Sufferer Ptsd from growing up in a cult

[becomingme]

Hi,
I've come here as I feel so alone with my PTSD. It seems as if no one understands and I just want to run and hide from every day life.
I grew up part of a very strict cult, which included mental and emotional abuse from my very controlling father for my whole childhood. I only managed to get the courage to leave it when I was 22 years old. Now I have 22 years of damage to try and undo.
I am married with two beautiful children (aged 2.5yrs and just over 1yr) and one more on the way (due in Jan 18) but every day is just a struggle at the moment. I see a therapist once a month that is trying to help me with techniques to re-train my way of thinking/triggers but my husband just doesn't understand and at times just seems unwilling to try to help me because of the 'last 7 years that I've put him through'... I met my husband after I left the cult so he has nothing to do with it at all. He now tells me he is just with me because of the kids, because he can't deal with my emotions.
I do unnecessarily blame him for things, as even just the slightest raised voice or criticism is a trigger of my panic/anxiety attacks. As this is how we were brought up to always get into trouble no matter how small of a mistake we made. So I try to explain to him, that it isn't him that is in the wrong but we need to work on re-training my thought pattern so the triggers don't happen...
It is just hard trying to attempt to live a normal life after being part of something that every day would tell you, if you weren't on the right side of God that you would end up in hell...every week at their 'church' sessions being told of the end of the world coming and all the horrors that are to happen...these things don't leave a child's mind. Especially coming from parents and so called head workers of the cult.
I still wake up dreading that I'm going to hell and that I'm doing the wrong thing. My parents even went as far as telling me that I am the work of the devil and have satan in me now and that I'll always be put second to the cult. All my three sisters are still in it so I'm seen as the disappointment and have just brought shame on the family name.
Wondering if anyone else out there in similar situation in regards to PTSD from cults/religion and looking forward to some support from people that will understand where I'm coming from.

 

[Stitchin]

Hi becomingme. Welcome to this site.
I grew up in a very strict religious home, my father was a pastor and missionary, my mother his trusty sidekick. I understand what you describe. My father also sexually abused us kids.
It's not easy at all, but there is hope I think. Some days it's hard to see.
I hope you find loads of info and support here as I do.

 

[Sideways]

Hey there and welcome:)

You'll find plenty of us here who have experienced 'brainwashing on Gods behalf'. People here will get you. People here will understand the struggles that go along with that type of abuse. You're not alone:)

 

[becomingme]

Thank you so much Stitchin and Ragdoll Circus. It's so hard when every day it seems my husband just doesn't understand the feelings. A lot of the time he says 'you just have to snap out of it and stop it'...if only it was that easy!! I would have done it years ago. Being pregnant doesn't help the situation :unsure:

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Hi! Welcome to the forum!

I grew up in a cult headed by my mother and step father. Left at 19.

I do unnecessarily blame him for things, as even just the slightest raised voice or criticism is a trigger of my panic/anxiety attacks. As this is how we were brought up to always get into trouble no matter how small of a mistake we made.

I understand this totally! Any amount of critisim speaks "you are bad" to me. "You are wrong" tends to feed into "you are bad" some how so I totally get that.

I see a therapist once a month that is trying to help me with techniques to re-train my way of thinking/triggers

It maybe possible that once a month isn't enough. My therapist stictly told me once a week and 8 yrs later is still saying 100% once a week. Is it possible to see your therapist weekly? I think its most imporant in that time where you are battling the cult beliefs.

It is just hard trying to attempt to live a normal life after being part of something that every day would tell you, if you weren't on the right side of God that you would end up in hell...every week at their 'church' sessions being told of the end of the world coming and all the horrors that are to happen...these things don't leave a child's mind. Especially coming from parents and so called head workers of the cult.

Yes it is! But you got this!

I understand fully! But also remember that though not all will know what its like to be a cult survivor, many will understand and resonante with pieces of your trauma and you can gain support that way. I have anyway.

:hug:s

 

[LeahRuth]

Hi becomingme
I went through the same thing with my ex (minus the pregnancy part). He just didn't get the suicidal compulsions implanted by the cult. Finally a very kind doctor had a serious chat to him and explained there was no way to sprinkle magic fairy dust over my head and make it all go away. You just have to get that support from somewhere else. I find people who don't share your experience don't get it and don't want to get it. They want to distance themselves from it like some kind of contagious disease. They think your unhappiness will make them unhappy, too. Your true people won't expect you to anything other than what you are. Keep the faith. God bless you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I find people who don't share your experience don't get it and don't want to get it. They want to distance themselves from it like some kind of contagious disease. They think your unhappiness will make them unhappy, too.

Indeed! I find that as well. I try to explain or share and they don't want to know. I've shared some things from my past with my dad & step mom and they actually stopped me mid sentence, looked like they were sucking on a lemon, and told me to not say anymore about it and now avoid mentioning my past like the plauge. People fear what they do not understand.

 

[LuckiLee]

It sounds like he needs an education in PTSD. Get him some books to read and maybe you could have your doctor speak to him about it too.

Good luck and congratulations on the new baby!

 

[Fadeaway]

You aren't alone. I was raised in extreme fundie beliefs. It didn't cause my PTSD but it didn't help. My husband doesn't get it either. It's hard for him because he has no basis for comparison. I can tell you that I used to have similar thoughts but I have overcome a lot of it.

 

[DisFellow]

I’m grateful to have found this site and especially your post because I was just thinking about how growing up in a strict doomsday cult certainly left me with PTSD and I’m always looking for tools to deal with the ups and downs. You’re not alone. I talked my entire family away from the cult when I was sixteen and just couldn’t take the psychological torture anymore. But even thirty years later it can echo through my life unwelcome. I see a therapist weekly and I agree with others who feel that going at least weekly if you can would be worth it. Also, if you haven’t already, seek a therapist specializing in your specific situation as much as is possible. I’ve also found it helpful to really research and explore belief systems from all over the world and history. I wasn’t seeking to join any other religion but learning about as many different religions and belief systems as I could find helped me see just how average the cult I grew up in was. They want you to believe that they have special knowledge but they don’t at all. They have just chosen to be extreme about issues and beliefs that the leaders and followers are in fear of or are at the center of their particular paranoia. I lived in fear with the “what ifs” for quite a while but time will definitely heal you. It has me. I used to wonder or fear “what if they were right?” and it would haunt me. But with time and therapy and education I learned how sick and distorted the minds are who gravitate to these cult teachings and I have so much peace from truly understanding that. Of course, I’m here this morning, so it’s still here with me, but I never give up on learning more. There is always another trick or tool that I haven’t tried and there are patterns engrained into me that only another cult survivor could understand.

I’ll take off for now but just know you’re not alone and that it does get much much better.

Peace everyone!