Fighting attachment

[Ujo]

Going anonymous because I'm a bit paranoid on the internet lately... shruggs shoulders.

I noticed that all my life I attached to people a lot. Abusive or non abusive family members, friends, therapists, to the point of what I thought was love. All my intimate relationships were screwed up, either by too much attachment or overvaluing the person and then being abused all over again, or mistreated, abandonened in the meanwhile fighting for those things not to happen, as if I had a choice in the matter rather than leaving myself, which I never did. Most friendships likewise. Therapists, weird ones at best.

So I'm secluded now, isolated and with exactly 2 friends to talk to, my former neglectful mother with whom I patched things up with and my docs.

Last year I started having recurrent dreams that my t forced me to kill someone and then have sex with him. I became incrisingly fearful of him, to the point of not being able to talk about my traumas at all with him, taking the dreams as signs that he was a bad person. That eventually passed and I developed the opposite, I started making sure I would only talk to him about my problems, that no one else would understand anyway... Then it came back to me that I couldn't trust anyone, that he is full of shit and doens't know what he's doing, etc. Well, I developed a relationship with him based on my delusions and overvaluing and undervaluing.

So lately, instead of talking to him about it in fear of becoming even more attached because I know he will say the right things and make me feel secure, I started cutting off all my attachments. Feeling distant from my friends, my family, him and the rest of my docs.

I'm afraid of ruining all the progress I've made so far, of running the risk of being suicidal again and not letting them know and doing something stupid out of pity for myself.

I feel out of character, I'm usually strong despite everything and can face things. But this issue is really messing with my head.

I know it's not a serious issue like the usual around here, it's just something that's been going through my head and I can't shake off.

Thanks for reading

 

[Izuw]

I noticed that all my life I attached to people a lot. Abusive or non abusive family members, friends, therapists, to the point of what I thought was love.

I have done this all of my life too. For me, it was dangerous actually. So I can appreciate what you are saying and how difficult this can be.

What I realized was that my attachments were all based on black and white thinking. There was no middle ground for me somehow. I mean, I needed to feel completely safe in all of my relationships because I couldn't deal with any perceived threat from anybody that I knew.

I have gotten a long way with this. Mostly it was by working on my b/w stuff. I have realized that I put people under too much pressure by expecting them to be totally perfect. I am not certain if that resonates with you at all. By changing my point of view of people, having more compassion for them and not expecting so much from them my relationships have been paired down substantially but there is a better quality to them.

I have recognized the really strong points of my friends and stopped trying to make them be totally trustable. I did that by redefining what the word trustable meant to me. I mean, I trust that one of my friends does not intuit what I need, so I have to ask, which was really hard for me but it was my issue not heres. Another friend I know when he hooks up with a girlfriend will drop out of my universe. It used to break my heart to lose him like that but I realized I have no right to expect differently.

 

[Ujo]

I did that by redefining what the word trustable meant to me.

OP here.
This is very important, thank you for this.
It's good to feel I'm not alone and also difficult to to pathologize myself immediately after rereading what I wrote earlier.

I think I should discuss this with my t, like I wrote it here. It can be a turning point. He's human afterall, has flaws and qualities like everyone else. So do my friends and family.

Thank you