot
- Start date
- Status
Justmehere
Sponsor
This kind of fear and desperation comes up outside and inside of healthy client-therapist dynamics. I think right now she is dropping the boat, but not giving up, and I don't think you need to give up hope either. Try not to read too much into the status of the relationship as a whole just because things are rough right now. (I know, so easy to say....)
I think trust might be wounded on your side, but I'm guessing not so much on her side. Therapists deal with issues around fees and payment all the time. All. the. time. It's not as big a deal for them as it is for us. They regroup after such things very quickly. Clients often don't regroup as quickly, but that kind of bump in the road doesn't usually make a therapist more likely to bail.
There have been times that I have been convinced my therapist was going to quit and I couldn't reassure myself, and she didn't or couldn't reassure me either. For me, it stirs up a lot of old feelings about old abandonment, when not hearing me ask for help was a matter of life and death.
Don't forget that the old trauma is stirred up big time for you right now, both from the hospital and by your therapist's lack of responsiveness. The fear and other feelings you have now are important, but not likely an accurate barometer of the danger of abandonment in the present moment. It's partly about the past too. Your fear might be telling you more about how much danger there was in the past than it is about this moment now.
Grounding, distraction, and mindfulness might be good things to keep trying to get through this - especially to connect with just this moment now, not the feared future, or the painful past, might help. I know how hard it can be to do this though.
Sometimes when the fear of abandonment has come up for me, and all else has failed, I will use an internal family systems technique that can help. I'll write a letter to myself like I'm writing to a scared inner child, to reassure them that I will be there for them. No matter what. I will not leave them/myself. It seemed really strange to try this the first time a therapist suggested it, but it was oddly calming. I don't have DID, but this somehow provided myself a measure of the reassurance I needed.... to be honest, I'm still not sure why it worked at all. But it did.
If that doesn't work for you, try to find other ways to be there for yourself through really good self care (things like eating well and etc.) It's not the same as getting reassurance from her, but it might take some of the edge off the anxiety until you do finally get reassurance form her and an appointment booked. We are here for you too. :hug:
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- Post starter
- #15
barefoot
Diamond Member
Update: therapist has emailed to say she's had a cancellation for tomorrow if that works for me.
I was meant to have my first physio session then but have opted to prioritise my head over my leg!
So...I'm going tomorrow.
I feel very conflicted.
On the one hand, I feel glad and relieved that she has replied, that I have a session confirmed and that I can go in and speak to her tomorrow to talk this through.
On the other, I am dreading it. I feel very nervous about how it will go and where things will end up.
I need to think about how I want to do tomorrow's session - what I want to focus on, what I want to achieve, what I want to say, what are the most important things I want her to know, what do I want from her...
If she doesn't start by suggesting we wrap up working together, I think over the last couple of days I have identified that the biggest challenges I have with working with her and her inconsistency are:
1) her offering things (like touching base before my surgery and like offering the phone session after my op) then not following through - and often then not acknowledging (at or or not in a timely manner) that she didn't follow through.
2) her behaviour/boundaries seem to have changed over time but, because she hasn't communicated that, my expectations have not. So, if she has decided, for whatever reason, that she doesn't now want me to email her (apart from re scheduling/logistics), that she isn't going to text to check in on how I'm doing when things are tough anymore, that she isn't now willing/able to do quick calls in between sessions ever etc she needs to say that. And I will probably feel disappointed because I always appreciated it when she did those things (and we really haven't done it often - it's not that we've emailed, phoned and texted each other regularly - not at all) But I won't have any expectation next time that she may do any of those things. And I won't feel hurt, confused, rejected, abandoned, unsupported and like I've done something wrong but I don't know what as I have felt over the past couple of weeks by her lack of acknowledgement and communication and, consequently, her seeming lack of care.
So, I guess these are the things to bring up. And maybe I should spell it out to her that I've been convinced/afraid that she will fire me? And then see what she says about all that...
Not really sure what I want from her if I bring those things up. Just clarity, I think. I want her to know how it impacted me and I want to feel that I know where I stand and what to expect moving forwards.
