Relationship My Fiance Suffers From Chronic Ptsd And My Family Does Not Approve Of Him.

[Fearless13]

Hi everyone
My story is quite complicated... my fiance retired from the marine corp about a year ago and has severe complex PTSD, not only from his deployment but from a very traumatic and violent childhood.
He has horrible panic attacks and anxiety and violent outbursts when he's triggered; but when he is happy, our life is wonderful and I can visualize what our family could be like when we marry. He is a sweet, kind, intelligent man and I love him a lot.
My family doesnt know a lot about his past, but they consider him not good enough for me, they are constantly afraid about his mood and dont approve of him or our engagement. They dont understand why i would waste my life with someone "broken".
Other aspect to consider is the fact that we are currently living in South America (where I am from) and we plan to move to the US in a few months to marry... and I am anxious, and dont know what to expect.
Does therapy work in this cases of complex PTSD? He is willing to start with therapy.. is it going to get better?
Is his violence going to dissapear? How are we going to raise children if they dont?

He makes me a better person, and I love him but i dont know how to help him!

 

[Sweetpea76]

When you say violence, do you mean physical violence?

 

[Fearless13]

Sometimes he throws things around the house and hits himself... Never to others

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Oh dear, I'm in a similar boat. Our situation is very similar - and likewise, the "violence" in question is like - breaking a cabinet door off its hinge cuz he slammed it so hard, or dumping the contents on the freezer all over the floor during a trigger event, etc. He has NEVER hurt me, never hurt anyone since I've known him. My husband has a very tender heart, and lives by the motto "Be kind to the creature" - but watch out if he is confronting a bully.

Which leads to the issue of my family - cuz while they'll never admit it, they do bully me. And they definitely do not approve of my husband - something only worsened for us in the last few months since the wedding. BUT, our family problems run WAY deeper than whether or not I chose this man - LOVE of my life, and also SO GOOD to and for me. :inlove:

As I see it, my husband and I work through his triggers, I help where I can, but he has to work through a lot of stuff on his OWN and of his own initiative - I can help calm him, if I'm around, but that's about as far as I can take responsibility. (My tendency is to want to be in more control of his healing because I so want good for him, but I'm kinda more preaching to myself by limiting the levels of my "responsibility" on this aspect.)

And his being as blunt/brash as he is? Well, family dears, you just don't LIKE the fact that he's calling out our sh*t, so you're making him the villain. When fact is, he's been the best equipped to recognize and address your "issues" BECAUSE of his own past issues, he SEES it for what it is and can't tolerate the pretense, especially while doing so only further consequences me, and by extension, him!

We're still working through this, but I know I have seen my husband heal by leaps and bounds! His anger is less (except now where my family is actively offending), his "triggers" WAY more manageable. In our case, unconditional love inside our relationship was a HEALING factor - the power of which we could never have anticipated.

If your guy is as good as you say? I'd encourage you to hang in there - I determined LONG ago my man is WORTH it, and my family is way more the problem than they realize, and I just have had to work through some serious "realistic expectations" and "healthy boundaries" issues for MYSELF so as not to usher the threat directly to my husband's feet.

It is NOT easy, neither is caring for a spouse in a wheelchair, or managing unruly in-laws in ANY relationship!, but I think we're on the wiser and healthier and, yes, even more righteous path, here. (I don't mean to offer much in the way of advice, cuz I just don't know enough of your story, but I certainly can relate, and wish you the best!)

~WU

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

PS - on the question of having kids - we are both older than normal for first time marrieds (I'm 40, he's almost 50). We would LIKE to have kids, but we ask ourselves about this all the time, because even if he's not hurting THEM, something like him going ballistic on the freezer and throwing everything all over the floor WOULD be traumatizing for a child, and while I can help calm him, I can't be with him 24/7. So I can't really give you any answers on that one - except we do pray about it a lot, and as I said above, I have seen him improve a LOT over the years. In part because we work to give HIM the tools he needs to work on better ways to calm HIMSELF, but we are far from perfect. :) I suppose part of the answer will lie in how willing your fiancé is to do the hard work to heal. I'd love to hear more from you on this as you work through it. :)

~WU

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can't go into this thinking he is going to be fixed or cured. While therapy can help some sufferers, others have a harder time. This may be as good as it gets. It may deteriorate and get worse.

