I Feel...

[BX_JarHed]

its been so long since i've been back here so i guess its time to sound off,

My Feelings overwhelm me, im Sad, im angry i'm frustrated. i feel hopeless and helpless i've been on my meds, trying to follow the treatment plan, then all of a sudden i dont even want the pills i dont want the numbness, i dont want the bullshit i just want to be my old self. Im an Iraq vet. i go to the VA i do the treatments, i go to school i get good grades, i even made the Honor Society, but nothing seems to stir me. i find myself with a diarrhea of the mouth, as if im justifying my service. my school is predominantly not american, i walk around feeling alone, for the few moments im not alone i still feel alone, the last girl i dated was almost a year ago, i had a friend point out to me that every girl in the room was interested in me, a two weeks before the class ended. the entire time i was oblivious to them for some reason i miss my ex-wife, and my ex- girlfriend. i feel like im crazy, i have random fits of rage, while im driving. when i do sleep its due to the medications that help me sleep. i dont know what to do. im afraid of going to the VA and saying something because im not homicidal or suicidal, it just feels like things are slipping away

 

[combatgoldfish]

I've been there myself. I got on the meds, tried a lot of them, the meds made me feel like a zombie, and I did the treatments they didn't help me. I went to college full time, most of that I was able to maintain good grades. I rarely socialize with schoolmates. The only one I socialized with was a girl that had recently beat cancer. I beat Iraq, she beat cancer, good fit right?

I had a 11yr old relationship crumble when I came home, it made it just shy of 2yrs after I landed in the states. Took a few months, found a girl friend but that's been an unstable tour of duty.

I got off the meds, hated feeling like such a zombie and drinking didn't help. I went off the meds and stopped hitting the bottle so hard. I still have issues, anger, depression, major anxiety, but at least I can deal with it in my own ways instead of the alcoholic medicated route.

The best things to do is find things you still enjoy that are healthy, that keep you busy and find those outlet's that release anger and or suppress it. Things that work for me, a dog, shooting and camping. There's a lot of things out there, you can find several examples from a wide range of veteran's here.

Great thing about the VA is you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. They hear some shit trust me. Just don't indicate you're going to harm yourself or others and let the venting flow.

 

[SGT.Sunshine.]

I still go through that shit, so your not alone though it allways feels that way. I would love to find out some of the 20 year old hotties were interested in me.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

There's real wisdom in what combatgoldfish said. The beauty is stil there, but you have to change perspective to see it. That means you have to keep looking.

It's not easy, and happens very slowly. At first you just see tiny chimpses, maybe in someone's smile, or a sunset, a line from a song............................. It won't seam like much, but it's something to build on, a reason to keep trying.

SD

 

[atilla]

Meds or alcohol didnt help me either CGF, SD.. Taking a step back and really looking at what's out there in the world we live in. Finding a zen, your zen.

 

[Friday]

Do you think it's all slipping away, or that you need the next goal post? You've got the basics, now, and got them solid it sounds like... So maybe it's 'just' (ha, f*cked up word of ever there was one) that you're moving forward? Time to add some things into your life that you just couldn't do while focusing on the basics?

Maybe not. Honest question.

 

[BX_JarHed]

thanks everyone for all your helpful posts,
CGF: there isnt much to hunt in a major city, i wish that there was a better outlet for everything but i live in one of those we dont like people having guns cities, which is why i cant wait to finish my degree, and move back to a rural setting.
SD: i cant help but to feel that everyone is somewhat motivated by things other than love. and finding it online is a task beyond my own control. but i know that if i keep pushing on things will get better but not immediately.
Attilla: it feels as if my zen is staying to myself and my fellow vets. i guess thats my zen...
Friday: at times i do feel like its all slipping away, like water through my fingers and no matter how hard i cup my hands i just can't hold on to it. so i focus on the loss, is it bad that i dont focus on the feeling of the moment? (feels like i'm in this downward spiral and i can see the end result of empty victories.

But i will keep on keeping on, and seeing whats ahead, its empty, lonely, and i guess there is nothing to fear as i am not having HI/SI just feel like i'm lost in the multitude of sheeple.

 

[Raven]

How, precisely, does your friend know that every girl in the room was interested in you? Because they may have glanced in your direction? Just wondering...

Anyway, find something you can focus on. An interesting book series. A charity you can get passionate about. A fun hobby. Believe you me, going to school full time doesn't cut it because school is boring so your mind will naturally start mulling over the past. The less you dwell on the past, the less the beast will rattle around in your head.

 

[Raven]

11yr.

You deserve a medal for that. I'm at 2.5 years and I have cabin fever. I don't want to stray, and I don't want to be with anyone else. I just... it's too hard to explain. I want space again. I wanted him more when we were awkwardly courting each other. Now the chase is long over. Long-term relationships are so dull, but I guess it's part of growing up. My last marriage ended before things slowed down to a grinding halt.

 

[BX_JarHed]

How, precisely, does your friend know that every girl in the room was interested in you? Because they may have glanced in your direction? Just wondering...

just the body language, amount of one on one time requested, and over the observance of a period of time, that and not to try to seem like "that guy" but there were many home made foods offered after the topic was asked about everyones favorite meals... meh... it doesn't matter that my buddy is a female does it?

 

[Raven]

I look at people all the time. I might watch someone because he's wearing a funny shirt, or I like her hair style. I like looking at people when they seem interesting, or when they're doing something interesting, and it has nothing to do with attraction.

You come off a certain way. It seems alien to these birds, so they're curious but they may not be romantically interested in you. Not trying to burst your bubble.

 

[BX_JarHed]

I look at people all the time. I might watch someone because he's wearing a funny shirt, or I like her hair style. I like looking at people when they seem interesting, or when they're doing something interesting, and it has nothing to do with attraction.

You come off a certain way. It seems alien to these birds, so they're curious but they may not be romantically interested in you. Not trying to burst your bubble.

hey I don't pay them any mind, but its nice to know that someone cares. Currently i have found a new person and we just had our first argument, i contemplated taking her home...but its only been about three weeks so im thinking about giving her the put up or pull out conversation. because i dont want to hurt her, but i know eventually i will, its the nature of the beast. but i know that im in for a hurt locker so i dont open up emotionally, because its easier that way, she needs attention, i need attention, she needs validation, like i need validation, but i also need my space and she doesn't understand that yet. shes a late bloomer, but none of it will mean jack if i break up with her.