I Can't Make New Friends

[Marine/w/PTSD]

I've been out of the Marines for a long time going on 7 years now, and as each year passes, my ability to make new friends diminishes. The few friends I have are forever, and those are the ones I have gone to war with, however for the general populace, I can't relate enough to them. Their concerns seem minor and petty, I can't seem to develop enough patience to care.

The worst part of it all is I know I have the skills to make plenty of friends, but for some reason I refuse to put them to use. I refuse to start conversations. I'm not ugly and I'm in decent shape and I have good conversation skills yet I refuse to start a conversation with a girl. When I see a girl has her eye on me I go out of my way to avoid her.

I've learned to be deal with the anguish that comes with being alone, and now I'm able withstand being alone but I still don't like it. The VA compensation I'm getting, I think is enabling me to behave more and more secluded with no hope of further assimilation back into humanity. I'm hooked webcam sites where interaction is based purely on the amount of coin you have to present. The only thing keeping me going, I think is the few conversations I have once a week or so with my old military buddies. I'm being painfully honest here, please treat with kid gloves

 

[Ned]

Morning, 1st.
You haven't lost the ability to make friends or relationships, but the desire.
Different animal. Many people here will recognise your experience, the intolerance of civvies, the ability to cope with being alone in preference to train-wreck interaction.
Unfortunately it seems to be part of the process. But not the end of. Speaking from experience, one day the right good trigger will happen. A little kid smiling at you, the right lass, a shared and unexpected insight from someone you're talking to...
Keep the comms open, on all levels. Here is a good place to start.
It can get better.

 

[Marine/w/PTSD]

Thank you Ned for your timely and gentle response, I agree with what you say, it just re affirms that putting 2 and 2 together is always better with considerate interjection.

 

[Anglesachse]

1st mate. I left Military in 95, and have only in the last couple of years realised that I was only ever working in Secluded jobs (Haulage and Security) or strangely enough office and mechanic jobs with other vets.

In all that time the few times I managed to get friendly with civvies they were normally female. Nothing sexual, but I know that most civvie blokes I ever met were idiots, with whom I did not, and could not relate to.

Now having my own shop and punters allways coming and going, there are a few people (30ish blokes) who try and get friendly, go down the pub with them.

And every time I do go, I confirm for myself what a bunch of idiots civvies are. No sooner are we in the pub and I am looking for the first reason to leave.

But none the less there are still the odd few who prove me otherwise and for whom I have the time and the effort. (it is only 2, but hey better than none)

I think the biggest thing with getting on with civvies is their lack of knowledge as to who and what we Vets are, and not being of our maturity?, I am not 100% sure if that is the right word for what I mean but I can`t think of another that fits. If you understand what I mean.

 

[Marine/w/PTSD]

Anglesache, when you speak of maturity, I know what your mean, but it goes far beyond maturity and that one word is not encompassing enough to describe the emotional progress made by experiencing war. You're right though, there will always be some that are going defy the majority, and for that reason I do not stop trying even though my attempts do become fewer over the years.

 

[JarHed]

Hey 1st

I know it's no consolation but I'm very much like you and probably quite a bit older. Actually, I'm older than dirt.

I don't have friends, except for folks here. I've had some very bad experiences with people that I've known for a long time and thought were my 'friends' but turned out to be otherwise. So, much like you, I find myself isolated. But, it's also become a choice for me. Except for going to group sessions and Tai Chi I don't interact with people at all. Honestly, at this point I don't care to. In many ways I'd rather just be with my dogs.

I must add that I'm married and have been for a very long time. She's my best friend as well and I can talk about anything with her. But in all other things, I'm alone.

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is that something you want forever or do you want it to change? There are good people out there that have never been in the military. And if I was single it would be a different story altogether. Part of the problem of having PTSD comes from a general distrust of all but military people. That can change if you want it to. You'll have to work on it though. Find some place that feels comfortable for you to interact with people, you probably know what that is already. If you focus on the fear it will almost surely come true. If you want to meet people and develop some new friends do some things that you like and you'll probably meet some like minded people. Give yourself the time and be open to new possibilities. Best of luck.

JarHed

 

[Marine/w/PTSD]

Well, I'm still pretty young JarHed, through maybe I've aged mentally more than I'd like to. Still I like hearing words of wisdom that are not my own for once, even if it's what I already know, I still like hearing it. I happy for you that you have someone in your life that you can talk to namely your wife. I have yet to find a good place to meet people, although honestly any place is good as long I decide to put forth some courage in initiating some interaction. Thank you for your input and encouragement.

