My bff is best friends with the person who assaulted me

[wintermaximoffs]

Hello. I'm 17-y/o and female. Three months ago I was seeing someone I liked. One night, we were just kissing in my car and I stopped to try and adjust my position because it was hurting my neck. As I did this, he started taking off my bra and underwear. I started to panic, but I didn't stop him. I didn't want to make him feel bad or awkward, so my clothes came off. I'm a virgin, and I didn't feel ready to go further than kissing. So, without asking or any verbal communication, he went down on me. I began having a panic attack and became lightheaded. I didn't want to seem weird by asking him to stop, so after the initial panic passed, I faked an orgasm just so he would stop. He stopped and I kept the conversation as normal as possible. He was offended that I didn't return the favor, and told me that he didn't want to see me anymore. Ultimately, I felt taken advantage of. My best friend was also friends with him, and she hardly consoled me when I was upset about the break up. She would hang out with him instead of me and tell me to "just move on." Since then, he's been extremely mean to me and even followed me around town with his friends. When I told my best friend that her being around him made me uncomfortable and frustrated, she told me if I really felt assaulted I should seek counseling and help instead of forcing her to stop being friends with him. What should I do? I don't want to lose a friend over a horrible boy.

 

[anthony]

I'm sorry, but everything you have written above, is not assault. You had consensual sex, and by admission, at no stage did he force himself, at no stage did you say NO, at no stage did you give him the opportunity. You were both in a car, you willingly allowed him to undress you, go down on you, still said nothing, went on your way, and here you are -- now claiming assault.

Honestly, I think you need some local counselling to help yourself. You are projecting your reaction to your first time experience onto your partner, who at no stage did you above tell them to stop, or NO. Here you are claiming assault.

Being pissed off after the fact is a teen thing. You're a teenager, so I suspect your partner is also young.

Sorry, but you're claiming to be a victim from a situation that clearly does not depict it. You have a sexual experience you didn't want to have, after the fact, at no time giving the other person the chance to stop by you saying stop or no, to them.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I'm sorry that @anthony has spoken to you in this manner. He's not a woman, and therefore doesn't know how we feel in situations as you have described. You have ever right to feel the way that you do. Scared, upset, uncomfortable, anxious, all understandable emotions.

Your friend isn't your friend. I would take another look at this friendship and try to figure out if it's really worth saving.

Yes, the jerk that you were with, WAS using you. He got what he wanted and has moved on. He's a player and not worth your time.

I'm sorry you went through this. Be greateful that nothing more happened.

 

[anthony]

Oh... I don't disagree guys can be dicks. Had plenty of times in life, especially younger years, doing just that. But that does not change my view that you should not be claiming assault for consensual sex.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@anthony You are missing the whole point here. It WASNT a consensual sex. She was scared out of her mind and didn't/couldn't say NO!!!!! Many women go through this. The fear just stops them dead in their tracks and they go along because of it..... I agree man can be and are dicks at times.....

 

[anthony]

She is a virgin, so there is no pre-existing history of sexual abuse. Being scared of sex though does not give a person the right to later claim assault. This person is claiming the male assaulted them, sexually, when at no stage did they say STOP or NO to the man. Can the man read her mind? If yes, then sure, he assaulted her. If not, which is what I suspect, then he did not.

There is no mention of penetrative sex (penis)... only oral sex. Nothing mentioned about being drunk. Na da.

I'm sorry... but whilst it may have been a horrible experience for her, which I am not judging that aspect, she should not be calling it assault. Specifically, that is sexual assault, aka, rape.

There is no way this is rape based on what is admitted above. Sorry... I totally disagree with the use of assault being used. This guy, whilst being an immature dick wad after the fact, at no stage thought there was anything but consensual sex happening. After the fact, how a person feels, whether they shutdown during something, is not reason to call assault when at zero stage they say NO or STOP. Everything after those words is assault if not followed by a continue by either party.

 

[Friday]

I didn't want to make him feel bad or awkward, so my clothes came off.

That's not assault. That's pity coupled with lousy self confidence & terrible boundaries.

I didn't want to seem weird by asking him to stop, so after the initial panic passed, I faked an orgasm just so he would stop.

And that's embarrassment coupled with passive aggressive manipulation. Also not assault.

He was offended that I didn't return the favor, and told me that he didn't want to see me anymore. Ultimately, I felt taken advantage of.

Still not assault. So far as to be the opposite. He wanted you to perform a sex act on him, you wouldn't because you didn't want to, and... You didn't. He didn't force you to. He took your "no" as the final word on the matter.

He also broke up with you. Which is fair. No one likes being used for sex, which -looked the other way around- it could easily feel like for him. That you just used him to get off & only cared about your own sexual desires & not your partners. <<< See how MindReading doesn't work? Same situation and perspective one you got used for sex, meanwhile perspective two, he got used for sex. When you're not being up front about how you actually feel? (Like you were when he wanted you to go down on him and you refused) these sorts of things happen. People get their feelings hurt, at best. Was he a dick about it? Sure. But being mad at you for not having sex with him doesn't make him a rapist. Again, it's pretty much the opposite.

 

[barefoot]

I don't really want to get into trying to decipher whether this was a sexual assault or not - that isn't for me to decide, it's not what the OP was asking and, to a point, I think whether it was legally assault or not is irrelevant.

But Anthony, I do feel moved to respond to parts of your last post because your stance feels quite black and white here and so often, assault/abuse/coercion etc isn't. So, not really in relation to the OP in this thread but re sexual assault in general:

She is a virgin, so there is no pre-existing history of sexual abuse.

