Flattery from t??

[Sagufam]

I have a male T. There have been a few times when I've been going to or from job interviews the same day as appointments where I was dressed up with makeup on and my hair fixed, instead of my usual tactical pants and t-shirt. He's told me on those occasions that I look nice, but I know he didn't mean anything by it other than I looked nice (I thought I did, too). It wasn't a come-on or flattery or manipulation or creepy.

I would say the best thing to do is talk to your T about the vibes you've been getting lately, and how horrible he made you feel with that comment. The best answer is to have an answer.

 

[Gulib]

How would that look to confront him?

I guess that depends on what you're comfortable with and what methods of communication are available.

My T is ok with emails and there are a lot of times when i email after a session because I don't always process the conversation until I'm on my way home. Then I come up with 'things I wish I'd said', so I email. Sometimes that's easier than talking.

But, you could just ask if he remembers what he said, ask how he meant that, and see what he says. I think it's important that he know how that remark struck you, and that you make it clear how important it is that you can trust his motives.

This seemed like one of those areas where it's hard to be sure how to take things. But it's also an area that's important to work on.

 

[Tepubo]

Among possibilities is it possible that you don't or haven't made a lot of eye contact with this man because of something?
Now that you have a few opinions over what I'm assuming is a single incident/ (trigger possibly as it apparently caught equally by surprise, since there seems to be much left to interpretation may I suggest rather than condemn on speculation what would be wrong with discussing the matter with the therapist.
That wouldn't be inappropriate at all and if he thinks so, he shouldn't be a anybody's therapist.

 

[Eses]

Hmmm, I didn't say that at all nor did I hear others say it... It was about this particular T did

 

[Bugicol]

Any therapist male or female saying they like my eyes would make me feel very uncomfortable....seems unprofessional to me.

 

[Vevov]

I think the issue is that he pointed out your eyes. It seems flirty. He could have been pointing out that he likes eye contact, though which isnt flirty. So you could bring it up maybe in order to clarify. I totally get why that is triggering. Also, it sounds like what a guy would say when hitting on a woman. You've got to go with your gut. Your t will say triggering things though so it is hard to figure out what is a legit red flag and whats in your own head.

 

[Howam]

How would that look to confront him? Can you give me an example of what someone might say to their T re this

Sure. You tell him this:

I'm feeling really weird and sad, that feeling that I somehow trust someone and don't realize they're looking at me for another reason..... sad but I am pretty sure the reason he said that and then looked at me to see my reaction was not for a good reason-- I think he's been starting to have thoughts of those type when he sees me, and he threw that out there and then looked at me how I would react, thinking if he could then slowly do something more over time

And this:

I realized before he even made the comment I was feeling uncomfortable now I realize it was stemming from the feeling that his eye contact I would describe more as "gazing" at me,.. how someone looks at you as your talking kind of in a way like they're not so much looking at you to simply make eye contact but gazing or admiring type of look, if hat makes sense

I know that is going to seem very, very hard to do. If it would be easier, write/type it out and give it to him to read in session. Or, print this thread and tell him you are the OP.

 

[Ewed]

If this has made your gut squirm, it's not a therapeutic relationship. Almost regardless of whether there's romance from his side or not.

In all honesty, given the very delicate nature of the issue, I'd move on. It turned my stomach just reading the quote!

If you feel like talking it over is the best way to go? Does he have a supervisor? "I felt like you were coming onto me" is going to be the fundamental message if you raise it with him. "This felt inappropriate can I get some assistance raising this issue with him safely" would be the fundamental message if you spoke to his supervisor. That seems not just safer for you, but also a way to protect the therapeutic relationship if you did want to keep the option of seeing him open, in case it was nothing.

It's pretty normal to go via the supervisor with issues like this. Because they are delicate to talk about, even without a history of abuse. He may be able to have a much more level conversation about appropriate boundaries with his supervisor, and it's also going to alert the supervisor to the issue if there is, in fact, an issue.

 

[Elob]

Excellent advice @Ewed. ^^^

 

[Eletow]

This sounds really reflexive to me because the obvious thing would be to have the discussion. People's behavior over time will teach you whether or not they are trustworthy. Unless perceptual biases have been addressed "gut checks" or intuition without confirmation by way of communication is maladaptive.

 

[Howam]

If this has made your gut squirm, it's not a therapeutic relationship.

I disagree. There are things that will come up in therapy that make us uncomfortable. They are results of our own attachment issues, stressors, triggers, etc.

That doesn't mean the gut shouldn't be listened to. But the OP is revealing some cognitive distortion in their thinking. Bringing stuff like this up in session, and being honest about it - "when you said this, I thought you meant this, did you?" - is a very useful test of the therapeutic alliance. And if your gut feels off after having that conversation, then I'd say escalating the issue to a supervisor or leaving the practice can both make sense.