Hating Myself For Not Being Able To Say It...

[PDH]

I'm glad you liked the analogy, it was actually in a novel. It was in a twist I didn't see coming...

This means a lot today @A little lost
Thank you for thinking of me.
I'm sorry you had your ass kicked. spend some time to rest before you dust yourself off and go into battle again. And you will eventually win the war.

I brought my demons into the light yesterday. As much as I know I needed to do it, and in the long run it will mean peace for me, right now I'm suffering. Its like I ripped open an artery in a doctors office, where its safe and ok...but now just had to wrap a tourniquet around it and walk into the world with blood spurting and just try and apply enough pressure to get through to next week.

Right now though, I need to pull myself together after a night of horrible flashbacks and little sleep. I need to put on my "normal" mask and go to work where I need to be caring, nurturing and in control. I think its going to be a long day.

Hang in there @A little lost
I'll be thinking of you.

 

[A little lost]

This means a lot today @A little lost
Thank you for thinking of me.
I'm sorry you had yo...

Just know as you go through today and this week that there are people here who care and are standing with you, even if you can't see us. I might be a bit battered and wrecked myself at the moment but it doesn't stop me from hoping you are doing ok and thinking about you.
Now you have told your T, those demons will be crashing at your defences trying to make you feel that way all over again....the difference now is that you aren't on your own anymore.
You are stronger than you even realise. Well done for your strength and courage .... I don't know you, but I am proud of you being able to get past that wall of fear and shame! Every time the flashbacks and memories hit you....just remember these are parting shots and I am still proud of you and wishing you strength.
I'll be ok once I work out what actually happened at my counselling session, things went sideways pretty damned fast. I now have a fortnight before my next one as my T is "taking a break to recharge her batteries".
This is going to be a rough fortnight.
Take care of yourself @PDH and I'll still be cheering you on from the invisible sidelines.

 

[zoie33]

@A little lost, please know that I am in your corner and I hope you're able to fight those demons and bring them to the light soon. It is so worth it. I know I fought the battle for a long time and it's so liberating once you purge your soul of The Evil Within. You will get there in your own time.

@PDH I am so proud of you I know it is very very difficult to do. While I am still mortified about everything I told my therapist a week ago, I went in Tuesday and it was as if nothing had changed. He did not show any judgment or treat me differently. If anything he is more understanding of where I've been and where I need to go. He also decided to push me to tackle one of the big demons I brought out. He said of course it was up to me but he encouraged me to tackle one of the biggies in EMDR. I was not ready but I know it needs to be done if I am to ever get better. I try to look at it in the way that what is scarier staying in the hell I'm at right now we're going through a little more pain working through it and having a better life on the other side. I have already survived the past what is a little more pain at this point and I want to get to the happiness on the other side. He was so kind and gentle. I dissociated before we even started but he took his time in bringing me back and he was there with me every step of the way. We didn't get far but it was a start. The first baby step on my journey to finally healing. Every great battle starts with the first blow. I'm so glad I took the initiative in starting that war last week.
Your analogy was very fitting but at least now your therapist knows the wounds that they are really dealing with and they can begin to help you fully heal. I pray you find the courage to join him in that battle. I like to think that it can only get better from here. All of our cards are on the table and we're now working on an even playing field with our therapists. I'm sure that they too are happy that we provided them the ammunition they need to help us move forward in fighting this battle.
I will be thinking about you. Take care. Rest up for what comes ahead. You can do it I know you can.