Funny Deployment Stories And More...

[tho9900]

men all in one room, nut to butt

lol man that brings back some memories... I used that term one day at work and the guys all backed up like two feet from me like I had the plague... I was like what? Get your asses on the elevator we can all fit!

 

[Sludge]

lol man that brings back some memories... I used that term one day at work and the guys all backed up like two feet from me like I had the plague... I was like what? Get your asses on the elevator we can all fit!

Yeah, what is it with civies and their fear of "nuts to butts"?

Hell, they all enjoy sitting on Santa's lumpy lap and he always smells of cheap whiskey....

 

[Sludge]

I guess I will toss in a fun one for ya's. This is actually a pretty common occurrence on Navy ships.

So the Phalanx CIWS always has a big red circle painted around it. In Squid Speake a big red paint circle says "stay the f*ck out if you do not want to die a horrible painful death".

For some reason, Marines (Yes, I am pointing at ALL of you, zeros included) think a CIWS mount is the best, safest place to hang out, nap, sunbathe, clean their guns, whatever. After the fiftieth time of having to chase them off the mount so I could do work on it, or worse pulling geedunk wrappers out of the emergency locks and manual controls, I took revenge to the next step.

Wanna sunbathe on my pristine white platform covers and stuff you trash in a multi-million dollar weapon? Ok buddy.

I went out in town next port of call and bought about 200 bucks worth of the local equivalent to Icy-Hot. I very carefully melted it into liquid with a torch and painted a thick coat all over the horizontal surfaces Marines love to lay on with no shirt.

One of the butterbars asked what I was doing, I explained it was a wax coating to keep the birdshit off.
Then we set up a camera on the signal shack with help from the ETs and RMs (now known as ITs). We hooked it up to a VCR and waited. We got what we needed.


About the same time as sickbay started getting flooded with Marines with "chemical burns" on their backs and chests, and the seat of their pants, a short film showed up in rotation on both of the ship's movie channels.

Think about how much of that stuff gets into your pores when you are hot and sweaty and laying directly on a thick layer of it....


That butterbar form earlier asked if my birdshit repellent worked. I explained it didn't, but it sure as hell kept the shitbirds away.

 

[tho9900]

Yeah, what is it with civies and their fear of "nuts to butts"?

Hell, they all enjoy sitting on Santa's lumpy lap and he always smells of cheap whiskey....

lol I had to go back and read this a second time... some fat ass drunk guy, with your kid on his lap.....

oh I forgot to add old too...


hell I stayed away from the CIWS, it was just above my berthing off the flight deck, the ammo compartment for it was part of our berthing... we used to go in there to sleep when we didnt want to be found.... not that they made the Marines do much watch but we had a silver bar who loved to come around and do inspections... think it gave him a hard on... of course that all stopped when we found the rounds the CIWS used were encased spent uranium.. omg the size of those shells were like a porno in themselves when you thought about it spitting 4500 rounds a minute out... I just know it would vibrate my glass off the table at chow if it opened up and that was 8 decks down... one amidships one aft.. I can imagine the dmg that could do...

 

[armyvetwolf]

omg the size of those shells were like a porno in themselves when you thought about it spitting 4500 rounds a minute out... I just know it would vibrate my glass off the table at chow if it opened up and that was 8 decks down... one amidships one aft.. I can imagine the dmg that could do...

lol for some reason i got really bad thoughts from this, hahahahaha

 

[Wagon]

I'm not sooo enthusiastic about the guns. Most of my time was spent on the bridge, so on one ship in particular we were surrounded by armament. 2 CIWS one deck above us, 2 twin 38, 5 inch guns one deck below and we sat virtually on top of turret 2. 3 x 16 inch 50 cal.

So when all that starts cooking off, it gets kind of loud and hellish up there. Mostly the reason my ears are trashed, sound powered phones don't do shit for protection. The 5 inchers are the worst and mount 51 and 52 were probably the most dangerous. Who knows which way they would shoot next. Fired a round at the bridge once and tried to blast the bow off. The CIWS is the second least favorite. We had 4. Somehow sitting 10ft away from this tweaking RTD2 thing that's ready to spew bullets at a moments notice did not make you feel great. We always treated it with a healthy degree of respect. Mostly because we wondered if it would start to take on the attitude of it's 5 inch cousins and try to mow us down.

The 16 inchers are not bad. Lower frequency. Just have to make sure you are behind the concussion wave. The ship mostly took the punishment. We did a bad angle shoot once. (a few times but this was notable) Right gun turret one was pointed way aft. The muzzle was right at bridge level and you could almost look down the barrel. Boooom!

The chart table disintegrated (I ran to the other side of the bridge), the captains toilette in his underway cabin exploded and flooded part of the chart house and his cabin. The GPS and our WSN (hi tech compass) were no longer working. All the doors that were not watertight on the bridge deck had their locks destroyed and were blown open. A resounding WTF? was uttered and gun exercises were secured for the day. I got yelled at for not protecting the chart table. LMAO.

Funny, the only weapon I felt good about on that ship was a 5o cal. machine gun mounted on the bow, manned by a marine shooting killer tomatoes. Ahh, Killer Tomatoes. We failed to bring world peace, but we sure as hell saved humanity from ocean going killer tomatoes. I'll have to write a thread about that.

 

[Sludge]

I'm not sooo enthusiastic about the guns. Most of my time was spent on the bridge, so on one ship in particular we were surrounded by armament. 2 CIWS one deck above us, 2 twin 38, 5 inch guns one deck below and we sat virtually on top of turret 2. 3 x 16 inch 50 cal.

