Feeling trapped by shame.

[Odi]

I need to voice something that I can't physically say to anyone. Warning: this may be graphic and I apologise sincerely. Please don't read if it might cause you a problem...I don't want to cause anyone here any distress.

I feel totally trapped by shame....I think it can be described as shame but I'm not sure. I need to describe the reaction I have to see if this is what people say is shame. It's how you feel when you try to say something about sexual acts you were unwillingly involved in....and you are fighting to not just curl into a foetal position as tight as you can get, throw up and tear your skin off all at once. Just reading or hearing the name of an act can set off that burning horrific filthy self destruction.....saying it....or even saying the word describing forced sex (r..e) when referring to myself can cause it to happen. When this reaction hits me happens I usually end up finding a bathroom or toilet cubicle to lock myself in and curl up until the storm of memories starts to lift.....then I feel stupid for being a full grown adult behaving like that.
I was brought up in a family that did the Christian church thing, were active prominent faces in the church. I had all the scripture lessons etc, so learned all about chastity and virginity being kept until after marriage. It was being driven home that sex was bad and filthy , yet the same people were making me do it and allowing others to do the same. I almost led a double life...I truly believed in Jesus and God and the bible but at the same time knew I was a whore and was nothing more to God than the people of Sodom and Gomorrah that God obliterated.
I was abused going back earlier than I properly remember. I have hard evidence that proves it even though I don't remember too much, I get little snippets of memory of the worst moments happening.
I don't know how to phrase the next bit because no matter how I try to learn the terminology I struggle to fully grasp it or apply it to myself.
My memory flashbacks which currently seem to be on a hair trigger are led by sensations. This is where the feeling trapped thing comes in....sorry it's taken me a while to get here. I am struggling to eat and am dropping weight quite fast at the moment, even my counsellor commented this morning that I look thinner. I decided today was the day to tell her What is going on with the eating thing. My appetite is absolutely subzero, and forcing myself to eat is making my problem worse as I also have an issue with being forcefed when I was small. Anyhow, back to what I was saying...sorry , I AM trying to stay on topic. I tried to tell my counsellor this morning about the issue with eating and the reason. I told her how even small nibbles of things, or soup or meal replacement drinks are still doing it. I tried to say it straight out, try and catch my thinking brain off guard...but ended up with my gag reflex kicking in. I couldn't help but sit and think.....you KNOW what I am trying to say...please....just say the words, you can't be that dense that you don't know what I'm not able to vocalise ....say it for me!! She said to try to write it, which is something I've done before once, so I tried that and couldn't hold the pencil because I was shaking too much. In the end I tried what I've done before in typing it into a notebook app. It was absolutely ridiculous!!! When I finally started to type I caught myself trying to hide the screen from her!! What a bloody muppet I am!!! I was hiding a screen that I was typing these filthy words on, when I was going to be handing it to her to ready anyway!!!! What the hell is wrong with my head?!?? As it was , after typing it I bolted for the bathroom because my stomach was heaving and I needed to get out of the room. She read them and the tried to get me to expand on exactly what about that act was causing the problem with eating....as if she is totally clueless...I just wanted to scream at her "use your imagination ffs! ". She wants me to find a way to be able to explain next time as it just didn't happen....her just seeing what I wrote was enough for me..I ended up a wreck again!!!
I am going to type the words here....just as a practice....I really hope this is ok....sorry....
Erm ...just got to get this out and I am so sorry...
forced oral sex in a simultaneous multi man situation stopping screaming and free breathing. now struggling with the sensation of anything in my mouth or at the back of my throat....
How do I get past this so I can eat please? Any suggestions at all.
I need to go get some air right now!...sorry

 

[Odi]

Sorry....kind of lost it at the end there...
Ok, ..
Please could anyone possibly suggest anything I could read or something about how to deal with :
1) The whole visceral shame reaction thing that is making getting any of this out nigh on impossible
2) How to be able to start stomaching the practical aspect of eating.....does anyone know how to shut the memory sensation thing off even temporarily? My Dr isn't a possibility and my counsellor just said see me next week even though she made comment about my recent weight loss and wants me to expand and explain next week.
This is something that I just can't shake since the nightmares have restarted about this particular event in my life.