You cannot help him and you cannot fix him. All you can do is support. He has to work on himself, and you're just along for the ride.

You have to decide for yourself - if this is as good as it's ever going to be, am I happy with the situation?

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Good point, @Sweetpea76 :)

I'll echo the same, by way of another PS, @Fearless13 -

Cuz I didn't "go into this" with my husband thinking I was only in love with the man I hoped he may someday become. I loved him AS HE IS, the rest is mostly "Ok, HOW will we get through this/manage this new challenge?" etc. When I say "unconditional love" - that's what I mean. :) So yes, he is much better, but my desire to be WITH him wasn't predicated on whether he "got better" -

RATHER - My desire to help him GET better was predicated on my great LOVE for him and wanting HIM to feel happier, healthier, more-whole. And he has loved me the same way .... So the "better" is cause for cheering, but if he gets worse (which he has, lately), I suppose I see it as a challenge to be better about HOW I love him - which also means sometimes having to be willing to let him be alone to figure stuff out .. :( We love by sacrificing for each other, but we also weigh regularly how much is GOOD to sacrifice and where we need to have healthy boundaries with each other, too! All of which, come to think of it, you might find helpful if you were to consider receiving therapy or counseling for yourself, also - More often where I have been prone to think my husband's PTSD has been the problem, it's been my RESPONSE to it (or even my being the trigger!) that has needed to be corrected .. We just keep working on ourselves and STAY committed to each other, NO. MATTER. WHAT. :)

 

[Powder]

Your family has a concern maybe based upon what you have told them.

Knowing what I know now, I am not sure how I feel about having children with PTSD. I think having a family with PTSD is possible, but it will control everything about that family in so many ways that I have seen others live with and my own family that I simply think you must realize that PTSD is a 100% thing. All or nothing, 24-7. You have to be ready for that.

I do think what you want is possible, but I think you should sit down with your fiance and your family with a wise counselor and talk things through; let the truth come out now, not later. I also advise your fiance and anyone with PTSD to give themselves plenty of time to emotionally process and rationally think through the changes they are undertaking in their lives. Change, even good change, is very scary for those with PTSD. It can cause a crisis.

I advise you to not set your PTSD sufferer to FAIL by allowing conflict in your family of origin and Him to ensue. I also think you need to date longer, get more support outside family with trained PTSD therapists, and to take the changes step-by-step, very slowly and to tell the PTSD sufferer everything in advance, repeatedly, in both verbal and in writing, and from multiple people, so he doesn't ever feel tricked, deceived, or manipulated. Since he has childhood abuse, he will suspect everyone and have lots and lots of trust issues. Be prepared to be very honest, very helpful, and very good at planning and limiting chaos for him or do not get involved at all. Keep him honest and expect him to reciprocate, too. He is not allowed to not follow the rules you set up for both of your peace of mind.

That is my experience and advice, but I encourage you to think your own situation through and reflect on what you need to be happy and if my advice is any help to you both or not. Please feel free to repeat anything I said to your fiance and see what he thinks. I offer only my experience, and he is free to disagree with anything I said because his life is a different experience. And no two people with PTSD are identical, even though we suffer with very predictable and similar problems; those problems can be experienced in unique ways.

I hope for the best for you both, and God bless your process and thank you for considering being a good spouse and forever friend to someone like me, who had a miserable childhood and deserves hope.

 

[Gamergirldelux]

I would try and get him into therapy right away and maybe medication if he's willing to help with the emotions. You are such a wonderful person for loving him regardless of his life. Nothing is ever broken it just needs a little bit of love to fill in the cracks. If your family has a strong opinion about him which it seems they do. Explain to them and tell them why he is the way he is. And if they can't or won't understand then they shouldn't have any say in your love life

 

[Sighs]

Nothing is ever broken it just needs a little bit of love to fill in the cracks.

This ^^^ is a very dangerous mentality to have when entering into a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. Sadly, no amount of love will "cure" PTSD.

 

[Gamergirldelux]

This ^^^ is a very dangerous mentality to have when entering into a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. S...

Never ever said there was a cure. I just want people to know it's not hopeless. People can have good days again.