@Ruby Rose and
@Sunshineturtle This is my second actual EMDR session, a lot sessions before getting history, prep, etc. all part of the phases.
As to being suicidal, that's where it gets complicated, I have been termed as passively suicidal as my all time baseline. So its when my situational uncertainty hypervigilance I can from passive to active. The later often ending in PHP or Inpatient.
EMDR is the only path left for me, I have to do it no matter what, regardless of what it stirs up, and regardless of whether it gives me some S/I, I have come a long way when it comes to safety, I don't lie about my state of mind, and they all know that, so choices don't have to be taken from out of caution. And in this case, I am expected to ask for help if things get where I can't handle it safety wise. And I have a track record of doing that. My PDOC would have had me inpatient Wednesday if it were not for they trust me safety wise, and trust me to know when to ask for intervention, For know I am using the knowledge that active s/i could stop the process and it may not resume (then I would lose all hope) to balance against any passive S/I thoughts, and keep them passive.
I am fortunate that I have a good and I think special support network to catch me before I get so bad I might actually do something.
I have 3 therapists (who has that?, DBT, regular Therapist, Trauma therapist)
My trauma therapist is not some therapist who works in some therapy practice, mine is from an environment where they deal with the worse, and its free as well. Mine works for our local rape/abuse crisis center, they run the battered women's shelter, the hotline, do the hospital and court companions, etc. They also do past abuse therapy including EMDR. My trauma therapist is aware of my passive S/I, and both her and my regular therapist expect me to ask for a pause in the EMDR when I need it to keep from getting overwhelmed.
I have my med prescriber who asks safety questions when I see him, and I go to a trauma group where the facilitator works for mobile crisis, and I have her number if I need her. Her sister works for the local drop in center where I go so if I am in crisis she will pick up on it as well as other staff there. And I have a close friend who I relate with well as we seem to understand each other's trauma better than anyone.
Of course there is the hotlines I could use, and lastly there is the ER.
And my last inpatient, this support network caught me when I was active S/I, I was at the drop in center and it was noticed what state I was in. And thus I was checked on that evening, resulting in my close friend taking me to the ER.
So for now I am being allowed to remain free, expected to manage these thoughts, and ask for help when needed.
If I truly need inpatient or PHP I am sure I will get it. Besides around here statewide beds are hard to find, requiring out of state transfers to find a bed many times, so they don't admit simply because of S/I thoughts although they may referral to PHP, they do admissions if you have S/I with a plan, or have self harmed.
From where I stand if I end up in patient, it may ruin my chances of EMDR helping me deal with the one thing that makes my life miserable, and that were to happen I would lose the one thing (EMDR) that gives me some hope to continue instead of giving up on life permanently.
As to the forum, I can use all the support I can muster. I want to succeed with this, I want to not feel miserable about life, and be able to feel the world is not unsafe for me to exist in.