 

[Zipperhead]

I don't think it has anything to do with Civi's not being mature. The guys we were overseas with earned our trust in ways no civi ever could. We didn't need to look behind us when the shit came down. We knew they were still there. Even the guys we didn't like (and admit, there were some) still had our back. We went into places that civi's run away from, and we had each other's back.

Civi's don't understand this. Not because they are civi's, but because they never had to really trust someone. They never HAD to depend on others with ever ounce of their being. So when we look for the qualities in others that we consider the mark of a man, we are left wanting. Wouldn`t trust any of them further than we could throw them. But it`s not that they are any differant then us. They just never learned what it was like to have to depend on others.

Simple solution? To terms. Friends and buddies. Buddies are those that we can chum around with for fun and intertainment. Watch the game as it were. But when we need help, that's where we need friends. Friends have your back. Not everyone needs to be your friend. But you can still have a cordial interaction with civi's, just don't expect to much. They haven't learned how to be friends.

We have been there. We went for many reasons. One of those reasons was so that our families at home would be safe. We didn't want them there with us. We didn't want our kids to have to do that. So why would we want them to understand now? The only way to understand is to live it. Fire Fighters, Police Officers and Soldiers have to trust to a degree that civi's will never understand. They don't understand because we did our job.

 

[Marine/w/PTSD]

Zipperhead, I don't live in that black and white world that your describing, for me I mix everything up and its pretty much all grey. For me maturity is something you learn, when you need to do things you don't like to do, but you know needs to be done. Overcoming the emotional hurdles that keep you from getting the job done is part of maturity, so yes maturity absolutely has something to do with it. Since those of us who have served have had to things no civi would want to touch upon, we're forced go beyond the normal threshold of maturity that a civi needs to go through in order to hold a job/family etc.

Trust, I trust everyone to a certain degree, mainly because I know they are afraid to get themselves hurt, so that's on a primal level. I've never trusted my battle buddies with every fiber of my being like you claim, not all were capable to the right/left of me, some needed some serious looking after. They may have had my back but, I didn't rely on it even though that's what I was trained to do.

One difference between you and me, I don't like buddies, I like friends, so no I don't have any buddies, maybe that's something I need to work on. I think that's a good idea too.

Anyways I thank you for your input even if I don't agree with everything your saying.

 

[Zipperhead]

The world can get aweful lonely if you hold everyone around you to the same level as your true friends have achieved. I live no where`s near a base now. The guys I served with for the most part live out west, 3 days drive from here. But I still have people here I interact with. I play in a band. They are a good bunch, but they are not the same as my old friends. I go out, do my thing and we have some laughs. The only problem I'm still really having is often they invite me to do social activities out side of band functions. I will admit, I have reservations meeting them at bars for a drink, or going to house parties. I may play the bagpipes, but noisy places are triggering for me. Big contradiction there I know. Crowds aren't fun either. But I do it. I usually don't stay long, but I participate to the best of my abilities. They all have their lives, and most of their troubles are petty, but that is their lives. The will never really understand where I have been.

Almost half my band are Fire Fighters. We also have an ER Nurse and even a Surgeon. And a token Cop. Interestingly, I relate better with them then other civi's. All people used to working as a team in life or death situations. Perhaps that's where you could start. Find someone with a back ground you can relate to, and go from there. To say that the guy working as a cashier at the corner store can't relate is kind of unfair. He is as mature as his experiences have made him. I personnally think it's sad that some people have so little ambition in life. But that's their life. Their reality.

My life now is cleaning my house and volunteering down at my church (don't go there guys, we don't need it on this forum) Reality says that I am one of the people not maturing. Wasting my life. Well, I've already done 22 years in the Army, 5 tours, and been wounded twice. My baggage is slowing me down a bit. But I can still accept that others are still trying to get ahead, and their petty squables are obsticles in their path. If the hardest thing you have ever done is shovel a driveway, then that driveway looks like a mountain. When it's done, you pride yourself at your accomplishment. Smile and nod. They don't know any better.

 

[Ned]

Well said Zip. 1st, you have to, ohh, I don't know, lower your standards?
Those around you now can't begin to meet that level of 'trustability' if your oppos didn't.
You applied grey-scale to combat mates but can't apply it now in civvy street?
Wrong way round, mate.

 

[Marine/w/PTSD]

I have some serious trust issues, so it's not going to be so easy for me to just lower my standards, i wish i could and have also tried, but I have the strong tendency to put my guard back up when i wake up in the morning.