Therapy for abuser?

[jsm]

I know a lot of the discussion is centered around the abusee but curious about therapy for the abuser.

So have a close friend where who confided in me about abuse that happened while in childhood between himself and sis, nearly 25 years ago. They now live completely far apart and living separate lives with hardly any overlap beyond FB updates. This came about as she had a manic episode was diagnosed and on treatment both meds and therapy a couple years ago. Through a group therapy session when people talk about their childhood trauma is when it dawned that a possible source of her anxiety and not being able to not be strong enough and being powerless was her past abuse with her brother long ago.

Would it make sense for my friend to seek therapy to try to process/work things out? I believe there's desire to try to repair the relationship from the sister but has said she's not ready to talk but have sent other messages through intermediaries. The brother has offered to speak to the sister's T if that would help things.

I know the trust has completely eroded and it will take time to fully rebuild -- if at all possible.

From my friend's standpoint, what's best thing to do? He fully expects that he may never be forgiven and some things can never be but wants to try to repair things but unsure the best path forward. He's currently giving her space and only light pleasantries are exchanged for birthdays and holidays.

Thanks so much for any guidance and help!

 

[Casey_03]

If you're talking about sexual abuse, and it happened when they were both children, there's a chance he was abused himself and that's what prompted his behavior. He wouldn't need his sister's cooperation to get therapy for himself and figure out why he did whatever he did. As a matter of fact, I think it'd be better if he just left her alone until she says she's ready to talk or build some sort of relationship. Without knowing any more details about what kind of abuse it was, it's hard to offer feedback.

 

[EveHarrington]

Was it sexual abuse?

I think he should be in therapy.

In terms of the sister, he should leave her alone until she contacts him.

If my abuser tried to contact me, it's pretty safe to say I'd probably have a bad episode and quite possibly try to make another attempt.

 

[anonymous]

Yes he should never approach her. Yes he should go to therapy.

 

[anonymous]

Forgiveness is completely possible and very healing.

 

[EveHarrington]

Forgiveness is....... very healing.

For some, not all.

 

[scout86]

but curious about therapy for the abuser.

My T has told me that he's worked with abusers on occasion. Usually because it was court ordered. He said that, most of the time, they don't really see what they did as actually being wrong, so they're pretty hard to make progress with.

If your friend abused his sister in some way, and he realizes that that's what he did, and wants to work on his own end of that, it might pay for him to find a therapist to work with. There are going to be some out there who've had some experience working with abusers. Building a relationship with his sister, at some point down the road, is a whole separate deal.

 

[anonymous]

For some, not all.

Forgiveness doesn't free them, it frees YOU.

 

[EveHarrington]

Forgiveness....

Please Don't shove your version of forgiveness down my throat.

Why do we seek forgiveness from God?

God isn't hurt by our sins. He doesn't forgive us to make himself feel better.

We seek forgiveness from God to make ourselves feel better.

 

[Friday]

Kids do a lot of terrible things to each other. Most of the time? They outgrow that, or come to the decision that what they're doing is wrong, dickish, or just flat out not who they want to be. No therapy needed. Just kids being kids, learning how the world works, and where they want to be in it, and when enough is enough.

Sometimes kids who fought like cats and dogs growing up are the best of friends after they grow up. Other times? Not so much. Neither being bad people, just being very different people. Again, no real therapy needed. Some people just don't get on, and never will.

Other times there's some deep and serious pathology involved. When, hell yeah, therapy could be hugely helpful.

Just because someone did f*cked up things during their childhood? Doesn't mean they're still f*cked up as adults. Also doesn't mean they're forgiven by the people they did f*cked up shit to. But that doesn't mean that's still who they are, or that they need help understanding or not being... Who they haven't been for a long time.

 

[jsm]

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

Curious, how is therapy for the abuser different? How does that help the abused?

I want to say the abuse was sexual in nature (touching). I believe it happened 2-3 times and completely stopped when he realized it was wrong. They remained close and it was never brought up, like it never happened. Never spoke of it again till 25 years later with the sister going through therapy in dealing with bipolar disorder did it come back out.

I believe the concern is that the age it occurred, where he was 18 (so definitely should known better) and she was a minor. Now they are both grown adults in their 30s and 40s. He would like to seek therapy if it would help but has concern about confidentiality and reporting since it occurred when they were minors. Of course he doesn't want to incriminate himself and be taken away from his own family. Both of them have families now so the concern is how to help the healing progress and move forward without causing additional harm.

Another wrinkle, but don't have any details, was someone mentioned before that the likely cause is from a similar abuse happening to him and he mentioned that he was touched by another sibling (older sister) which he has no recollection what so ever. One issue is his memory is bad and the family has a history of early onset dementia, so given the timeframe there's really just bits and pieces left. That being said he wants to do what's needed to repair things but has concern about confidentiality and reporting issues. But from what I know the sister has already shared the info with the other sister (in which the other info of being touched came up), her T, and another close friend so if there was something to report it would have already occurred -- right?

He does have contact (somewhat chilly) with the older sister in letting her know he's open to talking whenever the younger sister is ready and if they (either of them) don't want anything to do with him, he deserves it and understands.

So if the end goal is to help the younger sister out seems it's much more beneficial to be talking to the same therapist as the sister right? He knows he was clearly in the wrong and expect never to be forgiven. Would he go into therapy as an abused (which has no memory at all) as well as an abuser? Guess he could go to therapy and try to make sense of the cause (but maybe there isn't any) then what? Seems he's selfishly helping himself without helping the abused. Or it some show of good faith that he's trying to become a better person to the family in the hopes of rebuilding. Similar as someone going to rehab.

Thanks again!

 

[Sideways]

There's a tonne of reasons he might benefit from therapy, but IMO (opinion only!!), if it's behaviour he now regrets and doesn't intend to repeat, the sexual touching from when he was in his late teens wouldn't, of itself, seem to "require therapy.

There may be other reasons for therapy: like if he's really getting distressed by this, or if it's going to be a problem if his sister doesn't bring him back into the fold. If he'd like to make a healing and apologetic gesture, perhaps voluntering with a mental health or womens service?

I have an older brother who did some pretty appalling things to me as a kid. He moved interstate when he was 18 and we cross paths occasionally every other Christmas. But honestly, that's how I like it. We don't particularly get along, and quite regardless of how he treated me as a kid, I actually just don't like him much as an adult now. When i add to that the circus I've got going on as I try to get my recovery on track, reconciling with him? Just isn't a priority for me.

I raise that because, after all this time apart, if the sexual touching thing is news to her, they haven't been in each other's lives for a while now, and there could well be a lot of other reasons for that.

Like @EveHarrington said, reaching out to the victim is something an abuser would do for their own sake, the victim should be given the choice about if or when any reconciliation occurs. And it may never occur - when you sexually abuse your sister? That's one of the consequences that I think he needs to accept - her call now, not his.

But given this guy is your friend, maybe encourage him to focus on who he is now, rather than getting himself wrecked over "I'm a sexual abuser" and identifying as that, because it sounds like his situation is more complicated. And if he needs some support from a T "just because" (which is actually perfectly fine!), then that's the basis that he should get help on: I need a T because I'm not ok (not because he screwed up once in his late teens).