My bipolar moods (with severity)

[Changing4Best]

It has been suggested to me that I share my Bipolar moods with someone, also the severity of them. I should do this every day. I realize that I may have even been misdiagnosed with Bipolar, because PTSD is sometimes diagnosed as Bipolar, before a full PTSD diagnosis can be made. Be that as it may, I thought I might do this online, keeping it as a kind of chart in prose, rather than trying to just write it in a journal and share it with my therapist. I am the kind of person who might write so much, that she could spend our entire therapy hour reading such a journal, rather than us doing actual therapy.

Hence this log:

So today I am frustrated. This is maybe at a 3 or maybe 4, on the 1-10 scale, where 10 is the worst. Kind of like when they ask you in the ER what your pain level is, on a scale of 1-10....

Anyway, frustration is probably due to a number of factors in my life. First off, I have to either give up someone who is helping me, or accept them to come to my aid when I am supposed to be at work. I can cancel work for that day, every week, and add to my workweek on some other day, but I am already so exhausted by my work, that doing this could push me over the edge concerning my energy level.

This is not good, because I have chronic Lyme Disease, you know, the one where you get bitten by a tick and then you get a bull's eye rash and then all hell breaks loose and you are sick for the rest of your life, unless you get properly treated with huge doses of antibiotics over a longish period of time. That last was not done for me, as I was diagnosed only by the time I had seen about 8 Dr.s over a 5 year period of time, and I was half dead, by the time they found out I had it. By that time, of course, I was already too far gone to be "cured" (I use quotes, because even so, hardly anyone is ever cured of this Disease) as it had invaded my heart.

OK, so I am chronically sick with a bacterial infection that never goes away. I am Bipolar or just plain PTSD, either way, I am affected by moods that kick me in the teeth. Suicidal Ideation has plagued me recently. Sleep has either overtaken me, or evaded me. Apathy about life in general has made doing ANYTHING difficult at best. All I really feel like doing is resting or sleeping, but then I get RESTLESS and want to pace. So I can't even do that!

Going out for walks seems like a good idea, but we have had so much rain recently....

I used to enjoy life. I had a friend named May who I used to love to just listen to. She tells the funniest stories! We'd laugh and laugh. Well! On the same day I got my new job, she moved some 800 miles away from here. So I have to work, which is not that fun, and I miss her so badly I could cry. I am poor, so I cannot afford the phone minutes very often to talk to her by phone, even with this new job, which pays very little. (Far less than minimum wage, long story as to why that is...).

Speaking of crying, I was on the verge of tears for several weeks, but they would not come. Finally, at church last week, when my pastor hugged me and said to me that she loves me, I could cry a little. I cried throughout most of the church service, in fact, embarrassing! At least I cried silently, and I was in the back of the church, so hopefully, not many folks saw me.

Life could be worse. I know. It sure could be better though, too! At least I have a home. I say this because I sure know what it is to be homeless, since I was so for about 3 years, back from the beginning of 2002 to the middle of 2004. I begged for money in the streets, had an abusive boyfriend who date raped me every night.... had no where to go, but stay in cheap motel rooms with him, ones I paid for with the money I begged. He was a lazy no good for nothing person who gambled and drank....

Anyway, I am frustrated. There are no other jobs available around here, plus I would lose more than I made, if I were to get any other job. I really don't like my job, but then who does like their job? Do you like your job? That is, if you have felt up to reading this even? Sorry it is so long. Thanks for reading.

I am adding this link, so that I can keep it handy, in case I need it while writing this Diary. It is all about how to best use the writing of a diary to help yourself:

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[Deleted member 37085]

I was misdiagnosed (just sayin') @SheilaKathy with bipolar for nearly 30 years (around 27-30 yrs.) and in 2012 was finally correctly diagnosed with prolonged complex post-traumatic stress disorder and then the real fun (NOT) began. 30 yrs. is a long time waiting on sooo many professionals to finally get it right (diagnosis) and then give me the now corrected diagnosis and you've been through this with Lyme Disease as well! And you know a thing or two oh yes about misdiagnosis with Lyme Disease (five years!). Such pain we go through over misdiagnosis' @SheilaKathy. Oh, such pain!

