Do i always have to be open?

[candletea19]

With a lot of my family, I am open and honest about what's been going on, and we have a great relationship. Things have been different since my trauma, and especially my diagnosis, but things are good. Things haven't changed negatively and my family lets me know everyday that they're there for support if it's needed. My daughter's grandmother, her father's mother, and I have a great relationship. We are mostly open, though not nearly like I am with my mother, and we text and call each other often.

Since my trauma, I haven't really told her much of what's been going on. She knows about the exact trauma, and she knows I was having some anxiety issues relating to it (she was visiting early last summer, and I was experiencing symptoms then), but since she went back home (she lives a few provinces over), my life has gotten more complicated and my symptoms a lot more severe, and I was officially diagnosed. I haven't told her any of this. She is visiting again this summer, and will be staying with me, and of course we will be spending a lot of time together, but I also can't put my treatment on hold, or put my symptoms or reactions to triggers in my back pocket while she's here. So there will be at least once (depending on how it lines up) that I'll have an appointment with my therapist while she's down. I'll be taking my medication. I'll be showing severe symptoms and reactions...

Do I tell her now, or before she comes? Do I just say I'm not well if she asks if I'm triggered or experience anything while she's there? I'm so conflicted on what to do. Should I tell her, where she's close family and I am mostly open with her with other things? I'm afraid she may not understand at all and it'll haze her view of me, and may cause a rift in our relationship. I feel so lucky to have such a close relationship with a pretty much in-law, but I'm so frustrated over this.

Is it normal to feel guilty about this, as well? I feel like no matter what choice I make regarding this, I'm doing something wrong to our relationship.

Hopefully someone out there has some advice! Thanks in advance!

 

[Deadman]

So if I hear you correctly your choices are;

1. tell someone who has been kind and supportive the truth, that you are struggling, or
2. say nothing and see how you hold up?

What would be the worst outcome of each option?

 

[candletea19]

So if I hear you correctly your choices are;

1. tell someone who has been kind and supportive...

The thing is, this particular person hasn't been supportive, but hasn't been unsupportive either... if that makes sense. With this particular topic anyway. From what I know, she does not have a great understanding of mental illnesses, or at least most of them, and when anxiety is brought up she kind of assumes what's being talked about it the "everyday" variety that people generally get at some point. Not the anxiety that is from a disorder or illness.

I'm just very much afraid that I'll either tell her, and it'll put a rift in our relationship because she won't understand/won't believe it, and will make me feel crappy for experiencing symptoms while she's around.
OR I don't tell her, and then make her feel bad for not opening up to her, or putting a rift in our relationship for not being completely open.

I feel like I'm shit out of luck in either scenario. I'm probably also really over thinking the whole situation, but I really can't help it. :(

 

[scout86]

I think it's pretty common to worry about this kind of thing.

Something you might consider is that, by not telling her, you're driving her of the chance to understand, and be supportive, and maybe even gain a perspective on PTSD that she won't get any other way. It may cause a rift between you, but I'd bet that will happen anyway, I'd she really didn't have it her to be supportive.

 

[candletea19]

I think it's pretty common to worry about this kind of thing.

Something you might consider is that, by...

I suppose you're right. Either way it runs that risk, so I might as well be open with her. The only question is, how? I know over text, or message or something would definitely make it a lot easier, but I dunno. Her knowing now may make it easier when the time comes to see me face-to-face.
I feel like I would overwhelm her, almost. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive, PTSD and Anxiety and Panic disorder. I don't know if it's normal to feel, but I feel like people won't believe me if I tell them my actual diagnosis. If I do tell her, and she doesn't understand, I'm hoping she'll at least be open to hearing me out, instead of judging what she's heard about it all. I love her, but she does get quite set in her belief system haha. Now, I've never heard her put someone down for a difference, but I just worry, that's all. I hate how I'm worrying over something that probably seems so simple and so unimportant.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

If she is elderly she is most likely old school and is ignorant of disorders and symptoms. If she has not really been supportive maybe it will call cause a rift if you confide in her. I understand your concern and maybe it is valid. Do you feel up to this visit or is it an obligation. Whose idea was it? Pretty good but not too supportive is not real clear about what you have in the relationship can you give examples for your concern? If not I wish you the best and others said what they think so trust your gut instinct and go with that.

 

[candletea19]

Sorry, I should give some examples, and explain a bit more in detail. I will try my best.
She is in her 40s (I am in my 20s), and up to this point our relationship has been open, honest, I have been able to go to her with certain everyday problems I have had, and asked for advice. Sometimes I don't take her advice, though ahha. She is quite set in her ways, for example in the sense of how she raised her children, she thinks everyone should raise them that way, and that has caused a little bit of petty tension when it came to my daughter. Her putting in advice when it wasn't asked for, and I would politely say it was something I didn't agree with doing for my daughter (certain discipline methods for example), but there has never been major conflict or stress between us.
She has always cheered me on, when I went back to school, when I'd do something to be proud of, she was always supportive of what I chose to do with my daughter (even if it wasn't completely her belief to do) and all that, so overall she is supportive. But based on the way she has spoken since I've known her, and just the way she talked about certain issues, is what makes me think she doesn't know about mental illnesses. And I would love to help her and teach her what I know, but would she understand or just pretend to understand. Even though she is only in her 40s, it's not uncommon for people her age to still go by what their parents went by, which would cause a misstep in knowledge on this topic.

The visit is something that happens every year since my daughter was born, she will come down, stay with me and will spend a week or so and myself, her, her son, and our daughter will spend time together, and usually have a good time. Sometimes will spend time with some other family while shes down, but not always.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you. All I can suggest is follow your gut instinct on this one and I wish a very good visit in spite of any adversity that may pop up be it your PTSD symptoms etc. I would say go slow and test each answer she gives you to see if there will be no future concerns. I wish you the best in this one, you seem really bright so I know you will make the right choices for yourself and who knows it may turn out okay after all. Good luck.

 

[Deadman]

The way I see it you have a choice between telling the truth and not having her understand or avoiding telling the truth and not having her understand when you have symptoms. Either way the results seem the same. So it is up to you. Which is more important to you?

 

[scout86]

I know over text, or message or something would definitely make it a lot easier,

I don't see anything wrong with a brief explanation in a text or email or something. You mentioned you can't put your treatment on hold. Maybe a brief explanation of what that means for her visit? That way, if she wants to, she can do a little research.

I think worrying about this is common enough to count as 'normal'. I hope the visit goes well and she IS supportive.

 

[candletea19]

Thank you everyone for your support and advice! Luckily she isn't coming down for about 2 months, so I have time to figure out my wording and such. I think I have decided on telling her. Even if it's only a very minimal brief explanation at first. I'm hoping things go well, and if it doesn't.. well, I'm sure if she was rude or anything outrageous to me, her son would have a few words to say. He's been very supportive and understanding. But it will have to be dealt with. Like it was said, if I don't say anything at all, and then say have a panic attack or have a psychologist appointment or anything while she's here, she's not going to have a sweet clue what's going on.
Making decisions are extremely hard for me, even simple ones, so I really do appreciate all of the comments here.