Relationship Verbally attacked at the mall, why doesn't he fight back?

[Abigail7]

I think if anything, not fighting back makes PTSD better!

Fighting back just raises adrenaline, raises cortisol, raises all those bad stress chemicals in our body. De-escalating and moving on is probably the better route much of the time. (Take it from me...)

I also think that PTSD is one of those things where you need to pick your battles. This seems to me to be a lesser battle not worth fighting. I can also see it as being 100% a personality trait that has nothing to do with PTSD, backing down vs fighting battles at every perceived wrong.

 

[Deadman]

I agree with a lot of the other posters here. For me PTSD has made the line between 'standing up for myself' and pounding someone into the dirt too narrow. Its much safer for me, and everyone else around me, for me to feign politeness and leave. I have very narrowly avoided going to jail when my PTSD addled brain didn't recognize the difference between assertiveness and aggression.

 

[lady truck driver]

I suggest not taking him to the mall.

 

[Never_falter2]

Actually I am a bit surprised so many vets are like this. Mine is one and I actually did not want to mention this for the sake of anonymity but it makes sense to mention it in this context. I actually expected to get most replies from spouses whose sufferers aren't vet.
Well... and I told him his behaviour was conduct unbecoming a man and a vet in special, because I used to think they take no bullshit from anybody.

So you think that there is no way he can say "Excuse me, my friend, but we won't be talked like that and I want to talk to your boss", he has to say "Thanks for the information, Sir" (when there was no information but just an angry rant) OR spoil this individuals face and there is no middle ground?

In this case of course I am happy he did not punch his face.

There is a neighbor we have some trouble with. It's a long story. So I greet them when we bump into each other, he and his wife greet us, but we are not overly polite. But my husband... whenever he sees him on the other site of the road he shouts: "A fine good morning, Mr. XXX, Sir. Nice weather, don't you agree, Sir" and then he turns to me and goes "Ugh, him again" and I asked him why he does that he asked me once "What am I supposed to do, would you like me to punch his face".

So you really do those things in order not to punch people's face?

 

[Deanna]

So you really do those things in order not to punch peoples
's face?

I have no idea why he is doing this. Is he medicated? Is he in therapy at all? It sounds like he's trying to control his reactions. buy thinking he is in the service.. or he wants to fight.

Standing in a doorway for long periods of time is redundant.

 

[Never_falter2]

In all honesty I used to think he was like that because he was a unwilling to stand up for himself. Like I wrote, he asked me if I expected him to punch that persons face instead but I thought it was a sort of joke.
Yes, like I wrote, he did therapy.

I know why he "froze", because he struggles with crowds. In the past that was worse then now. There were many people and he could not evaluate what they were up to so quick. He could not see where the other exits were. While he knew that the situation was safe he FELT that it was dangerous to lead his family in a room full of people and without knowing the quickest way out. So he froze until that feeling would lessen. Yes, redundant but sometimes it happens.

 

[Never_falter2]

Oops, sorry. I thought you was saying that I have no idea why he is doing that.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

There is a saying, "never get into a fight with a pig, because you get dirty and the pig enjoys it."...

Whoah, @Justmehere I have that very quote in a frame on my coffee table! And I try and abide by this quote at all costs. Not worth it! to both get dirty, unless I have an incredibly vested interest, which usually is not the case. JJ

 

[dulcia]

Well... and I told him his behaviour was conduct unbecoming a man and a vet in special, because I used to think they take no bullshit from anybody.

Interesting... it's the opposite in my relationship. My vet sees integrity as the strongest takeaway from being a soldier. For him in that situation, integrity would be walking away from the situation. Honestly, I think it's amazing that yours didn't react poorly, even when you were still upset afterwards. I would give anything for my vet to think before he reacts (haha, right?) or at the very least, to take the least destructive road when he reacts.

 

[The Albatross]

Why didn't YOU say, " "Excuse me, my friend, but we won't be talked like that and I want to talk to your boss"??? Pffffftttt... obviously you took it harder than he did. Off this thread.

 

[Never_falter2]

Like I wrote before. He told me several times "Shut up. I'll do the talking" and hushed me.

 

[Never_falter2]

... and every time I mentioned we should complain afterwards he gave me such a "talk to the hand" sign and when I said "I am going to complain now" he stopped me.