T will never know

[Deleted member 38906]

My T will never know the bottomless pit of my despair. She will never know and I will never say. Actions speak louder than words, dont they? Truth. I've been treading so close to the edge these days. All I want to do is take an overdose of my painkillers and call 911. No I don't want to die. How could I die, when I've already gone. I didn't live those lives. I'm a ghost now. Ghosts have feelings too... Casper did. I just want her to know how I feel. I want to see and feel her concern for me. I want to feel it to my core. a selfish way to think, I know. How could I? She's been nothing but kind and nice to me. But how do I fill this hunger I feel? I'd pay hundreds and risk my life just to feel her concern..just for a moment, for a split second. That's all I want. All I ever wanted. For someone safe to care. Someone like her.

If I were to do it, would the hospital be obliged to inform my T, considering that I'm over 18? Anyone know how the system works?

 

[Muted]

I get that feeling of despair, but it seems really cruel to put your t through that, just to be assured she cares. I'm sure your t does care, but she also has to take care of herself otherwise she won't be able to live her own life and also help her clients.

I want my t during the times I feel despair, because she has always been safe for me and it's like she's the only one in my world who's earned that place and can comfort all of my parts that hurt the worst. Unfortunately, they don't always hurt the worst at the right scheduled times and so they just try to get through it.

I think it would be so hard to be a t, because they obviously have the heart to help, but they can't be everything to everybody all of the time.

 

[Deadman]

Are you wanting to know so you can attempt suicide and have your T find out?

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Are you wanting to know so you can attempt suicide and have your T find out?

Yup

 

[Deadman]

So do you have a plan?

 

[Deleted member 38906]

So do you have a plan?

I would OD. It's just a thought at this point, I don't actually plan on doing it... It's just how I feel and what I think about. I don't want to hurt my T. I just feel like that's how I can express myself best.

 

[Deadman]

OK. So why is that way better than just saying what you feel?

 

[Deleted member 38906]

I get that feeling of despair, but it seems really cruel to put your t through that, just to be assured...

I'm not cruel. Im just being honest about how I feel and what I've been thinking about. It also hurts my T when I talk about my trauma. I dont think im being cruel by sharing with her...

 

[Deleted member 38906]

OK. So why is that way better than just saying what you feel?

I feel like my feelings would be taken more seriously if I actually took action.

 

[Deadman]

It also hurts my T when I talk about my trauma.

Do you think talking or attempting suicide would more cruel to your T?

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Do you think talking or attempting suicide would more cruel to your T?

Neither. Why would any of those things be cruel to her. She barely knows me!

 

[Deadman]

If she barely knows you and you aren't being cruel why do you think it hurts her?