I did not leave my husband. He was a misogynist. He was not physically abusive but verbally and psychologically. They say that is worse. It has been 30 years. He died. I am left with guilt. He would not go to counselling. Why should he? He was fine with things the way they were. Everyone thought he was a wonderful man. No one would have understood if I had left him. But I was thrilled to have my freedom. He would not let me go to college (until he knew he was likely to die). He went so fast I was still in my freshman year of college when he died. Did it all on my own. Made a great life for myself.
Then a bad driver ran into me (he looked like it was intentional, there was no effort to stop from hitting me). I had ptsd and was falsely diagnosed with depression. Records show they blamed it on my grieving for husband's death. That was about 15 years after he died. Nothing could have been further from the truth. No one tells you how to get false medical records corrected. I did not "go public" about being happy he was dead or how he treated me. I feared the effect it would have on my young son, how it would affect my mother-i-l, and that people who knew him would not believe me.
There is family history in my family and his of domestic violence, mistreatment of females. After he died, I found his college journal. My counselor at time of his death told me to destroy it, and I did. Sure wish I had it now to show to people what he was really like.
Bottom line: society feeds us the fairy tale and we want to believe everything will be fine if we just hang in there and continue to be loving and supportive. But they don't change, or at least not without a lot of counselling/treatment. And if they are unwilling to get help, there is not going to be change.
You must think of yourself and any children if any. First step is to make a plan. Have you documented his abuse (photos, medical records, etc)? Do you have a support system? (I did not have supportive family or friends or anyone) Are you able to make a living on your own, support yourself? If not, can you take classes to prepare for a career? Start building up a savings to be able to get out quickly if necessary. Is there a women's center in your area that can help? If so, go to them and get info on how to get away.
You are right that it is not easy. That is why you need to start the process. Find out what resources are available to you. How likely is he to hunt you down and take revenge? This affects how much you need to be in hiding. It is not easy to hide. Even with different name, moving away, they can sometimes find the woman. And sometimes leaving can trigger more aggression. Not trying to scare you. Validating how hard it is and how to start the process.
Society needs to give more help to women in abusive situations. And women need to empower themselves. For most, it is a cycle. They leave one man and connect with another just as bad or worse. That is why I stand on my own two feet and don't get involved with me. Don't want a repeat of a nightmare.
Please keep us informed of the steps you are taking. Starting while he is incarcerated is good timing.
