Could i have been sexually abused as a child but just not remember?

[Ome]

I'm a young female and I have recently come to believe that I could have been sexually abused by my father when I was possibly under the age of 6. The reason for this is because I remember being very young and touching my private areas and my father coming to say goodnight to me and i am sorry for how unpleasant this may be but he said that he could smell my vagina on my fingers and said that good girls don't do that. As I've got older I have found that I am fine around most people but when it comes to my father, I get very nervous and feel like he is looking at my body, I just hate standing up around him. I also find it hard to call him dad and I really don't understand why. We get on most of the time but there is definitely something wrong with the relationship. And there Has never been any problems between us that I can remember that could have caused this. Leading on from that I find that I much prefer older men and like the idea of being used and dominanted. I am a very anxious person. I am 18 but I still like to act like a child and I like the thought of being a lot younger than a man so that I can feel inferior and young. I just fear that I could have been sexually abused because there is no other explanation for any of this. Could I have been abused?

 

[Jaroza]

I just fear that I could have been sexually abused because there is no other explanation for any of this. Could I have been abused?

There a hundred different explanations for what you describe - one of which is abuse. His comment about smelling your vagina on your fingers isnt but may not necessarily have been intended as a sexual comment so much as a "touching down there makes you smell - don't do it". While that isn't a good message to give a small child about her body it may be him being clumsy rather than abusive.

Lots of people struggle with parent child relationships, that doesn't mean they were sexually abused there may have been some other issue that you don't remember or you might simply have walked in on him and your mum having sex.

A lot of people fantasise about power and control in sex, feeling inferior, powerless or small and not a have been abused.

The reality here is that no one can say whether you were abused or not, I'm curious about why that's your "go to" explanation for how you feel when there are lots of things it could point to which aren't abusive. Contrary to popular opinion there aren't clear cut "symptoms of sexual abuse". There are signs that things aren't ok, there are behaviours that point to a trauma of some description and there are thoughts and feelings that feel troublesome but no "X behaviour means someone has been sexually abused".

In any event you're clearly troubled by something so it's worth getting support but in the absence of any evidence that you've been sexually abused (as opposed to some other relational difficulty or abuse) id try not to get fixated.

 

[Mabow]

Yes, everything the last poster said. Many reasons for this and the comment he said could have been just a badly worded innocent comment. It seems like a father shouldn't say "vagina" to a 6 yr old but many parts are sticklers for making sure the chuld knows the correct names for "private parts". As for smell, again, could have just been a badly worded comment.

Many people feel akward about hugs or eing close to a parent without that parent being abusive. Many reasons for that. Also, many reasons to like older men, to be dominated, and to want to feel younger. Abuse isn't the only reason for that.

 

[Cuhit]

many parts are sticklers for making sure the chuld knows the correct names for "private parts"

Many parents*

 

[Akite]

It's possible, but I also think that being scolded after touching yourself would be enough to set you up for a bit of awkwardness around your father, especially since it was at such a young age.

 

[Zemed]

It's possible. It's also possible that, as the other posters mentioned, there are other explanations. Some things to explore, how would you feel and what would you do, if the answer was yes, your father abused you. And how would you feel and what would you do, if you got a bunch of answers here saying it wasn't possible? Or in other words, why are you exploring this. Obviously there's painful or scary emotions going on.

Please understand, I'm not trying to dismiss your worries. I wondered the same thing for years. I have DID and other parts knew for sure what happened, but *I* did not. It was so confusing. During that time, I also went down a lot of rabbit holes wondering about other people and if they sexually abused me. I'm not sure that was helpful to my healing. What I really needed to do at that time was work on symptom management (I was doing a lot of self-harm and deep into an eating disorder) and better understand my internal world. Once I got some stability, I started to deal with why my family was a constant trigger and that lead me to work on safety. I need to create some healthy boundaries with them and then I could fully explore what happened when I was a child. Not sure any of that helps, but sending some support your way.

