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Alright We Need More Jokes
- Post starter Fargo1
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reddevil1111
Diamond Member
A young man with a wild and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man.
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
"What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?"
The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one night and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
reddevil1111
Diamond Member
What happens when 100 sailors go underway on a sub?
--50 couples come home.
--50 couples come home.
reddevil1111
Diamond Member
It was a very foggy night at sea.
The skipper of a battleship saw the lights of another vessel approaching directly ahead.
He ordered his Signalman to send the following message on flashing light:
“Turn 10 degrees port.”
A flashing message came back through the fog:
“You turn 10 degrees starboard.”
Perturbed, the skipper sent his Signalman back out to send the following message:
“You turn 10 degrees port. I’m a Captain.”
A flashing message came back through the fog:
“You turn 10 degrees starboard. I’m a Seaman.”
Now the skipper was really furious. A Seaman will not talk to a Captain that way. He ordered his Signalman back out to send the following message:
“You turn 10 degrees port. I’m a battleship.”
A flashing message came back through the fog:
“You turn 10 degrees starboard. I’m a lighthouse.”
The skipper of a battleship saw the lights of another vessel approaching directly ahead.
He ordered his Signalman to send the following message on flashing light:
“Turn 10 degrees port.”
A flashing message came back through the fog:
“You turn 10 degrees starboard.”
Perturbed, the skipper sent his Signalman back out to send the following message:
“You turn 10 degrees port. I’m a Captain.”
A flashing message came back through the fog:
“You turn 10 degrees starboard. I’m a Seaman.”
Now the skipper was really furious. A Seaman will not talk to a Captain that way. He ordered his Signalman back out to send the following message:
“You turn 10 degrees port. I’m a battleship.”
A flashing message came back through the fog:
“You turn 10 degrees starboard. I’m a lighthouse.”
reddevil1111
Diamond Member
An air force officer arrives in heaven. St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!
reddevil1111
Diamond Member
A Marine walks into a Beaufort SC bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman looks at his wrist and remarks, "That's some watch.
I've never seen anything like it before. What is it?"
"I just got this," he replies. "It's a new military issue. It has a small computer chip which has threat detection and situational awareness."
The intrigued woman asks, "What's so special about it?"
The Marine explains, "It can detect any threats within a 50 yard radius and gives me an awareness of my surroundings.
The woman asks, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, according to what it says, you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Marine taps the face of his watch several times and says, "Aw, hell, the damn thing's an hour fast.""
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman looks at his wrist and remarks, "That's some watch.
I've never seen anything like it before. What is it?"
"I just got this," he replies. "It's a new military issue. It has a small computer chip which has threat detection and situational awareness."
The intrigued woman asks, "What's so special about it?"
The Marine explains, "It can detect any threats within a 50 yard radius and gives me an awareness of my surroundings.
The woman asks, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, according to what it says, you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Marine taps the face of his watch several times and says, "Aw, hell, the damn thing's an hour fast.""
W
Wagon
Why were Helen Kellers hands dyed purple?
She tried to read the grape vines.
She tried to read the grape vines.
Zipperhead
Diamond Member
Ummmmm, Smells like pepper!
reddevil1111
Diamond Member
Good one. Love the end.
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