She has also just let me know that she has moved buildings, which I knew was on the cards but I hadn't processed until she said about it today that it was happening now. So, an unfamiliar room in an unfamiliar building in an unfamiliar street. Hello spookdom!
I was meant to have my first physio session then but have opted to prioritise my head over my leg!
So...I'm going tomorrow.
I feel very conflicted.
On the one hand, I feel glad and relieved that she has replied, that I have a session confirmed and that I can go in and speak to her tomorrow to talk this through.
On the other, I am dreading it. I feel very nervous about how it will go and where things will end up.
I need to think about how I want to do tomorrow's session - what I want to focus on, what I want to achieve, what I want to say, what are the most important things I want her to know, what do I want from her...
If she doesn't start by suggesting we wrap up working together, I think over the last couple of days I have identified that the biggest challenges I have with working with her and her inconsistency are:
1) her offering things (like touching base before my surgery and like offering the phone session after my op) then not following through - and often then not acknowledging (at or or not in a timely manner) that she didn't follow through.
2) her behaviour/boundaries seem to have changed over time but, because she hasn't communicated that, my expectations have not. So, if she has decided, for whatever reason, that she doesn't now want me to email her (apart from re scheduling/logistics), that she isn't going to text to check in on how I'm doing when things are tough anymore, that she isn't now willing/able to do quick calls in between sessions ever etc she needs to say that. And I will probably feel disappointed because I always appreciated it when she did those things (and we really haven't done it often - it's not that we've emailed, phoned and texted each other regularly - not at all) But I won't have any expectation next time that she may do any of those things. And I won't feel hurt, confused, rejected, abandoned, unsupported and like I've done something wrong but I don't know what as I have felt over the past couple of weeks by her lack of acknowledgement and communication and, consequently, her seeming lack of care.
So, I guess these are the things to bring up. And maybe I should spell it out to her that I've been convinced/afraid that she will fire me? And then see what she says about all that...
Not really sure what I want from her if I bring those things up. Just clarity, I think. I want her to know how it impacted me and I want to feel that I know where I stand and what to expect moving forwards.
She has also just let me know that she has moved buildings, which I knew was on the cards but I hadn't processed until she said about it today that it was happening now. So, an unfamiliar room in an unfamiliar building in an unfamiliar street. Hello spookdom!
- Post starter
- #16
barefoot
Diamond Member
@Justmehere - although things have moved on in that I now have a session tomorrow I still feel very anxious and am still doubtful about whether she wants to keep working with me, so your post still has a lot of relevance for me.
This is a useful reminder - thanks!
I am going to do some colouring to try to take my mind off things for a while!
I have always felt quite anti-inner child stuff when my therapist has referred to it (even just mentions of inner child, not even exercises that she wants me to do) But she did suggest an inner child thing (speaking to it to soothe/reassure as opposed to writing) as part of my prep in the run up to my surgery and it did help. Having always been very feisty and resistant to the idea before, I was surprised to find myself open to it and that it did seem to help. So perhaps I will try to engage with inner child today and tomorrow in case it helps to ease some anxiety.
And I really appreciate that. Things feel tough at the moment and I have had a very strong sense of unravelling! So, I am grateful to have support from you and others here. Thank you.
This is a useful reminder - thanks!
I am going to do some colouring to try to take my mind off things for a while!
I have always felt quite anti-inner child stuff when my therapist has referred to it (even just mentions of inner child, not even exercises that she wants me to do) But she did suggest an inner child thing (speaking to it to soothe/reassure as opposed to writing) as part of my prep in the run up to my surgery and it did help. Having always been very feisty and resistant to the idea before, I was surprised to find myself open to it and that it did seem to help. So perhaps I will try to engage with inner child today and tomorrow in case it helps to ease some anxiety.
And I really appreciate that. Things feel tough at the moment and I have had a very strong sense of unravelling! So, I am grateful to have support from you and others here. Thank you.
scout86
VIP Member
"Clarity" sounds like a good thing to focus on now. There's plenty that needs clarifying and that seems like a step that's necessary to going on.
Good luck! I'll have you in my thoughts.
Good luck! I'll have you in my thoughts.