It seems like this would be very difficult to manage all three diagnoses for you precious @SheilaKathy? I wish you could share more about this? please? How do you keep your symptoms straight by knowing which diagnoses' symptoms belong to which (symptomatically) either bipolar, Lyme's, or ptsd? I care so much about what you're going through and I sense and feel your serious and sincere frustration over same and I want to listen more about above question I've posed (don't answer if you don't want to) if you don't mind to answer. Again, I care. Fondly...

 

[Changing4Best]

Thanks for caring! I don't really differentiate between dnxes that much. I have mood swings. All 3 conditions cause these! To pick which one of my 3 dnxes is causing it would be impossible. So I don't try to do that.

Lyme's has over 200 symptoms, actually. When I last lost count, it was 238 symptoms that had been "clocked" by Lyme's experts (Infectious Disease Specialists). I gave up keeping track of the research after that. I could identify with maybe 100 of the symptoms, some on one day, others on another day.

Anyway, today's mood is CONFUSED. I went to the Dr.'s yesterday for a "follow up." I was told in my print-out from the receptionist that my TOP diagnosis is "OBESITY"! Now they also gave me a chart which shows my weight and my height (which they got incorrectly). I weigh 158 and I am 5'7" tall. They say I am at a BMI of 25.1. Now anything in the BMI range of 25-29 is considered obese. I think, according to the chart, if they had my correct height, I would have to weigh 162 or higher in order to be considered OBESE or overweight.

Then she put me on a LOW SODIUM DIET and I have LOW BLOOD SODIUM!!! My previous Dr. told me to drink Gatorade and salt my food, because I had passed out in Walmart and was rushed to the ER, and found to have low blood sodium.

So anyway, I think I need a new Dr. I hate this. My previous Dr. just had a baby, so she is no longer there. I miss her so! She was so nice and she knew her stuff. She didn't mess things up.

I hate to make a fuss, but I know I am going to have to ask the receptionist for a new Dr. At least I have a good relationship with one of the receptionists there. When I get up the nerve, I will call her.

I did write an email to the Dr. who did this asking her A LOT of questions and correcting her mistakes in the process. I told her that I am 5'7" and about the low blood sodium. I asked her how MUCH overweight she thought I might be, if I am at all.

One thing that concerns me. Being labeled as "OBESE" could affect my insurance premiums, I think. I'm not sure, but I am scared that this could be the case, so I hope it was just an honest mistake.

So, I am confused, at a level of maybe 6 and I am concerned, at a level of 6 also. (with 10 being bad). Does that all make any sense?

 

[Changing4Best]

I had a nice talk with my pastor just now, so I feel as if someone has heard me and loves me very much. That clocks my mood at BEING CONTENT. I guess that would be at a 1, 1 being best, 10 being worst. We talked about a lot of things. She asked me how my depression is now and I said that it is not as bad. I did have to tell her that I am having sleep problems though, which she already knew about, since I wrote her a letter at 2 AM Sunday morning and gave it to her Sunday at church. That was why she wanted to talk to me, even came to my home. When someone takes the time to come and visit you, and they listen, and they care, it is really special. It feels good.

It is the same with you, @JadesJewel. You listen to me (read me) and you care. I really appreciate all the things you have written on my profile too.

Oh! And the problem concerning my helper has been solved. I will have a different helper, but she will come when I am not supposed to be at work. This is such a relief! So I feel RELIEVED, at a level of 2.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

You know @SheilaKathy, I just put your weight, height into my URL and asked what the b.m.i. is and the following is what I got:

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Feb 23, 2017 - Body mass index (BMI) is used to determine if you or your child are underweight, healthy, or overweight or obese. ... Adults are underweight if their BMI is below 18.5, healthy weight if their BMIis 18.5 to 24.9, overweight if their BMI is 25 to 29.9, and obese if their BMI is 30 or above.

Does the above help at all? Also so good to hear you resolved the situation regarding the helper and that they're not coming when you're needing to be at work anymore. Great that you wrote your pastor and she came to visit you! Our relationships with our respective pastors are so very important to our spiritual as well as emotional well-being. How is your pastor doing? Did she talk about herself at all?

