After therapy

[Teamwork]

I haven't seen t for a month. He was away. Saw him today and now I'm in a huge battle to keep us safe. Can hear inside what someone wants to do and I don't get the reason why . For a month I haven't had to be careful. What does going to see t have to do with such violent thoughts that I have to be careful another part doesn't act out. It's really frightening so I thought I could come talk here.

 

[Friday]

My big accomplishment Wednesday was not breaking my hand... By not punching a wall. Twice. Which was an even bigger warning sign for me that I needed to go blow off some stress. Now. Or risk falling apart, melting down, or blowing up.

I wasn't really aware I was that close to the edge until it happened. Smiling leaving the office, I thought I was fine... But between the door and the elevator? It was a very, very difficult thing to get myself in hand. I've broken my hands on walls before, or I don't expect I'd have been able to pull myself up short.

Ditto, it took a lot more work than I expected to blow off enough steam that I wasn't seconds away from violence. Exercise. Food. Super loud music / sensory overload. Grounding. Meds. & Sleep. Even then? I've been off for the past few days. Edgy. Short. Scattered. Touchy. Insecure. Switching back and forth between emotional & emotionless. :wtf: The whole unstable carousel of fun.

The PTSD Cup - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Explained

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Wow! This must be "therapy fun week." We mostly talked in my session about current events and then I get back in my life and have a bunch of the worst trauma flashbacks ever and a new piece enters changing some stuff. Can't decide whether to blame my rapist or myself for giving up the fight. Already had one borderline self harm, a crying breakdown, thoughts of going underwater in my pool at 1 am to experience peace, a violent drawing of my rapist being surrounded by claws reaching up from hell, a bunch of soulless faces or snakes, and I sent a pm to a friend on here and I signed my real name without even realizing it or what I wrote til later. So... yes, therapy stirs the pot. My T usually praises my "good work" after weeks like this. She says once you process all of the shi$ it won't have any power or a hold over you. Since you are dealing with "parts" I don't know how you handle one of them getting dangerous. Is there any way to explain to her/him that the violence affects everyone? Please call your T or a hotline if the violence is out of your control.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

My big accomplishment Wednesday was not breaking my hand... By not punching a wall. Twice. Which was an...

Thank you for the link. It helped me understand this insanity!

 

[Teamwork]

The link helped too. I sometimes think, like today, that therapy is dangerous. I went, I came home and I have had too much to deal with to stay safe. I don't go again for two weeks. If I didn't think to post here today I wouldn't have had anyone to ask about this. It makes me feel crazy but also on guard.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

If you can contact your therapist, between appointments, maybe you should. Tell T what is going on!

 

[Teamwork]

My big accomplishment Wednesday was not breaking my hand... By not punching a wall. Twice. Which was an...

What is it with the hand? I asked myself this over and over today as the image kept coming to break it, mostly a violent one to do with a hammer. I couldn't understand tand the intensity of this desire.

 

[One step at a time]

I saw this for the first time last week, and it helped me so much - I ended up quoting it to T and having a conversation about safety
Safe Trauma Recovery

If 8 minutes is too long right now, the part that really stuck with me starts at 4:12.

 

[Teamwork]

That is really good. Made me wonder about strategies? I have not heard him give me strategies for home. I do recognize that he says when things get difficult in session, lets slow that down. I listened to the video and wondered what am I supposed to be doing in between sessions? Also what did I get out of today's session. Somehow made me wonder if im getting anywhere?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I saw this for the first time last week, and it helped me so much - I ended up quoting it to...

Now I know why we ended up talking about margaritas at my last appointment. She needed to defizz me. Also, sometimes she checks back for understanding and I can't remember what she said. Guess a clue to me being stuck in trauma mode.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

That is really good. Made me wonder about strategies? I have not heard him give me strategies for home. I...

I get so tornadoed in my thoughts, they don't really sort for a day or two after therapy. Maybe that is where you are or you could be too overwhelmed to deal right now.

 

[Sandstone]

What does going to see t have to do with such violent thoughts that I have to be careful another part doesn't act out.

For me, it is because stability, sanity and survival depended on keeping stuff locked away. For years it was safely hidden. Now you are getting it out, perhaps that part thinks it is fighting for survival. Our minds partition off the knowledge of trauma for a reason, and it might take time for the whole to catch up with the idea that it is safe to admit to it now.