- Post starter
- #18
ButterflyBean
Not Active
@barefoot - how did things go? I understand if you are too overwhelmed to write yet, but I just wanted to check in and let you know that someone is listening! I have some thoughts on your post about choosing a *new* therapist, but I want to make sure you are still leaning in that direction before giving you information that could feel too overwhelming… The simplest thing I can say is to take some deep breaths and take care of yourself as much as you can! Thinking of you!
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Freedomfighter
Diamond Member
It does sound like that T is very busy and may be encountering a lot of traffic in the office.
But if a regular session can not be held and even a phone session is not available due to time constraints, why could the T not simply offer to give advice on some questions via E-mail?
At least that would help the patient to bridge the time in between regular sessions.
You are really stressed out about what happened and I think an E-mail would actually be o.k. and at least ease your mind a bit if the T can help a little that way.
- Post starter
- #21
barefoot
Diamond Member
I saw her on Monday and she actually brought up the whole topic of me emailing and trying to get a session booked in before I did and she was keen to talk it through.
Turns out that @Justmehere was right - for some reason, she had misunderstood how long my recuperation was going to take and therefore thought my therapy break was going to be longer. She thought it was going to take a least a month post-op before I was ready to come back so when I emailed her after two weeks and was then getting increasingly anxious because she didn't have any time, I think she was very confused and didn't really know what was going on because, from her point of view, I was trying to go back way earlier than she thought we had planned and I was then getting jittery when she couldn't fit me in.
So, anyway...she didn't really own any of the stuff that I perceived to be her dropping the ball (e.g. her saying we'd touch base before the op and then we didn't and her offering a phone session then she couldn't actually do one) and, to be honest, I hadn't really expected her to. But we both said our piece and were both very honest with each other and I think we both now have a better understanding of where the other one was at.
I did tell her in the end that I have spent the last couple of weeks convinced that she was going to fire me and she looked totally shocked and then refocused our conversation so that we then spent time with her reassuring me that that wasn't true, that she does care about me and wants to continue to work with me and that she isn't going to fire me.
I now feel a bit silly that I had whipped myself up into such a frenzy about this and that I spent so much time and energy spewing my panic and anxiety all over the forum! And with my partner! And I feel bad that people who replied to me spent their time and energy engaging with my panic!
So, the positives are:
- I haven't been fired/am not going to be fired
- There seemed to be a genuine misunderstanding on her part about the timeframe
- Although she didn't "own" things, I think we have a better understanding of how we each approach certain things so, while I don't think she is going to change, I think now I understand her approach/point of view with some of this stuff, I don't think I will over-think things/mind-read so much in the future, so I don't think I will feel anxious about what things "mean". (Hmm...easy to say but we'll see how that goes!)
- I think by having such an honest conversation on Monday, we actually managed to repair/firm up some of the wobbliness and insecurity I've felt about therapy for the past few months.
- When we talked about me getting triggered at the hospital, she agreed with me that I had tapped into something related to old trauma and she said that it was something that we can work on together - so it was a relief to hear that she was willing to go there and do that work with me as a few months ago she said it wasn't in service to me because of my huge resistance/dissociation. So, I am pleased that - horrendous though the experience in the hospital was - this seems to be some evidence that things may be shifting for me and that we can now explore that together.
I am going to go for another session next week (where we will pick up on the hospital stuff again) and will then go fortnightly to see how that works out. She has offered me a regular, on-going slot, so that in itself feels more secure again.
I'm feeling in a good place with it and feeling a lot of relief so now I just have to see how we go. If these kind of inconsistencies crop again again and I can't deal with them any better or if the general insecurity ramps back up or if we end up not being able to dip a toe back into the trauma pond (either because she is reluctant or because I am too resistant/dissociative again) I guess I will have to review whether this can work anymore or whether working with her has run its course.
But right now I'm feeling positive. We have cleared the air, drawn a line under the last couple of weeks where we were both quite baffled by the other one's behaviour and I am really hopeful about this new opportunity that seems to have opened up for us to try to dig around a bit into the more sensitive content again.