Are you saying that because someone is a virgin, they cannot have ever been sexually abused/assaulted?

There is no mention of penetrative sex (penis)

Are you saying that unless penetrative sex (with a penis) takes place, there can be no sexual abuse/assault?

at no stage did they say STOP or NO to the man

It is actually very common for people not to say stop or say no or fight back during sexual assaults. It is very common for people to totally freeze. And I would argue that if someone is in a totally frozen, shut down state, they are not actively participating, so actually no mind-reading is required. If you are doing sex/a sexual act TO someone and are not engaged in it WITH someone, I don't think it's rocket science to realise that something is off.

sexual assault, aka, rape.

Perhaps these terms differ legally in different parts of the world. Here, the term sexual assault refers to any kind of unwanted sexual contact including (but not only) rape.

Again, I am not commenting on whether the OP was assaulted or not and I don't ever tend to respond to the numerous posts here where people ask whether something they experienced was assault/rape.

I just find the assumptions you seem to be making about what does and doesn't constitute sexual assault/abuse Anthony rather jarring. Apologies if I have misinterpreted your meaning - I can't get to sleep and am very tired so this is perhaps not the right time for me to be getting into a debate on such a sensitive topic!

Most importantly @wintermaximoffs - this was clearly an upsetting experience for you, which is really bothering you so I would encourage you to talk this through with a counsellor to help you to explore and make sense of your thoughts and feelings around this event.

 

[anthony]

Are you saying that because someone is a virgin, they cannot have ever been sexually abused/assaulted?

No, I'm not. There is no information by the OP about prior sexual abuse to warrant a reaction based on violent sexual assault.

Are you saying that unless penetrative sex (with a penis) takes place, there can be no sexual abuse/assault?

No, I'm not. Sexual assault, in agreement with you here, in USA, Canada, UK and Australia, are all near identical from a legal perspective. All forms of forced sexual content fall under the one umbrella, sexual assault. They add additional identifiers typically, i.e. penetrative sex, so forth.

It is actually very common for people not to say stop or say no or fight back during sexual assaults. It is very common for people to totally freeze. And I would argue that if someone is in a totally frozen, shut down state, they are not actively participating, so actually no mind-reading is required.

It is also common for this reaction without being sexually assaulted, especially for first-time consensual sexual events. The OP has not claimed shutting down, they stated they panicked, it then passed, they then faked an orgasm. The OP is not stating what you are.

My point is very simple: the OP is using the word assault in conjunction with a sexual encounter. That means sexual assault, aka rape. Same definitions legally.

Nothing being stated says rape / sexual assault. @Friday summated the wording accurately.

The male is being perpetrated as a sexual offender, and in this instance, it is totally wrong. Based on what the OP has stated, are you saying @barefoot that this male should be charged for sexual assault? Because the OP panicked, at no stage did she "shut down" as you used, but she felt panicked (her words), then calmed, made an active decision to not say STOP or NO to the guy, and instead faked an orgasm to bring the event to cessation. He thought everything was mutual, obviously, and was then baffled why nothing further took place. He did not force himself at any time upon her. She did not say STOP or NO at any time.

She is embarrassed, sure. She feels guilty for not acting differently / for having oral sex. She feels distressed for him being a douche after the fact and bad mouthing her.

Is this man a sexual predator? A rapist? If you answer yes to that, back it up based on OP statements and not your own interpretations of freeze or such, which the OP has not used. Panic was used, a panic attack, then calm, thought, not wanting to upset him, at no stage saying no or stop, but calmly allowing the encounter to continue with control, all the time letting this guy believe everything is ok.

Is my view disturbing? I don't believe so. I call a spade a spade when it comes to information about sexual assault. Add more info by the OP that eludes to assault, I will absolutely change my mind. Until then... assault should not be used, as this was not sexual assault.

The OP is more concerned about their friend being friends with the boy, than it seems the event itself. WTF?

 

[Abigail7]

Is it possible that terms are being changed over time? I mean kids these days are using the word "trigger" for things that are mildly upsetting and in a completely different realm from a true psychological trigger. Is it possible that this is what's happening to the term sexual assault, that any sort of regretful sexual contact is now being termed an assault? A dumbing down of terms if you will. Just thinking out loud. Not a true parallel but I think my point is clear.

OP since you're unable to be in sexual situations and say no, it's your responsibility to keep yourself out of these kinds of situations in order to avoid feelings of being taken advantage of. The guy didn't know you did not want to do those things as he's not a mind reader. The truth is that communication is key. We don't yet live in a "yes means yes" kind of world and in the absence of resistance of any kind, not even saying no, the guy is not going to know that you don't want those advances.

(I'm a female and it makes me mad when guys expect head but don't reciprocate. This scenario goes both ways.)

It is unfair to label guys like this one as sexual perpetrators. Neither sex is mature at this age and you end up with situations like this. Guys who don't know how to verbally ask for what they want and females who can't verbally assert themselves by saying yes or no.

But the OP is more upset over the loss of friendship than this "assault".

 

[scout86]

The way I read the original post, the OP didn't use the word 'assault/assaulted' her friend did. The OP said

, I felt taken advantage of.

That seems like a reasonable way to feel.

 

[anthony]

The way I read the original post, the OP didn't use the word 'assault/assaulted' her friend did.

Title: My bff is best friends with the person who assaulted me