 

[Ivowud]

Hi Odi. I was also forced to have oral sex. It is horrific.

Thankfully, I don't deal with the issue of having things in my mouth, but when having a lot of memories/flashbacks - I can feel it there.

What you are dealing with certainly is shame. And it is also triggers/flashbacks.

I don't deal/cope very well out of my T's office - I ruminate a lot, or obsess about things. I try to write stuff done.

I also do see my T twice a week which helps, is that an option?

(hugs) if you accept.

 

[Ahef]

I vomit frequently and have trouble eating due to this act. I also have severe shame. Mine is even worse than yours bc i did it w/o a gun to my head, if you know what i mean. I did it but did not want to, just to appease. This causes me severe shame. I also struggle because of spiritual beliefs, which is why i feel condemned and evil. I believe that i can be forgiven and am trying to focus on that. But i feel for you, bc i have similar struggles. My "problem" was several years ago, but i am just now confronting it, so all the reactions are coming back for me. I'm sorry you are struggling so much, but try to ask for and receive forgiveness. We have a merciful God.

 

[Bojah]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much, but try to ask for and receive forgiveness. We have a merciful God.

She has done nothing that would warrant forgiveness.

Neither have you.

A good that would allow these things to happen is not merciful at all.

 

[Odi]

I'd like to just clarify that none of it was my choice, I was an unwilling participant.

I was also forced to have oral sex. It is horrific.

Thankfully, I don't deal with the issue of having things in my mouth, but when having a lot of memories/flashbacks - I can feel it there.

What you are dealing with certainly is shame. And it is also triggers/flashbacks.

Thank you for sharing this with me and for clarifying the definitions. This may sound wrong on every level, but it's comforting to know that you really understand...I'm sorry that it's through experience, I hope you know what I'm saying there.
It confuses me greatly that it is that aspect of the events of that particular night that is causing most difficulty....not that I am even going to attempt to say any of the rest of it, the shame would absolutely send me over the edge!!!! I said enough yesterday.

When you say that you can still feel it in the flashbacks, how do you deal with that? Or does it eventually work itself ?

I vomit frequently and have trouble eating due to this act. I also have severe shame. Mine is even worse than yours bc i did it w/o a gun to my head, if you know what i mean.

How do you deal with your trouble eating? Or is it that manage to you force yourself to eat and then it bounces later making you vomit?

I'm glad you still have a faith of sorts if it gives me you comfort....I don't even know what I think anymore . With respect, it's a debate and subject I am not in a good mental place to be able to handle.

She has done nothing that would warrant forgiveness.

Neither have you.

A good that would allow these things to happen...

Thank you.

 

[Odi]

*eventually work itself out.
Ivowud, I forgot to answer your question. going twice a week isn't an option.

 

[Eto]

She read them and the tried to get me to expand on exactly what about that act was causing the problem with eating....as if she is totally clueless...I just wanted to scream at her "use your imagination ffs! ".

I did about 100 -rough estimate, might be 2 or 3 times that- different pieces of exposure therapy in regards to oral sex. A huge number of them food related. Because I kept coming across different aspects that tripped me out. So, from experience, it's really not an insane question. There were big pieces that took awhile and I had to work myself up to, and smaller pieces that took hardly any time at all. In part because they never really bothered me as much as the big pieces, and in part because I'd already sorted out the big pieces. So it was just cleanup hitting at that point.

Did a super abbreviated overview of that process here >>>

Rape/exposure Therapy

 

[Odi]

I did about 100 -rough estimate, might be 2 or 3 times that- different pieces of exposure therapy in regards to oral sex....

