Finally cracked and made an attempt, but feel better now?

[Ka-9]

Im a wee bit perplexed actually, so I'd thought I'd see if anyone else had the same occur.

About a month plus ago, I made a suicide attempt, but it was a really subconscious, almost robotic event. It wasn't a clear, conscious decision which is a bit worrying, but regardless, my wife never went to work and called the police instead, seeing my weird state progress... and all worked out in the end.

After it all, I noticed I have more energy, a better mindset, and barely any recollections really.... which confuses me a bit. I was not alarmed, scared or otherwise overly effected by the realization of what I did, unconcerned really.. so I'm not sure why the change.

My wife was very shaken, and it effected her a lot, so is it a bit of guilt or responsibility to her that caused the change? Of just a release of built up "whatever" over the years?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Ka-9 I can fully understand where you are coming from, but can't tell you the why's or what's of it. I have attempted suicide many many times. Very serious attempts where I've been in a coma for days in the hospital. I planned the last one for 4 months, having a will drawn up and getting rid of almost every personal belonging I owned..... Yet when it's all over, I'm fine. The depression has lifted, I'm not suicidal anymore, and everything feels ok. One therapist in a psych ward told me, (with my last attempt) that he felt I used suicide as a coping skill, a very dangerous one, but a coping skill none the less.

I have no idea why or how, only that I get severely depressed, make a serious attempt, and then I'm fine.....

 

[Ka-9]

Thanks for reply shecat, I really appreciate the security that it can catch others off guard as well.


I always told people over the 7 years before this that suicidal ideation were just normal? They just creep in like an insidious fog.... but I could shake myself out of it.

This time I suppose it just settled in too much.

 

[joeylittle]

What you want to be careful of, @Ka-9, is once you've made an attempt - often your point of view about attempting will switch.

Sometimes it's for the better. There are people statistically who survive an attempt and realize that they are deeply grateful for having their attempt be reversed. In other words, they are very glad they did not die.

Others lose part of their fear of trying. It may be because they have beaten the odds once and lose track of the dangers. Or it may be because it was a threshold they've fought against crossing for a long time, and once crossed, it (suicide) seems more possible, somehow.

So, although you feel relief from the pressure right now - it's an important time to double down on your own mental health support and treatment, in whatever ways you can.

It's also very important to safety proof your life. Statistically, second attempts will be at the lethality level of the previous, or they will increase in lethality. Remove your access to as many things you could seriously use against yourself. Removing access to firearms (if you have that) is a very good idea.

 

[Ka-9]

Thanks Joey, excellent points.....never knew those factors.

I thought it all seemed a little too easy. My biggest fear resides in the fact that I don't really recall consciously doing anything.

But I'm much more vigilant now, I'll mention if I feel even the slightest bit concerned. But still wierd.

 

[joeylittle]

One of the things I remember most clearly from my own attempt was feeling like I wasn't really in control of what I was doing. I was pretty numb. But before the numb, it was very bad. It was what I came to think of as 'actual bottom', which was worse than I thought it could go.

After, I was also numb. But it did prompt me to get some real help.

Now, I have an awareness of what I really need to watch out for, in terms of the lows.

If you look at it the right way, it's all just more information about yourself - but definitely (if you can), try and talk it out with a therapist as thoroughly as you can.

 

[anthony]

It wasn't a clear, conscious decision which is a bit worrying

Most aren't planned, they're spur of the moment decisions. They're the most dangerous and usually most likely to succeed, because you're so far down that all you see is no more pain, no more torment, no more problems, on the other side.

Not remembering the event is normal for this. Mine was pretty much exactly what you're describing.

I had no plan, no want or desire to consciously die, yet my depression was super duper out of control, and as I was so new to it all, I was way out of my depth. Control didn't exist. I was listening to doctors who I thought were the experts, I was taking the pills they said would help me. What I found was my then wife coming through the door in the middle of the day, catching me in the act, all because I phoned her, and whatever I said was so peaceful and calm, it scared the shit out of her to rush home immediately. The Army base was just a few minutes by car down the road, so super quick drive when rushed.

I had no plan, yet I found myself taking a camping chair upstairs to the balcony, had a Stanley knife (razor), got a beer from the fridge, sat down, cracked the beer and then had no issues at all in what I was about to do next. I was in this weird dissociative state or serious relaxation and calm with what was coming. Drink a beer, enjoy the view over the river, and die.

I remember fragments of the entire thing, I remember her busting in the door and screaming for me, which snapped me out of it.

I came pretty good after that. I started learning about depression, I got off the pills and started years of work on fixing myself without making myself worse. Everything changed for the better that day. I didn't want to die, I just didn't see any other way out at that time. Again, I was super new to PTSD and depression -- I'm not now. It was bottom. I know what it looks like on the way down now, so I've never gotten there again as I know what to do much earlier from recognising the signs and symptoms.

You aren't alone, but you're not in the clear either IMO. You need to start actively working on how to control your depression your way, and never let yourself get to that point again. Find what works for you and really go at it aggressively to master your control of depression.

 

[Ka-9]

Most aren't planned, they're spur of the moment decisions. They're the most dangerous and usually most like...

Thanks Anthony, I've seen so many suicides over the years.. gives me a different hindsight appreciation now on why they might have done it.

 

[highwaybeauty]

Im a wee bit perplexed actually, so I'd thought I'd see if anyone else had the same occur.

About a month...

It's really interesting you felt "better" after the suicide attempt. Almost like a kettle that has reached boiling point and then switched off. Could it be that as a result of the attempt your wife has realized the amount of pain you are in? Either way the main thing is that you are feeling better for the time being :)

HB x

 

[mylunareclipse]

I have had the exact same thing. I thought that maybe for me was a release or a coping mechanism or sense of control.
A few months ago I got stuck in a flashback where I was very little and my father was strangling me. In this flashback I died. My body was frozen and I couldn't move. To the point that I couldn't understand if I had died how had I still continued to live and grow up? I don't know how true this flashback was. It probably came back more tragic than it actually was, but in those moments something clicked that I was desperately trying to repeat this act of dying in the exact same way and finding the same relief. Don't know if our brains go back searching for a way to leave the body in a similar way they learned in the past, knowing that if this can happen the brain can restart.

 

[Ka-9]

It's really interesting you felt "better" after the suicide attempt. Almost like a kettle that ha...

Probably a release, but, the suicidal thoughts have creeper back in recently. I suppose I'm better aware at the very least, and maybe it won't he as often. ..who knows.

 

[ninja]

I also felt clearer afterwards. My therapist sat down with me while I was still "clear" and asked that I think of five things I want to remember as I continue to heal. We wrote them down and each time the depression monster crept back in she would list off those things I said to her. Sometimes hearing those words felt painful.
My experience in the hospital afterwards was not great. I made a decision not to give the thoughts my time of day anymore. I made the decision not to commit suicide, and that's one decision that I have since then always felt certain of, which is interesting as I tend to question everything else over and over again. But not this. It is grounding and reminds me I have the power to choose, and I am not at the whims of the mental health challenges I have.