My preacher and his wife (new) came to see me last week and like you, I felt so blessed. He (preacher) has a wild and crazy sense of humor and since I was a professional clown I do so very much appreciate this preacher's sense of humor! My former church died, in fact, the last church event was this past Sunday and I was asked if I wanted to attend, and said no I as to myself I said that I am just movin' on SheilaKathy. And the church previous to this last church that died - split into two separate churches! And it hurts to see any church in distress, and/or dying...sure does...

I do so want to care as others care about me here in forum and I feel so blessed to be here as I know you do as well so giving back is all part of it! And you're right! You may have been misdiagnosed with bipolar. I was for roughly 30 years! And keeping up with which symptom fits which diagnosis, well, to say how am I feeling today? And what is bothering me this moment? And what mood am I in - all of these questions - can fit whatever my diagnosis is, right!

And I'm sorry your previous doc is no longer practicing due to having her baby, and perhaps it would be good to perhaps saying you are enough and getting gumption to call receptionist that you have good rapport with and possibly seek out another more reliable doc (like your previous one) since current one does not seem to be working out as well? You are not obese by what I copied to you up top. No. I support you in finding another doc if that's what you feel you need @SheilaKathy. Pretty lame about putting you on low sodium after your E.R. found you low sodium. That's whacko fo sho! Doc's are human and they make tons of mistakes annually (just like mine did recently with me re thryoid medication! And because of his mistake, I am currently dealing with hyperthyroid and it's hyper because the primary doc sent me into hyperspace because although my TSH was in range but high for this doc. So doc decided to take me from 150mcg. to 200mcg. (he skipped 175mcg. strength!!!) and now primary doc has thrown me up on the ceiling so to speak and with hyperthyroid symtoms. And I have most all of the symptoms of hyperthyroidism, although I am dx'd with hypothyroidism. Whew! A mouthful, fo sho!

Anyway after the past couple or so weeks of feeling and being like a hamster on a treadmill or a car set up on blocks with the engine running full throttle and tires spinning but unable to get any traction - that is exactly how my body and mind feel right this minute, I finally called and shared how awful I'm feeling at present. So finally this morning doc called in the appropriate strength and it will in a few weeks bring levothyroxine strength down since doc reduced to 175mcg (which should have been levothyroxine strength in the first place when he first started messing with my TSH that was in range but high for him!) and so in a week or so I ought to be feeling so much better than right now.

By the way, have you ever had your thyroid TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone test) checked? It's so important to have it checked since roughly 20million Americans have some type of thyroid issue. And it runs the heart, brain, etc. It's the body's thermostat so to speak. And if it's not in range it can cause you to have mood swings, and even be misdiagnosed with all kinds of illnesses i.e. bipolar, etc. Thanks for reading what I wrote to you! as well!

Today, I called the VA to see if they knew of any non-veteran ptsd groups having weekly sessions here in town where I live and the guy (receptionist) is a member of this forum, talk about a small world!

And no I didn't know that Lyme's Disease has 238 symptoms! Wow! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this illness and I believe you said this is not the first time you've been infected by a tick with Lyme is this right! Bless your heart! And I know quite a bit about bipolar since I'd been medicated with bipolar medications for roughly 30 years, so I know quite a bit about this illness that you live with SheilaKathy. I hope that I've not talked your arms and legs right off your body as I am racing in my brain right now. In a week or perhaps two I will hopefully have stabilized and be less chatty. LOL! Your friend. Jade.

 

[Changing4Best]

@JadesJewel OK, according to the BMI calculator you sent me to, my BMI is just UNDER 25, at 24.7. So I am maybe so close that she put me in at OBESE by mistake, instead of overweight. But really, OBESITY as my TOP diagnosis? No. NOT. She diagnosed a varicose vein and did NOT even PUT THAT IN THE REPORT!!! I don't get it.