 

[Owo]

Please do not get involved with older men. I did not date in high school. As result, when I went on first date, I thought of it as practice on how to act on a date. He was 10 years older. He pressured me to get married. We did. He was a misogynist. Lucky for me he died. I went to counseling. Started dating while in therapy and was seeing a man 19 years older than me. Counselor pointed this out and reminded me my husband was 10 years older than me. She asked me what this usually indicates. While in therapy, my mother sent letter informing me my father had attempted murder/suicide when I was a child. She would not give me details I wanted. I did remember crossing street in middle of night with brother and staying with neighbors for a time. I do not believe I was asleep, as mother claimed. I do not think about this much as I have so little memory of it and so many other stresses to deal with. But I am now more aware of problems of dating older men. Yes, they do try to run your life and be paternalistic. You must trust that they know more/better than you due to their age. And don't forget if you stay together the day will come when he will have health issues and expect you to take care of him.

You deserve better. Don't settle for less than the best. Make sure you are in love and the man treats you well and loves you. Better to have no man than to have the wrong man. imho

 

[Edohu]

I just fear that I could have been sexually abused because there is no other explanation for any of this. Could I have been abused?

Could you have been abused? Sure.

However, there are a LOT of other explanations.

The example you listed is something that most parents spend a couple years saying to their children only about a few hundred times. Hands out of your pants. Go wash your hands. Your hands smell like penis/vagina. Go wash your hands / go wash your penis or vagina. Mostly during toddler years, and then a few one offs as children get older, especially during certain age brackets. How do I know this? First off, I have kids, and had to do that. Secondly? Because parents talk about their kids to each other! And about the things they never thought would be coming out of their mouths on a regular basis. At least once a season the question of hygiene came up on the bleachers at sports practice. Masturbation, public nudity, etc., also. During toddler 6-8 & 12-14? More than once a season. Those age groups tend to be kinda rough from a parenting side of things. Pretty much every time there's a cognitive leap, you have to reteach your kids everything you've ever taught them.

Kids touch themselves. Parents tell them not to & to go wash (because they stink). That's just really normal.

 

[Cuhit]

Please do not get involved with older men.

Age has zero to do with how people are. My 30 yr old father married my 17 yr old mother. They lasted 20 yrs. Yes my mother changed but that has zero to do with marrying at 17 to a 30 yr old but rather her choice to cheat on him as a grown ass woman and date a cult leader while still married to my dad.

To add, my now 75 yr old father has been married to his 56 yr old wife for 18 yrs, my 40 yr old brother has been married to his 55 yr old wife for 16 yrs both happily. My mom married her lover, whom was 15 yrs older then her and they stayed married until each died.

Age has zero to do with anything. A person is how they are because it is how they are. I also date older men. Yes, because of my trauma but I have found some gems. I am not with them because of my issue of leaving a relationship the min it gets real. But I could of married many of them and I have no doubt be happily married still today to a wonderful man!

 

[Gopom]

Yes but maybe you can explore it some more in therapy? I had had actual sexual experiences and I did not remember nor equate this with having been sexually abused till I was much older. Why did I want to do that and how did I know I wanted to do that and why at such a young age did I know about that ended up being someone taught me. OK so that's pretty straight forward. 2 and 2 equals 4. In your case given what you said I would want some more to go on. It would be a really serious thing if that had happened. Of course you need to do whatever you can to find out. You are not wrong in your thinking and it points in that direction maybe. It's worth exploring and your feelings are valid. I hope you get to the bottom of it.

 

[Anik]

Age has zero to do with how people are. My 30 yr old father married my 17 yr old mother. They lasted 20 yrs. Yes my m...

Zero?

With such a black and white statement, I love spect some sort of research study to back this up!

The truth is that age CAN be an indication of daddy issues (in women who date older men), and it can indicate control issues (in men who only date younger women.

Anecdotal "evidence" in your family cannot be used to paint all of mankind.