Thank you for all the support on this thread - and other related threads. It is much appreciated and really helped me not to go completely bat shit crazy during what was a very stressful time. I know I still haven't properly calmed down since the hospital but, since my session, things are starting to feel a bit more settled. I just feel utterly exhausted and emotionally drained, so I have just spent the last couple of days trying to relax and be kind to myself. And now I'm just going to try to focus a bit more on my physical recovery - have got my first physio session this afternoon!
Thanks everyone!
Turns out that @Justmehere was right - for some reason, she had misunderstood how long my recuperation was going to take and therefore thought my therapy break was going to be longer. She thought it was going to take a least a month post-op before I was ready to come back so when I emailed her after two weeks and was then getting increasingly anxious because she didn't have any time, I think she was very confused and didn't really know what was going on because, from her point of view, I was trying to go back way earlier than she thought we had planned and I was then getting jittery when she couldn't fit me in.
So, anyway...she didn't really own any of the stuff that I perceived to be her dropping the ball (e.g. her saying we'd touch base before the op and then we didn't and her offering a phone session then she couldn't actually do one) and, to be honest, I hadn't really expected her to. But we both said our piece and were both very honest with each other and I think we both now have a better understanding of where the other one was at.
I did tell her in the end that I have spent the last couple of weeks convinced that she was going to fire me and she looked totally shocked and then refocused our conversation so that we then spent time with her reassuring me that that wasn't true, that she does care about me and wants to continue to work with me and that she isn't going to fire me.
I now feel a bit silly that I had whipped myself up into such a frenzy about this and that I spent so much time and energy spewing my panic and anxiety all over the forum! And with my partner! And I feel bad that people who replied to me spent their time and energy engaging with my panic!
So, the positives are:
- I haven't been fired/am not going to be fired
- There seemed to be a genuine misunderstanding on her part about the timeframe
- Although she didn't "own" things, I think we have a better understanding of how we each approach certain things so, while I don't think she is going to change, I think now I understand her approach/point of view with some of this stuff, I don't think I will over-think things/mind-read so much in the future, so I don't think I will feel anxious about what things "mean". (Hmm...easy to say but we'll see how that goes!)
- I think by having such an honest conversation on Monday, we actually managed to repair/firm up some of the wobbliness and insecurity I've felt about therapy for the past few months.
- When we talked about me getting triggered at the hospital, she agreed with me that I had tapped into something related to old trauma and she said that it was something that we can work on together - so it was a relief to hear that she was willing to go there and do that work with me as a few months ago she said it wasn't in service to me because of my huge resistance/dissociation. So, I am pleased that - horrendous though the experience in the hospital was - this seems to be some evidence that things may be shifting for me and that we can now explore that together.
I am going to go for another session next week (where we will pick up on the hospital stuff again) and will then go fortnightly to see how that works out. She has offered me a regular, on-going slot, so that in itself feels more secure again.
I'm feeling in a good place with it and feeling a lot of relief so now I just have to see how we go. If these kind of inconsistencies crop again again and I can't deal with them any better or if the general insecurity ramps back up or if we end up not being able to dip a toe back into the trauma pond (either because she is reluctant or because I am too resistant/dissociative again) I guess I will have to review whether this can work anymore or whether working with her has run its course.
But right now I'm feeling positive. We have cleared the air, drawn a line under the last couple of weeks where we were both quite baffled by the other one's behaviour and I am really hopeful about this new opportunity that seems to have opened up for us to try to dig around a bit into the more sensitive content again.
Thank you for all the support on this thread - and other related threads. It is much appreciated and really helped me not to go completely bat shit crazy during what was a very stressful time. I know I still haven't properly calmed down since the hospital but, since my session, things are starting to feel a bit more settled. I just feel utterly exhausted and emotionally drained, so I have just spent the last couple of days trying to relax and be kind to myself. And now I'm just going to try to focus a bit more on my physical recovery - have got my first physio session this afternoon!
Thanks everyone!
- Post starter
- #24
barefoot
Diamond Member
Thanks @Bearlinda
Yes, definitely relieved. Now just trying to more fully recalibrate!
Yes, definitely relieved. Now just trying to more fully recalibrate!
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