I have been struggling for the past 7 weeks to make sense of what happened in my relationship with my boyfriend of almost 13 years. His PTSD has gotten out of control. First he started out by having outburst, then he started picking fights over nothing, became possessive, started blaming me for being unfaithful, then came the name calling and know he's to the point of having no fuse at all - you never know when he's going to ignite. I love him to pieces! This wasn't the man I fell in love with. We were friends growing up who reconnected when are prior marriages were falling apart. The last time I spoke with him - he blew up like a bottle rocket after starting a fight and for the first time I thought he was going to get physical. He's not communicated with me only to say that he missed me and that we would talk soon. That was 7 weeks ago. I don't know what to do. This behavior has slowly been mushrooming for the past 2 years. He's been self medicating with alcohol and now I found out he's been smoking pot all the time. I'm devasted, lost, confused, pissed, and angry. Any guidance from anyone that is in or was in a relationship with someone with PTSD?
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Relationship Ptsd combat veteran's girlfriend need insight on what to do
- Post starter 1lostlove
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This unfortunately is how this illness works and what it looks like. It's apparent that you care very much about him, and its apparent that he is struggling...
I've spent years self medicating with alcohol, and even though I don't use it as much now as I have previously, I know that I will never be able to completely walk away from alcohol as a coping method. I also know that some of my worst behavior was fuelled by alcohol.
It sounds like what he is doing is an attempt (conscious or subconscious, I dont know) to create distance between you two. I do this all the time. ALL the time. With every one. There seems to be a level of intimacy that is intolerable... and things can seemingly be going so well, until I have to ruin it and be back with myself again. It's painful. It's a very painful process and I don't have any answers about it, just some advice:
-What he is doing is not neccessarily because you did something wrong or a sign that he doesn't love you.
-Isolation and withdrawal can be a huge comforter for someone with PTSD when things are getting overwhelming... but it can be almost impossible to pull yourself from it, or to realize how hurtful it is for other people. We just really need space sometimes to work things out alone.
-Sometimes it just isn't personal. It's just about the person with an illness, and sometimes you deal with the person and sometimes you're dealing with the illness. I know personally, I come and I go.
-The best thing you can do is to show patience, understanding, and show him that you care. Reach out respectfully and let him know you're still there and that you just want him to know that you're someone who loves him for who he is and you don't judge him for an illness he never asked to have. However, he has to find some way to deal with his illness...
-Protect yourself and nurture yourself throughout. This is a difficult thing to live with, and it's also difficult to love someone living with it; he didn't ask for this problem and could be trying with distance to "unburden" you from his illness. I do this too.
-If things ever appear to be flying off into something physically abusive, just get out of there. Not excusing behavior, but it's absolutely true that PTSD takes the sufferer into a very primative, reptilian mode of operation and better safe than sorry.
Good luck and I hope you keep us updated. Well wishes for you both... he is blessed to have your care and willingness to try to comprehend his illness.
I've spent years self medicating with alcohol, and even though I don't use it as much now as I have previously, I know that I will never be able to completely walk away from alcohol as a coping method. I also know that some of my worst behavior was fuelled by alcohol.
It sounds like what he is doing is an attempt (conscious or subconscious, I dont know) to create distance between you two. I do this all the time. ALL the time. With every one. There seems to be a level of intimacy that is intolerable... and things can seemingly be going so well, until I have to ruin it and be back with myself again. It's painful. It's a very painful process and I don't have any answers about it, just some advice:
-What he is doing is not neccessarily because you did something wrong or a sign that he doesn't love you.
-Isolation and withdrawal can be a huge comforter for someone with PTSD when things are getting overwhelming... but it can be almost impossible to pull yourself from it, or to realize how hurtful it is for other people. We just really need space sometimes to work things out alone.
-Sometimes it just isn't personal. It's just about the person with an illness, and sometimes you deal with the person and sometimes you're dealing with the illness. I know personally, I come and I go.
-The best thing you can do is to show patience, understanding, and show him that you care. Reach out respectfully and let him know you're still there and that you just want him to know that you're someone who loves him for who he is and you don't judge him for an illness he never asked to have. However, he has to find some way to deal with his illness...
-Protect yourself and nurture yourself throughout. This is a difficult thing to live with, and it's also difficult to love someone living with it; he didn't ask for this problem and could be trying with distance to "unburden" you from his illness. I do this too.
-If things ever appear to be flying off into something physically abusive, just get out of there. Not excusing behavior, but it's absolutely true that PTSD takes the sufferer into a very primative, reptilian mode of operation and better safe than sorry.
Good luck and I hope you keep us updated. Well wishes for you both... he is blessed to have your care and willingness to try to comprehend his illness.
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- #3
Thank you so much for your advice and insight into this illness! I feel completely deflated and lost. I'm assuming we are broken up and yet I'm still waiting here for his return. How much longer do I put myself thru this? He has no idea what I would do for him.
Well you've been together close to 13 years... do you really think it's all over?
I would try to communicate to him how you feel. Even what you've written here was so heartfelt and genuine. Let him know what you want from him and see where he takes it maybe? Just don't set your expectations too high if he's drunk or triggered... because we aren't our true selves when we are drunk or in defensive mode.
I would try to communicate to him how you feel. Even what you've written here was so heartfelt and genuine. Let him know what you want from him and see where he takes it maybe? Just don't set your expectations too high if he's drunk or triggered... because we aren't our true selves when we are drunk or in defensive mode.
EveHarrington
VIP Member
Is he willing to give up the alcohol and drugs?
If not are you ok with the alcohol/drug issues getting worse?
Personally I require a partner not have drug/alcohol issues, so this would be a deal breaker for me.
If not are you ok with the alcohol/drug issues getting worse?
Personally I require a partner not have drug/alcohol issues, so this would be a deal breaker for me.
- Post starter
- #6
It is a deal breaker for me. I haven't had contact him with for 7 weeks. Just disappeared after saying he needed a mental break. I don't really know how to help him if he won't let me in. If he resurfaces and wants to get back with me, getting counseling and pulling himself of that stuff is the only way I can let myself get back into this with him. I understand that it will take some time but I'm willing to stand by his side.
@1lostlove your story made my heart ache. So painful when someone abruptly walks away because they can't deal with their emotions. How are you doing today?
As I've learned from this forum, being in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer requires years of therapy and a continuous effort to work on the mental health of both in the relationship. It sounds to be a difficult road ahead. You've invested many years with your guy and it would be terribly painful to have that ripped apart. I get it.
As I've learned from this forum, being in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer requires years of therapy and a continuous effort to work on the mental health of both in the relationship. It sounds to be a difficult road ahead. You've invested many years with your guy and it would be terribly painful to have that ripped apart. I get it.
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