Is There Hope For The Future

[Ned]

Oh yes. Understood. But it's physio for the mind, isn't it? I had to work through it, last year (basically mate I seem to be about a year ahead of what you're doing). There are whole monthts that I can NOT be sure what I did. So I took my foot of the pedal a bit and have managed to steer the Ned through those rapids, now I am learning to be a bit better organised (as I used to be on ops) and be a bit less pleasant (ditto).

 

[Bill Simmons]

Just copy what Wagon said and you will know me. This is the first site or place I ever really said much or talked about me. It is shocking to see so much of myself in other people on this site. I guess I may have heard the words PTSD at some point before someone told me that's what I had. My first reaction was what the hell is that. Then it hit me, I've had this shit from the day I left Nam.

I knew I was screwed up from the time I got back in 1970 but I just thought everybody was like that.

I knew something was up when I tried to stop using drugs and went to treatment. Drug use is drug use but I knew there was something they were missing with me. My reasons for using drugs just did not match the people around me.

Good news is I am getting better and I think my involvement here will help me and if I am lucky perhaps someone else. There is always hope. If my years in the dark keeps just one other person from suffering long term with this shit it will have been worth it.

 

[Wagon]

Ned I think you lighted on something there. Overcoming your weaknesses and dealing with them is an accomplishment, puts the Beast in a corner. Using your weaknesses to turn something into a strength. Now that nails the Beast right between the eyes.

 

[JarHed]

Overcoming your weaknesses and dealing with them is an accomplishment, Using your weaknesses to turn something into a strength. Now that nails the Beast right between the eyes.

That's quite a statement. Personally I don't look at our condition as a weakness. It's more something that happened to us that we had no control over. We were trained to act and react in a certain way. No one told us there could be another way. Weakness or strength can be seen from a particular point of view. I'm sure many that have PTSD in the beginning may think of themselves as 'weak' for not being able to overcome it by themselves.They aren't.

Just as it is with addicts, or binge eaters or heavy drinkers or a laundry list of problems that all stem from some psychological beginning, all have tremendous difficulty with the first step. Admitting that they have a problem and that they need help. That's a big hurdle to get over. I still have problems with asking for help;even when I know I need it. So I'm not setting myself up as 'Mr.Knowitall' when it comes to that.

Many times when Nam vets talk about their experiences I hear their words echo in my head. Like someone heard my thoughts. The sooner that someone can realize that they need help and get it the better it is for all concerned. But whenever someone reaches that conclusion is better late than never.

A while back I never thought I'd ever have a good or decent day again in my life. That can make you on nasty mofo. But as time has gone on and I've gotten some help and worked at it I actually do have some good ones. Hey, I actually said that. For me, it's about hope for the future, how ever long it is.

Jar

 

[Wagon]

You got it JarHed. Hope is an element nobody can live without. And if they do. You can't really call it living.

 

[JarHed]

You got it JarHed. Hope is an element nobody can live without. And if they do. You can't really call it living.

:)

 

[Jimmy1]

There is always hope for the future, it's just that some people cannot see it.

Half the people in the world walk around with blinkers on and just can't see the big picture. Then one day, someone tells them something and 'Whammo' the blinkers are gone and they then go around preaching.

 

[Bill Simmons]

'Many times when Nam vets talk about their experiences I hear their words echo in my head. Like someone heard my thoughts."

Ditto JarHed

 

[tho9900]

In the last year I really have learnt to view the damage I sustained as a plus. Now I can breeze through things that would've f*cked me a year ago. But like you it took hitting bottom to bounce back. Your mind's not wrecked mate, it's harder. As to what we do? Well, I think most of us are no longer content to be spoon-fed. I chase my work, but I am seriously thinking of looking to something more true.
I'd like to spend more time and effort (than I do already) keeping our guys alive.

Again Ned your words ring true... there are things in the last few weeks that would have left me drunk in my apt with the lights out for a few weeks a yr ago.. calling in sick more often than not..

Now I am getting in to work early, maintaining fairly well... For me I think it was when Nichol went out of town for a few weeks and I was house sitting.... different environment.... she is very spiritual so I started picking up books and reading em... I am trying to find that quiet spot inside right now that even though there is a storm outside of me, I can be the eye of it where the calm is...

After yesterday I woulda been a wreck for weeks... and my parents woulda been up to check on me etc... ya the ripple effect is happening but hey.. I am here... I am alive and functioning... that's more than I coulda done in the past...

I know it's not always gonna be this easy and I am not gonna say "I got this"... I just know with my safety net... Nichol, my parents... the VA, the crisis hotline... and ya... yall... I am a lot better off than I was before..

 

[tho9900]

Then when it is over, whether it is one tour or you were a lifer, what do you do now? What will compare?

When we were in, most of us were in the peak of physical shape. Our minds were sharp. Our motivation level high. When I look at myself and other vets, we almost all led sedentary lives, gained weight, topped living a life with vest and vigor. PTSD? Mid-life crisis? How does that happen? Why does that happen? What can we do about it or do to replace it?

You can see my post in Discussion about yesterday... I am sedentary yes... I drink (way) too much and eat way too unhealthy compared to back then... I went from running 5 miles a day to walking 2 (just cuz I have to....) from point A to point B, C and D at work... we will always have what we were given... we will always have what we learned...

While those people were standing around the pool yelling "he was on the bottom" it was a slightly overweight, definitely out of shape vet who ran in, looked in the pool and jumped in.. not bragging.. but I knew what had to be done and did it.. the whole way swimming him from the the deep end of the pool to where I could stand all I thought about was how this was gonna screw up my mind...

We have something the average person doesn't (besides PTSD) .. clarity of mind and the ability to think clearly.. perhaps too clearly in times of chaos...

What will compare? Honest... what will compare to us now??? overweight, middle aged to senior citizen, sedentary drunk bastards... but I know each one of you when the shite hits the fan will be up to it..

look around you today and think who else you can say that about..

 

[tho9900]

and ya I am thinking way too much this morn... trying to keep myself busy...

 

[Wagon]

I hear you Tho. The sedentary living is really crap. Does not help the self esteem at all. All I can say it is a conscious effort to change a little at a time and feel good about that change.

I started with diet and am working my way up to exercise. Try to walk just for the hell of it. Walk around. Observe this old world in detail. try to use energy. Eat out of smaller bowls, make list of healthy things to buy at the store and only buy those things. Healthy snacks. That way when the tape worm starts kickin. You only got what you got. No bad stuff.

Of course having depression and anxiety makes this little endeavour much like trying to attack a rhino with a pencil. But we gotta try or we die.

Wagon.