Have A Question For PTSD Sufferers Regarding Alcohol

[helena]

Hi,

Wonder if you could answer this for me:

If you have (had?) a problem with alcohol abuse as opposed to alcohol dependance and you were trying to control it - how can your partner/carer help you?

If there are boundaries, say no alcohol or only 2 drinks a day and you break those boundaries (but pretend you haven't even though you're clearly drunk) Should it be ignored or should something be said to avoid the constant denial and walking on eggshells etc

In the short term, I guess the response to any deceit being exposed is anger but I am wondering whether in the long term it is better for it to be out in the open.

Would appreciate your opinions

 

[Xenu]

They can help by tolerating our cravings, which we'll have every night. We alcoholics need tough love sometimes, he should definitely be firm about boundaries in this area. Its best to not attempt moderate drinking once you know you have a problem. For me, its about building momentum. When I don't have any(like right now), there's nothing to stop me from drinking again. For myself, I think total abstinence is going to be required. In the long run, this is going to kill us whether we're open or not. I don't mean to sound harsh, I've just learned some hard lessons in this area.

 

[Deleted member 541]

If a person is addicted to alcohol, and is a raging drunk, then there is only one answer, no booze!!!! The biggest problem is that the person with the problem has PTSD also, so it isn't quite as easy.....

I think that if there is alcohol abuse going on, then the ONLY person that needs to do anything about it, is the person that drinks. He/she is the only one that can control that issue.. Setting boundaries isn't going to help, this isn't an issue of someone overstepping boundaries, this is a more serious issue.

People with PTSD use alcohol to numb the pain, to avoid thinking about our trauma, ect a lousy coping skill, but one that is used......Until this person is ready to face their trauma and issues, he/she will most likely continue to drink....

 

[anthony]

Alcohol, like cigarettes, drugs and workaholism, is a coping strategy for a sufferer. You cannot just remove any one of them, because it will fail. You typically cannot just say, two drinks a day, that's it, or even compromise to two drinks a day, because when the shit hits the fan in a sufferers head, they will go to what they know works as a coping strategy.

The only way to really change this and get a sufferer to a realistic drinking level, is to substitute the habit with another more positive coping strategy, for their health and your own. Most military sufferers will use alcohol and cigarettes, as they are two methods encouraged within all armed forces. They are the militaries method to help keep soldiers in control.

 

[helena]

Thank you - unfortunately I have just done the precise opposite about 2 hours ago!!

Things have picked up so I wanted to cut him some slack so to speak and said that 2 drinks (lager) a day and no drinking before I came home was all I could tolerate until he got better. (This followed an argument because he says I shouldn't mention his drinking at all and I said that was impossible if he is falling down drunk!)

He is so happy right now because I've conceded to this - I hope I haven't blown it.

 

[anthony]

Do not get me wrong here... it is not ok for him to get drunk and abuse you... not acceptable. If he is drinking to cope, then we all know its an unhealthy way to cope. So it needs to be replaced by a different coping strategy. This doesn't take months, it just takes some thinking and action. End of the day, he must take responsibility for his own actions, which impact you and your relationship. If he is abusing you by drinking, then he should be moderating it so he is not abusing you, without question.

Do not enable behaviour, but at the same time, just saying "you must stop this or can't do this..." will not achieve the desired end result. He must learn and understand the damage alcohol is doing to him and your relationship, he must learn and understand that it is a coping strategy and can be replaced by far more healthier options... so instead of drinking he does x.

Like anything, commonsense must be applied and change is done over a month or two, but certainly no more than that would be needed. Two drinks a day and some alcohol free days is a reasonable expectation... you just cannot get there today, you must have a strategy because it is obviously his method of coping. Again, there is nothing wrong with getting pissed one night a week or fortnight providing you do not get abused. If you do get abused as a result, then it is not an option. Moderation is usually the key.

 

[anthony]

(This followed an argument because he says I shouldn't mention his drinking at all and I said that was impossible if he is falling down drunk!)

He needs to wakeup to the facts here... if you are his partner, then this doesn't exactly show you the respect you deserve. As his partner, you have every right to talk with him about his drinking if it is causing you issues, which will be causing your relationship issues, which equals, no relationship if he keeps going the way he is.

You need to get this across to him, but without arguing. Yelling will do nothing with him except cause further issues.

 

[helena]

Thanks Anthony,

Am having problems replying to the site (not sure if it is due to my server in work) so may have to wait until I get home.

Think coping strategies are important - he likes watching films/tv/cooking/rugby (he used to play a lot) and when he can sum up the energy, likes to garden and create landscapes etc.

Unfortunately, when the black moods come not much can lift him out of it other than alcohol.

Im glad I found this site - I think I have learnt so much already. I want to send a message to Nicolette to thank her for her email but I won't risk trying again with this server.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Self-medicating is common - unfortunately. It is a wonderful way of not dealing with PTSD. Unfortunately, it backfires -normally in a huge way. Two drinks become 3 - 3 become 6 etc. Especially if he is an alcoholic also.

Having said that - HE is responsible for his actions. YOU can not change him or make him stop drinking. Only he can make that decision for himself. So the question really is- what are you willing to put up with? What are your boundaries?

 

[helena]

Hi Sunnybrook,

Good question - I feel like I live half a life.

A very good friend said to me (reluctantly) that he is ruining my life.

He is, I know. So why can't I just walk away????

Tonight he is drunk again. His phone is switched off (again) and I will probably get a call quite late with abuse (again)

And so it goes on....

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Helena -

I am not the best person to give advice about not putting up with abuse. However, it sounds like you really need to spend some time thinking about why you allow him to treat you this way.

Maybe, just don't answer that call tonight and give yourself some time?

 

[Deleted member 541]

Helena,

The drinking will continue, and the abuse will continue until he decides to take the steps to stop drinking. It's one thing to talk about finding better and healthier coping skills as Anthony has pointed out to you already, but it still comes down to your boyfriend WANTING to stop drinking. Apparently he isn't ready to stop, and no matter what you do or say, isn't going to stop him...

Changing to a healthier coping skill isn't an easy thing to do either, there will be times that he will fall off the wagon, and go back to drinking. He may develop other bad coping skills. It just depends on how badly he wants to get healthy.....

In the mean time, YOU need to NOT put up with his abuse. He will continue to abuse you, as long as you let him......YOU do have control over that issue. You don't have to see him, talk to him, or date him.....It's called boundaries......You need to set some with him.....JMO!!!!!!