PHP here changed my life in a big way, it opened the door to the therapy path I am on now wh...
I will give you some more detail so you will understand how PHP changed my path for the better.
Around may 2016 I had a major bi-polar episode, at the end of june I was hospitalized for 5 days, they had me attend PHP afterwards, right of the bat they referred to everyone as ms firstname or mr firstname, they also placed no expectations or judgements, as PHP was voluntary, so everything they presented was freely ours to consume or not consume. They presented a lot of stuff about behaviors, and coping, a lot. They called it a copying tool kit. Some of the material was DBT type material. It was in that first PHP that after being treated respectful where in the past I was treated by the system with judgements, and no respect just expectations which I often would fail at. And realizing after the first day that no expectations were being placed on me in regards to the material being presented, that it was freely there for me to consume if I wanted to, and if I did not I would not be judged. I quickly realized my distrust of the system has kept me unhappy and miserable, so I decide in PHP I was going to let the walls down and go back into therapy holding back nothing. (that was like jumping off a mountain for me). I had my intake with my new therapist while I was still in PHP, when she asked about trauma or abuse, I disassociated, that was all she needed to know, I had trauma. On my last day of PHP some new client started talking about how she has gotten over her gang R.... (I can say or spell the words without pain), clearly she was not over it or she would not be talking about it. I bolted out of the room when she did this, with staff chasing after me. When I saw my therapist the next week I was in full crisis, and suicidal, but I was not hospitalized right away. Because I had the mindset of letting the walls down and holding back nothing, I started having back to back flashbacks, I could not function and just wanted it to end. My therapist began the process of getting me admitted to Sheppard Pratt's Trauma Disorders Unit, but it took weeks, in the meantime Mobile Crisis did welfare checks on me daily as well as my therapist. SP TDU was was a life changer for me, like the PHP was, It was one of the best things I have ever done. I am not sure if I would be alive today if I had not gone there. They taught me how to manage my PTSD, and started chipping away at some of my minds "locked" thinking. My therapist referred me to Life Crisis for specialized trauma therapy (I have 3 therapists now), and I am now in the process of EMDR. So I have a series of life/game changers.
My regular therapist has said that my case is the most severe trauma she has ever seen, she has said some of her clients have gotten past their trauma and not even needing therapy or psych care anymore, a few she says are still in treatment but just for maintenance. She told me she expects my treatment course has the potential of taking what remaining years I have in my life. While that is depressing, I have no choice but to hope enough change can occur that I can begin to feel safe in this world (I never feel really safe, even when I have some level of feeling safe). The alternative is to give up and not try. And I am not good at that. She also won't let me drop any of my other therapists (TRAUMA & DBT) even though I can't afford them. (Trauma is free, DBT is $200 a month), her rationale is I will fail in the end of getting past my trauma, and since I am considered chronically passively suicidal, it would mean being hospitalized, potentially long term. Because with such failure she knows what I will do (S/I).
I have had a couple crisis events since my hospitalization and PHP in June of 2016 and at Sheppard Pratt, those events resulted in two PHP referral, and 1 hospitalization.
When you sum it all up, I have made huge progress but it's a drop in the bucket. But each step is a step upwards for me.
In the end, I want to be able to exist in this world feeling unguarded and safe. As it stands today, I don't really feel safe anywhere or with anyone, sure I have trust in some, but it's guarded trust as trust can be broken or violated, my brain tells me no one can really be trusted. It's a bad way to be.
Your S/I strikes me as similar to me in one way, your cyclically overwhelmed with your S/I like I was with flashbacks. I hope you give PHP an honest try, it may open doors for you like it did for me. If you need it, consider Sheppard Pratt's Trauma Disorders Unit.