Thank you so much. I am in awe and have total respect for you, you are a very strong and amazing lady. What you wrote in that link is so valuable and gives me something I can work at, because I have to do something and fast. Even if I can't say it or deal with the memories of that particular night, I've got to find someway of being able to tolerate the sensations as this rapid weight loss and lack of food is going to put me in hospital. You have given me hope that I might be able to get over this stupid reaction even though I know it is going to be a difficult thing to do.
I wish I could be like other people and just say this stuff...I feel so stupid not being able to even say the words without trying to run away from it.
I've not been capable of reading all that you wrote in your linked overview but I am going to persevere and do my best. Taking it slowly. I really don't know why it is hitting me so hard at the moment, the nightmares and memories of that single night are very very real right now. I think it might be because I am actively having to find ways/make up to cover physical scars from events done to me that night now that we are in warmer weather. I wish I could just say it all and then deal with it ....but I am a coward and go into a sort of self destruct mode before I can.
I read things on this forum and feel weak and stupid for being so pathetic.
Anyway.....Thank you, there is a glimmer of hope that I can maybe get back to shutting off this particular sensation trigger.
I've never been able to go to a dentist because I end up in full panic attack...one day I might be able to think about working on that the same way.
Thanks again.

 

[Azida]

I need to voice something that I can't physically say to anyone. Warning: this may be graphic and I apologise sincerely....

Can I start by saying you are a damned hero. I worked with a woman who was abused from the age of 6 till she was 16 and then ran away from home. Thankfully, today, she is a strong successful woman in her own right. We achieved this using hypnotherapy and a form of cognitive therapy. She is now nearly 50 and the last I heard is about to start a relationship with a divorcee. He has 2 children and she is behaving like a love struck teenager. Beautiful to hear.

She was abused by her father and some “ uncles “. ( vaginal , oral and anal sexual abuse ) When I got her strong enough to fight her corner, everyone was against her but she held her head up and stood her ground. Sadly she didn’t get her day in court because the father committed suicide before it got to that stage. After he died the full extent of his abuse ( number of victims ) was revealed and a lot of people had to apologise to her.

Everything he did to her seemed to remove a small part of her which made her smaller and smaller till she could hardly find herself. Nowadays, every time she succeeds at something she sees it as getting a little bit of herself back.

I know of some people who have been sexually abused who saw the abuse as a form of love and therefore occasionally welcomed it. IT WAS STILL ABUSE. No child should ever be put in that position. It is also understandable to have mixed emotions. This was a parent without whom you would not be here but you have got to realise that this happened to you, you didn’t volunteer for it. And finally, you are not a whore, they are rapists and abusers.

 

[Ahef]

She has done nothing that would warrant forgiveness.

Neither have you.

A good that would allow these things to happen...

I just want to clarify, I was speaking for myself receiving forgiveness, not anyone else. I guess I felt that even if nothing was done wrong, the forgiveness would heal the shame??? I am not trying to point out wrong-doing, just trying to heal my own shame. Please forgive me if I am speaking out of turn. I certainly judge no one. I judge myself having shame and felt that receiving forgiveness would heal the shame. Perhaps i am totally messed up on this, and i just need healing?? I feel really bad now for posting at all, as i did not want to make anyone feel worse in their situation. I guess i was just trying to figure out how to make myself feel better...

 

[Ucah]

I certainly judge no one. I judge myself having shame and felt that receiving forgiveness would heal the shame.

But you have done nothing that you need to be forgiven for. Your shame is not due to doing anything wrong; you feel ashamed because other people, through their actions, have told you that you are a person who should be ashamed of themselves.

They lied. No amount of forgiveness will heal you - you haven't done anything to forgive. You need to somehow see yourself as a person who feels ashamed for things beyond your control. You don't have to be ashamed of things that were out of your control.

Maybe there is a God, but if he is a good god, he would never condemn you, or anyone, for actions beyond their control.