I have never asked if my thyroid has been checked, but probably somewhere back there it has been checked. I don't want to ask right now, with all this other stuff that needs to get straightened out, but I will keep it in the back of my mind for whatever Dr. they do give to me when I ask to be changed. My favorite Dr. is not doctoring at all right now, the one that had the baby. I prefer women as Dr.s but I must say, this is like the 3rd time one of them has left that practice, either due to a husband having been transferred across the country for his job or pregnancy. I wonder if the high turnover in that office may have to do with more than just these things that I was told? You know. It seems to me that I have had 4 different Dr.s there in something like 4 years. That is a bit strange, if you ask me. That, in fact, leaves me in a STRANGE MOOD, like PUZZLED. Is that a mood, puzzled? If it is, it is like a 5 on the scale. I am like halfway puzzled.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

From what I looked up and sent you, I just don't see your weight/height ratio as obese, no, just sayin'. Just wanted to say that I don't prefer men or women docs, for past abusers being both male and female alike were both equally torturously abusive towards me and sister. And I'd prefer none of them! LOL! if I could for I do not like at all going to docs. But I have a male 20 yr. navy colonel Dr. and someone goes with me every time, as I am scared of any and all docs (rightly so) due to being sexually assaulted on 1/18/96 by gastroenterologist doc. And no please don't worry now or stress about thyroid. Just sometimes it would be so very wise to have it checked and know that you're in range because this affects mood too, just sayin'.

Yes puzzled is a mood. I am tired and this is a feeling and I need to not type so much for a bit! Whew! Take care...

 

[Changing4Best]

I can understand not wanting to be near any Dr. after what happened to you, oh my! My heart goes out to you, @JadesJewel.

I still am awaiting a reply from my Dr. about why she labeled me as "obese" and why she put it at the top of my dnx list too. And waiting for answers to my other questions too.

I got this book I ordered in the mail today, called BULLYING AMONG OLDER ADULTS by Robin P. Bonifas. (Ph.D., M.S.W.) I cannot put it down. I have been dealing with a bully or two in my life lately, and so I am looking for solutions and this book is full of them. I am gathering COURAGE and I would say that is an emotion of some sort, so I will say that my COURAGE is growing and it is at least a 7 right now.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Appreciate your compassion over doc sexually assaulting me on 1/18/96 @SheilaKathy. And just wanted to say people will label and I am trying to be Teflon and not allow anyone's negativity affect or "stick" to me and this is so hard for some in this world can be oh so cruel. Certainly, I understand you pursuing this so not to affect insurance premiums.

It's good that we both received our books re bullying in the recent mail and I also checked out two additional library books re bullying, plus I picked up my dialectical behavioral therapy workbook as well. So I see some intensive reading on the horizon. Speaking of horizons, it's way past my bedtime and I am wishing you good sleep, and a peaceful night my Christian sister, SheilaKathy. Goodnight...:sleep::sleep::sleep::sleep::sleep::sleep::hug:

 

[Changing4Best]

Thank you. @JadesJewel I slept OK, not great, but passable. So much is going on in my life right now, that sleep of any kind is truly a blessing I cherish. I am already halfway through my book on bullying. I got the courage from it to call the Senior Center Director this morning and voice my story to her, including some examples of how I have been bullied and by whom. I told her about the book and asked her if she would like to borrow it. I also told her that it is still ongoing to some degree, the bully is still picking on the other person he has bullied, calling him "homewrecker" and so on. I told her I still hear him saying that to the guy. She promised to get someone from Social Services to come and give us all a lecture on BULLYING! Oh, and I also told her that there was a person who came to the Center about a year ago, someone called her "motormouth" and she left and never came back. I told her who told me this, so she could chase it down and maybe rescue the target of that bullying. I am being very proactive about all this. I took the courage that I was feeling yesterday to heart and ran with it. I hope and pray that some good comes of this. I poured out my heart this morning, telling her that I had been heart broken by what was done to me and also that I am finally fighting back, telling others about what was done to me too. The bully called me a "back stabber" yesterday (without naming me, but I knew who he was referring to) and this because I told someone about what he did and what happened because of it. I really don't think he has any clue what his bullying does to people! He just thinks he's "cutting up and having fun." But the "fun" is at another's or others expense. It is not right. It is very hurtful. It is cruel. And it is NOT OK! And I pray to God that it is stopped completely.

