If you have a crisis hotline, please call them, they are trained to help you thru this. Or at least get you stable... Do you have a Therapist, if so call or text them. If you don't have a T, get one as soon as you can.
We do understand, and many of us have been there many times... you sound exhausted. And I really understand that. It is part of what makes this so hard sometimes....
You did reach out, and that takes courage, and says that you aren't quit willing to throw it all away. You are not alone in how you feel. Please find someone to talk to and if you are feel the need, go to the nearest Emergency Room and tell them what is going on.
You do deserve to get help, you do deserve to feel better, and you do deserve to have a life that is not full of pain and hopelessness.... we are here for you, and really hope you get some extra help.... We hear you !!