So when all that starts cooking off, it gets kind of loud and hellish up there. Mostly the reason my ears are trashed, sound powered phones don't do shit for protection. The 5 inchers are the worst and mount 51 and 52 were probably the most dangerous. Who knows which way they would shoot next. Fired a round at the bridge once and tried to blast the bow off. The CIWS is the second least favorite. We had 4. Somehow sitting 10ft away from this tweaking RTD2 thing that's ready to spew bullets at a moments notice did not make you feel great. We always treated it with a healthy degree of respect. Mostly because we wondered if it would start to take on the attitude of it's 5 inch cousins and try to mow us down.

The 16 inchers are not bad. Lower frequency. Just have to make sure you are behind the concussion wave. The ship mostly took the punishment. We did a bad angle shoot once. (a few times but this was notable) Right gun turret one was pointed way aft. The muzzle was right at bridge level and you could almost look down the barrel. Boooom!

The chart table disintegrated (I ran to the other side of the bridge), the captains toilette in his underway cabin exploded and flooded part of the chart house and his cabin. The GPS and our WSN (hi tech compass) were no longer working. All the doors that were not watertight on the bridge deck had their locks destroyed and were blown open. A resounding WTF? was uttered and gun exercises were secured for the day. I got yelled at for not protecting the chart table. LMAO.

Funny, the only weapon I felt good about on that ship was a 5o cal. machine gun mounted on the bow, manned by a marine shooting killer tomatoes. Ahh, Killer Tomatoes. We failed to bring world peace, but we sure as hell saved humanity from ocean going killer tomatoes. I'll have to write a thread about that.

I had forgotten all about killer tomatoes. We used to use them for 25mm training.

I was on the tow crew for the Mighty Mo when they brought her back to Norfolk for museum prep. Battleships are all the porno an FC or GM needs...

 

[Wagon]

I just remembered that we had blast radius ratings on both ships I was on. The first, an ancient tender named Fulton (Built 1939) had an N2 O2 plant on the main deck aft right at the quarterdeck. The mayor of New London was upset because our blast radius was 1 mile and would take out part of downtown. There was a big red light over the door to the O2 N2 room. I asked a guy on watch one time. "Hey, what happens if the light goes on" He said. "You have about 2 minutes to die".

The Battleship had a blast radius of 2.5 miles I think. Came close to testing the estimate on the New Jersey, Iowa and Wisconsin.

The funny thing in this though is that it was never a question of survival, it was just a matter of good form.

If you are going to blow up, could you please do it away from everyone so they don't get hurt.

The Iowa was pretty notorious for having half witted ship drivers so people who knew her always gave us plenty of room. Our reputation was pretty bad.

-Wiped out channel buoy in Hampton Roads channel.......then reported it as a missing aid to navigation. Ship had a big red mark down one side. Painted over that quickly.
-Very nearly crashed into USS John F Kennedy. Hence proceeding to take out channel buoy.
-Within inches of cutting the USS Roberts in half. Mid Atlantic.
-Very nearly crushed a Canadian Frigate by not looking before we turned. Quick witted Captain of Frigate came hard to port, cruised up beside us....rendered honors and then pissed off. Russian Krevak Frigate that was shadowing us decided to now keep a 5 mile distance from us.
-When turret 2 exploded, ships asking us if we required assistance were told "Stay clear, at least 2.5 miles away. No fly overs."
-Captain freaked out going up Mississippi River in fog. At the mouth of the river he suddenly took over from the pilot and turned the ship around. Me on the phones. "It's not a nav aid, but I can almost touch this oil rig"
-Famous words from Navigator after brushing the ground. "If I knew where we were, we wouldn't be lost"
-Pulling into Portsmouth UK, Captain suddenly wakes up and starts yelling at the pilot....."Where the hell are you going?" Almost takes over again, but the British Naval Officer politely explains that we were about to hit a sea mount so it was important that they turn.

And countless other near misses and naval embarrassments. Kind of lucky to be alive.

 

[Anglesachse]

I had the joy of going to HMS Raleigh in Torpoint, Cornwall in the UK back in the late 8o`s. It is the British Navy training depot.

Spent 1 week down there on Adventure Training, getting my Competent Crew ticket for sails. We got offered the opportunity to try the "Damage Control" and "Fire Fighting" simulators and training facilities.

Ended up doing flood damage, in some box on legs full of Pipes, Taps and Electrics. I never know water could fill a space so f*cking quickly.

I never envied you Navy guys after that. Real scary stuff.

There just isn`t any room to f*ck up on a ship. At least on the ground you can bug out to the ERV.

I love sailing and am a real nutter on water. But willingly enter a Sardine Tin and go to war! F*ck that.

You Navy boys have some balls I will give you that.

 

[BV101]

There was once a blue on blue or whatever, maybe purple on purple with the other side. A group near us but some of the other side in our kit (uniform stretches it) for sandbag duty. Didn't end well at all. I'm pretty weak on funny stories other than that. We had some good one liners though.

Hey, did you hear? The ceasefire in mostar is holding!
No I didn't hear!
No... Nor did I.

Hey, its over, we won, we can go home. Oh shit we are home!

Can I get a taxi...

Thats as funny as we got.

 

[Anglesachse]

Nice to see you back again Alan.

 

[Wagon]

Be thankful you did not have to do the fire training.

Dress up in 1940's fire fighting gear. Take big black building....douse with gas. Light on fire. Throw fire team into building. Challenge them to put out the fire..............periodically start fires behind them as time goes by.

It does teach you to focus during those extreme moments. Panic is just death in flooding or fire. Groton had the USS Dixie. A submarine flooding simulator. You got 6 people, a bunch of rope, some pieces of wood and 15 minutes. Most of the water coming in is at 110psi. Big fun. You do it until you succeed.