I doubt that the bully will ever be friendly with me again, and I really don't want his friendship anymore anyway. There was a time when I did, because rejection, especially because I spoke up for myself, is not a healthy thing to try to overcome. Rejection in some cases is for the best. If a bully rejects you, it is to your advantage, as long as they stop bullying you too! And he did. He had to, otherwise he was going to be kicked out of the Senior Center and not be allowed on its bus either. He could live without the Senior Center, but the bus, he needs, in order to get to the grocery store, so had HAD TO STOP BULLYING ME when we all got that lecture. But he hates me for speaking up on my own behalf and he hates me for stopping his "game." And that is life, There will be some folks who hate you, especially if you do the right thing. Jesus warned us that, that would be the case, after all. If they hated Him for doing the right things, they will hate us too, when we do the same. It is written....

So I feel some ANXIETY at a level of 6 today, because I had to speak up for my rights and request help for someone else who is being bullied still. In fact, 2 people. Being brave and speaking up for myself is something I never did as a kid. I never told anyone, no teacher, no principal, nor my parents that I was being bullied. I just took it. That is what I did in this case for awhile, but then I finally felt the need to protest and so I did and it got back to the Senior Center Director and she gave the lecture, warning bullies that they could be kicked out. I don't know what further action she will take, if the bully continues. Only time will tell. But some other bully may show up in the future. That is what I am most afraid of, because I have been quite often the target of bullying throughout my life. Bullies just seem to sense that thing about me which draws them to me. My docile nature, I guess. I so hate being bullied!!!!!

 

[Changing4Best]

I just told a dear friend of mine who also has been my helper for many years all about being bullied at the Senior Center, and she was appalled, especially since the bully is 79 years old. She agrees with my decision to have brought this up this morning with the Senior Center Director.

I asked her if I looked "obese?" She said something like, "What, who said that?" and I told her. She said "You need to change Dr.s!" I still have not heard from my Dr. in reply to my email, but if I don't get an answer by tonight, she is toast. She might even get to be toast anyway. I am not going to put up with someone as my healthcare provider who makes mistakes. The ONLY excuse I "might" be willing to accept is that her computer automatically put these things into my appointment report without her knowledge or approval. If that is not what happened, I am changing Dr.s.

I am not going to be that "nice" person who just "takes it" any longer! I am fed up!!! I am ANGRY at a 10 where 10 is the worst and 1 is the best. "I am REALLY ANGRY and I am not going to take it anymore!" (I remember that as being a line from one of the few movies I ever liked). People said it throughout the movie and it became like a national slogan or something in the movie. That was how I felt then and it is how I feel NOW!

 

[Changing4Best]

I feel GRIEF at a 3, where 10 is worst now that this all happened to me. I feel the grief of a lifetime of having been bullied. When I was married, there was a man that made passes at me and tried to bully me into having an affair with him. He was very persistent.

I tried in various ways to let him know that I was faithful to my husband and that I did not do things like that, but he persisted.

I told my husband. He didn't do much of anything about it. Finally he said that I should only email the man, not accept phone calls from him and that I should try not to have any personal contact with him at all. I did that to the best of my ability, but the man still persisted.

He must have figured that if he stalked me for long enough, that I would give in or something. This went on for years. Sometimes I would ignore his emails, sometimes I would tell him "No." again for the thousandth time, but he still persisted.

And he still does, even though he is dying of cancer. He still wants to "get together and do the do." My husband has long since passed away, so I am on my own in terms of warding him off.

It all started July 4th Weekend 1994 and has persisted ever since. He even had 2 girlfriends and persisted in trying to bed me! I don't know how to block emails, no, I guess I could label his emails as "spam" and they would disappear from my email box. But to tell you the truth, I don't have the heart to do it since he is dying of cancer. Something in me just can't. I feel sorry for him.

Also, I guess, there is some part of me that loves him. He was a friend for awhile. When I had no friends. When I needed a friend. Now that he needs a friend, I would feel as if I were doing something wrong, to shut him out of my life. That is just the way I am, I guess. A what is it that they call it? A wuss??