W
Wagon
Sometimes the madness of what you used to do for a living does not hit you until someone puts it into perspective. These are from some old archives I had in my computer. Some of them are quite good.
Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for
six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub
and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make
sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the
wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through
them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water
heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much
water, so no bathing will be allowed.
. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain every 3 hours after you go to
sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months
. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different
one-- the same one every night.
32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room,
and run it all day long.
33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds
per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.
36. Add 1/3 cup of Diesel fuel to the laundry.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink
beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them
that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for
liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney
World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an
inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the
alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your
top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the
backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man
overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they
respond.
. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. Best done when the
weather is worst. January is a good time.
Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for
six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub
and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make
sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the
wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through
them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water
heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much
water, so no bathing will be allowed.
. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain every 3 hours after you go to
sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months
. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different
one-- the same one every night.
32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room,
and run it all day long.
33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds
per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.
36. Add 1/3 cup of Diesel fuel to the laundry.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink
beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them
that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for
liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney
World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an
inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the
alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your
top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the
backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man
overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they
respond.
. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals. Best done when the
weather is worst. January is a good time.
