Relationship At a loss

[Laz]

My wife has diagnosed herself with C-PTSD. Based on what I've read, it seems accurate.
She was raped at ages 5 and 16. Her teenage boyfriend beat her almost to death, and to the point his parents wanted charges filed. She married a man 22 years her senior; he turned out to be a controlling narcissistic alcoholic. She and I have been together for 13 years now, during which time her niece was stabbed to death and her dad died of cancer.
I read another member's post about being accused of not truly listening, and I am guilty of the same. I think I'm listening. She is convinced I'm not. I think it stems from my desire to find solutions. I'm learning that solutions are secondary to the acknowledgement of the emotion. And fixing the problem may require giving no constructive input at all.
An example. Last night she was discussing why she should never have married the old guy. She was in tears. I said, you were 18, he was a father figure whom you felt you could trust, the people trying to talk you out of it were people who had emotionally hurt you in the past, you were blinded by love; what 18 year old wouldn't have made the same decision? It's one thing to say, I wish I knew then what I know now. It's another to say, I should've known that, then, 18 years ago. I told her she was being too hard on herself. And she looked at me like I was from Pluto.
I could write 150 pages right now. Drunken arguments. Suicidal threats. Divorce threats. Convincing herself I'm cheating (which I have never done). Pure amnesia with her indiscretions, including sexual. Incessant boredom, and the constant requirement for me to find something to do, even after she shoots down nine suggestions. Constantly longing for things in the past with no view of the future.
I feel like she needs to be happy, but wants to be miserable, and will go out of her way to make herself so.
Her C-PTSD is joined by depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and alcohol-induced bipolar disorder. She doesn't drink often, but she can't stop when she does. I am considering counseling, and I feel I need it probably more than she does. I need to know how to help her, because my efforts are so inadequate right now.
So if anyone knows something that works, please let me know. I love this woman, I don't want to lose her in any way, and I'm failing her. She doesn't want a counselor, because I'm her husband, her soulmate and best friend, and I should be the one who makes it all better.
And I'm at a loss.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Welcome, and I commend you for seeking help. Keep in mind, however, that you simply can't make it all better for another, no matter who it is and no matter how badly you wish to. Especially if they aren't trying to make it better for themselves. (not saying she isn't trying, but making sure to note the imbalance and expectations that often occur in some relationships)

You can provide a supportive listening ear, a nurturing and safe place to come home to, and open arms to hold her when she needs/requests it, but in order to better understand how to better do those things alongside someone who lives with c-ptsd, you may find it incredibly helpful to enact the guidance of an experienced therapist if you have access and the means to acquire to one. Having that uninterrupted non-judgemental space to vent, discuss, and problem solve with someone not directly involved can be priceless.

Emotional support can be quite difficult to tap into when you're programmed to be a problem solver. Even harder when you've never experienced what the other person has lived through. My husband struggles in that regard, too. An unintentional mindless response can really sting. For example, one of my husband's automatic responses used to be, "Well, shame on you.", but not meant to be hurtful in any way, just a default saying he learned growing up.

As a childhood sexual and physical abuse survivor, a domestic abuse survivor many times over, having been homeless for a bit, and having had my life threatened multiple times along the way, that phrase stings me deeply and reminds me of the big ol' stinking pile of shame I've been digging my way out of my entire life, but it took several times of me reminding him how it comes across for him to stop it. It also took me quite a while to be well enough to even express those thoughts to him healthily, as I was used to just keeping my mouth shut so I didn't cause any ripples, or I'd go to the other extreme and be way over dramatic by creating a scene of some sort, even though I knew full well this relationship is NOT one of my abusive past, but an actual loving, respectful, and kind one.

A friend once suggested the book The Five Love Languages that was a real eye opener. We all have very similar needs, but they aren't always prioritized, or even defined the same way in the mind and heart of another. Add a lifetime of trauma to the mix and it gets even more fragile and frustrating. The ways we go about trying to meet those needs can make or break us, along with our most valued relationships. Figuring out our own languages can make it easier to translate that of another within our relationships, but there again, it can't all be one-sided. Much like the whole concept of learning to love yourself before you can truly love another. Not many of us were ever taught how to healthily do that, but once we're able to arrive in that space, many dots begin connecting, at least that's how I experienced it. From the inside out has become my most successful method of approaching the endless external struggles I encounter. Best wishes in your pursuits.

 

[Raj]

I'm husband and wish I had a write as support I've as you are, you sir sou d like a blessing. Keep reeding these forums and listening, you can't do any better than being a supportive spouse! Anyone truly caring masked a world of difference.

Raj

 

[Supervixn]

She doesn't want a counselor, because I'm her husband, her soulmate and best friend, and I should be the one who makes it all better.

I have CPTSD. I felt like this too about the person in my life, but it was flawed, fearful, and ignorant logic on my part. I didnt want therapy. But now that I have it, I cannot tell you how grateful I am to have it, and I cannot see me healing without it. My therapist brings more to my healing process than anyone else in my life could.

You can't be everything for her, as much as you both mutually want it that way. She needs help... having a therapist is crucial. I speak from experience now. It will cut a lot of wasted time by having a professional to help aide and guide the healing process. You're not trained in this way.

You know your wife better than most people I would suspect. You know how to encourage, comfort and support her. You love her and are her best friend. All of those... that's what your role is.

You cannot fix her or do what a therapist can do for her. By the very nature of the romantic relationship, you have blind spots and soft spots with your wife that will halt or hinder growth and healing for her. A therapist doesn't have the blurring of a romantic relationship with their clients, so they are able to speak to and treat clients in a more professional and treatment focused way without the weaknesses a spouse would have.

Please encourage her to find a therapist. Maybe going with her to meet one will help ease her mind. She is blessed to have your support and love... you care very much about her and it's beautiful to see that!

Good luck :)

 

[Laz]

Supervixn I couldn't have said it better. I know I'm not qualified and not a professional, and what she's going thru is way more than I'm capable of helping with.
I completely agree with you.

 

[Laz]

And Tornadic, I'm so sorry you've gone thru so much. I wish I could make it all go away for my wife, take her back to happy carefree times. But wishes are what they are. And I hope if you feel the shame and hopelessness associated with C-PTSD, you remember your words are helping me more than you know.

 

[Cannottakethis]

@Laz
You can't fix her. We don't get fixed, but we can heal. Suggestions for things to say when she is unloading all of her stuff on you...the things I need to hear are things like:
"I hate that these things happened to you"
"You have every right to feel the way you do"
"I know this is horrible for you, but I'm here for you, and we are going to go through this together"


ask her what might make her feel better. Look for therapists in the area that specialize in trauma. Tell her the best help you can give her is a professional that knows how to treat her.


Definitely get some counseling for yourself. You can't help someone else if you don't help yourself first.